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I can't imagine not my husband and I not calling our kids. I can understand why your brother's feelings are hurt when his father seems to care more about changing the oil in his car that talking to his son with medical problems. Even without medical problems, it would be hurtful for a parent to never call a child, even if he's 50. My parents were in their 50's and 60's and their parents still wanted contact with them and called to see how they were doing. My mother would have been beyond upset if her parents ignored her and she'd been working and on her own since she graduated from high school. Don't all kids, regardless of age, want their parents to show some interest in their lives?
I must be missing something.
The OP is not taking about "calling your kids" she is talking about the 50 year old son expecting his father to call him every day and to ask him if he needs help every day and to drive over to help him every day. The 50 year old son expects Dad to do things everyday such as empty his urine bag & get groceries & other things that the son can hire people to do or can arrange in other ways (such as having groceries delivered).
Of course, parents should show interest in their child's life but would you drive groceries or supplies to your adult child every day if they could easily have them delivered (just one example) but refuse to do it because it is a "parent's job" to forever take care of their child? It appears that the OP's brother is running his 80 year old father ragged with his incessant daily demands.
But, maybe you do call each of your adult children every day to see what help they need that day and what groceries they need and then drive those things to their houses each and every day (because that is always a parent's job even if they are 80 years old, a widower, and still working at a job). Then you would probably agree with the OP's brother.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-30-2017 at 09:38 PM..
I agree that your Dad is handling it very well! He's doing what he feels is reasonable for him to do and not feeling guilty about what he isn't doing. Boundaries in place, yet very helpful to your brother. I also agree that your brother may never get it that it isn't reasonable to expect his dad to do what he can do for himself.
I've given up on convincing him that other people also have ailments and physical and time limitations. It's the emotional component only I am attempting to figure out how to explain to him. I think my Dad is doing great too. I LOVE my Dad. He hates, hates, hates 'chatting', especially on Godforsaken PHONES, the worst invention ever to him. But he is the most fabulous listener. Obviously he has to be to be an attorney, but it's also a sign of CARING. He gives his FULL attention and takes care to understand every detail.
Oh! That gives me a thought. My brother took a course about 'Love Languages'. My Dad shows love by DOING. I'm going to look that up and talk to my brother and point out the way Dad loves.
The OP is not taking about "calling your kids" she is talking about the 50 year old son expecting his father to call him every day and to ask him if he needs help every day and to drive over to help him every day. The 50 year old son expects Dad to do things everyday such as empty his urine bag & get groceries & other things that the son can hire people to do or can arrange in other ways (such as having groceries delivered).
Of course, parents should show interest in their child's life but would you drive groceries or supplies to your adult child every day if they could easily have them delivered (just one example) but refuse to do it because it is a "parent's job" to forever take care of their child? It appears that the OP's brother is running his 80 year old father ragged with his incessant daily demands.
But, maybe you do call each of your adult children every day to see what help they need that day and what groceries they need and then drive those things to their houses each and every day (because that is always a parent's job even if they are 80 years old, a widower, and still working at a job). Then you would probably agree with the OP's brother.
I don't see anywhere in her post where she says every day. Like I said, I guess I"m missing something.
So he doesn't have Aspergers anymore and now is worried about emotions?
Why is it necessary to debate him on it. Let him talk.
I think you have too much time on your hands.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam
My Dad is very laid-back about it. I suspect he is keeping many, many thoughts about why to himself. When I asked if he knew what was wrong with the wheelchair and said why I was asking (he had a hard time getting out of the Van and into the house) my Dad said 'but he made it into the house'.
As far as my brother 'getting it' he seems more amenable to 'getting' things than I previously thought. After months of total absence, he remembered ALL my rules. I turn on the air. Please and thank you will be said. I do not respond to commands issued like I am a servant. Etc. It was rather remarkable, giving me hope.
To your comment about elderly people, no he doesn't get that and I guess never will. No matter how many times we tell him how ill one Aunt is it doesn't stop his resentment at her not doing more/coming to see him more and for longer. My mother was elderly and very ill and it didn't register with him.
It was the emotional aspect with my Dad he was focused on (and has in the past). He is simply amazed, truly, that my Dad doesn't have him on his mind more and show it. A man who has never been good at that. A man who has never, I don't think, uttered the phrase 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I mean, that one makes me fall out laughing. To expect that. My Dad has, for decades, been pulled everyday in so many directions for so many people. He doesn't need to go soliciting people for whether they need something. Everyone always wants and needs something from him!
To be clear, my Dad has his boundaries in place. I don't need to protect him or help him in this regard. It's my brother's hurt feelings I am trying to soothe. I don't think he has much time left at home. I'm feeling very sympathetic about it. Heartbroken, really.
I don't know what your brother's limitations are, but he has to understand your dad is ELDERLY and "should" have children checking in on HIM and helping HIM - and he will pass on, likely before your brother does, so then what? And in the meantime, if your dad needs care, is your brother going to do ANYTHING (even emotionally?).
Relationships should be reciprocal - not just one person taking all of the time.
For the severely disabled, whose parents help them till they die, I do not know HOW they do it!
People have got to become self-sufficient, even if they have to go to group homes or nursing homes - you can't expect an ELDERLY parent (who is still working, no less) to be enslaved to anyone. It's unreasonable and selfish.
This, exactly.
That being said, I can understand how a serious disability such as the one the OP's brother has developed, could be a game changer emotionally.
I wouldn't equate a welfare check on a child with caregiving.
It is common when one person assumes the caregiver role that everyone else in the family backs away. It is often the dynamic when one person takes control and ownership of something, starts to tell everyone else what to do, and the others retreat. It can be self-reinforcing as the caregiver may express resentment toward the others and the isolation grows.
They may also be reducing their time since he appears to have been uncooperative in the past.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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jen, in my experience, people who need a lot of help get kind of panicky. I've seen this happen in elderly people who are chronically in need of favors from family, and I've also seen it in people who are suddenly very temporarily in need of help - their car is in need of repair and they won't be able to get it fixed for a month or so.
Suddenly, that person perceives their needs are all-encompassing and it's hard for them to focus on the needs/desires of other people. They're like a drowning person, and they will grab on to anything and even not care about drowning their rescuers.
Your brother is like that, I think. He's focused on his own enormous needs and has a hard time being calm about it or recognizing the limitations of others.
I've been in situations before where I had immediate needs - only like for a day or two - and it IS hard to recognize and respect the rules of giving people space.
It sounds like your brother is in chronic "I'm drowning" mode and can't help being self-centered.
I don't see anywhere in her post where she says every day. Like I said, I guess I"m missing something.
The OP has said that the 50 year old son expects help from his 80 year old father every day in a different thread. And, now it appears that he is irritated that dad is not calling/helping even more.
And, some of that help is for things that the son is able to do himself, but refuses to do for himself, or can hire a paid caregiver to do, or can very easily make arrangements to have done for him (such as having groceries delivered) to take the burden off of his elderly father.
The son expected his mother to provide ongoing help to him until her death and now he appears to expect the same from his dad. The son appears to think that parents are expected to be "caregivers" to their children until they die. The OP asked if other people agreed.
I think what you may be missing is the outrageous frequency and amount of help that the son expected and continues to expect from his parents and others, even though some of those things he is able to do himself or can easily have done in other ways. It is not an occasional call to see how he is doing or to keep up with his life but daily hand-on care, running errands, etc. etc..
Of course, parents will want to help their child, of any age, who needs help in an emergency, but I bet that you would agree that at some point (at least by age 50) a child should be able to take on the role of a self-sufficient adult and not demand daily assistance from their now elderly parent.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Good for your dad not letting brother manipulate him like brother is manipulating you.
Your dad has it figured out. Take notes. When your dad is gone, you are already setting yourself up to be all that your dad is plus much, much more. You will no longer have a life. At least your dad is not letting brother take over his.
If you don't get it now, you never will.
Follow your dad's example
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