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Old 10-06-2017, 12:18 PM
 
Location: SW US
2,834 posts, read 3,156,803 times
Reputation: 5330

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Quote:
Originally Posted by barbienj View Post
My mother also saw deceased relatives in the room before she passed. She was tell us my dad or her sister were standing there and why couldn't we see them...
My Mom told me about a whole day spent running errands with her mother - a day actually spent in the hospital getting a lot of unpleasant testing to diagnose her cancer. I thought it was good for her to have "spent time" with her mother again. And I wonder if I will do this too, and be seen as severely demented because of it.
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Old 10-09-2017, 10:11 PM
 
7,274 posts, read 5,234,597 times
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I have a half a parent now. Wow. That's all I can say about the 3+ weeks. How can any of us really tell our stories without writing a novel about it? I'll try to be brief....

3+ weeks ago Mom. after battling lymphoma and other health issues for 8 months, end sup back in the hospital with a UTI. The 2nd day there, we were told her lymphoma was back. I was in the room when they told her. I knew a couple of days beforehand but really wanted the medical world to break the news to her with me as support. They did. And I saw it, crystal clear. Her fight left her. It was suggested she be moved to rehab as they believed the UTI was cured. A waste of 9 days in rehab. I knew it had run it's course, and with her consent chose to bring her home. She was scared. She knew something was still wrong. One day later, back to the ER. FInally get oncology to meet us in her room. Although I sort of understood the focus on the UTI, knowing her lymphoma was back I was questioning why release her?

Back at ER 11 days ago, I request a scan to fully understand the extent of the lymphoma coming back. After chemo and radiation, it returned. In her liver, bone marrow, done. She took her withdrawal to another level. She had not eaten for weeks since the time her fight left. Decision was made for at home hospice, her wish to pass in her home as pain free as possible. Her decline was incredibly fast. Her mind willed her to the end faster than her body did, thus she was not in great pain throughout the process. Amazing how the mind can work.

Saturday I gave warning to close family that if they wanted to see her, they better make it quick. That day my brother with his daughter showed up, then my nephew and his wife and 2 kids arrived, then my son and daughter in law and two grandsons came over. My son and nephew were the important ones. They were very close to my Mom. MY son was devastated seeing her this way, only 3 weeks prior having a planning conversation for when she came home from the hospital.

She passed around 7:45AM this morning. Never saw Dad cry like that before. I was on my way up when the caregiver (for my Dad with dementia) called and told me shortness of breath, then a few minutes later called asking me how far away I was. I knew what to ask - was she breathing. No.

I got there, and about 10 minutes later Dad woke up. He walked in looking at Mom appearing peaceful, and then I told him she passed. The rest of the day for him was a whirlwind of confusion, and not comprehending anything other then she was dead, and even then that was a broken feeling. Just odd dementia is. My son and nephew and niece and brother showed up after I told them. Hospice came over when it was just my Dad and me and caregiver and made the pronouncement. Then I called the funeral home. At that time I had no idea anyone other than my brother was coming. When the hearse arrived my nephew had showed up and son called saying he was 45 minutes away. I sent the hearse away for an hour so my son could see Grandma one more time (he needed it).

I have never felt more pain when they wheeled my mother through the hallway and out the door. The finality of that moment was simply devastating. The several hours of her in bed after passing had some peace to it. We sat around her at times just having conversations of the past. I held her hand a couple of times with words. Kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye. Cried some. When the hearse arrived again and took her body, that moment...ugh.

I made the decision with able bodies there to bag up all my mother's clothes and shoes for donation. I felt removing that only would clear the clutter and open up some space for my Dad mentally. There are 58 years of memories in the house, and I explained to my Dad I was removing the one group of articles that held no sentiment, Mom's clothes. I told him it would be harder on my own, and while everyone was here it would help me a great deal. So 27 bags later, that chore was done. We also moved my Dad back to his bedroom, which we took over when I moved Mom from rehab to the house. It's bigger and could handle the hospital bed and other items better, which it did. Dad was confused sleeping in Mom's room, but I knew it had to be done. So "back to normal" for Dad in that regard.

I can only wonder what the next days/weeks/months will be with Dad. At the funeral home today, after signing the papers for cremations services, Dad looks at me and asks if we were cremating Mom. At home, he asked me for a chronology of how Mom got to the point of dying. He had no recollection of lymphoma, or her ever being in the hospital or rehab. His memory is 2 steps behind him. Only some past memories come up at times, but nothing sticks. I fear in a day or two he'll be asking where Mom was, probably forgetting she passed.

What a day.
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Old 10-09-2017, 11:07 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,900,389 times
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I am very sorry for your loss. You are a good son. You did your best to follow your mom's wishes.
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Old 10-10-2017, 12:12 AM
 
Location: SW US
2,834 posts, read 3,156,803 times
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I'm very sorry to hear that your mother is gone. You were a good son to her.
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Old 10-10-2017, 12:46 AM
 
4,406 posts, read 3,415,484 times
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Aw, I am so sorry for your loss. Having been through it just a few months ago those feelings are still fresh for me. I wish you peace as you navigate through this process with your Dad. He would be proud of all you have done for your Mom.
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:07 AM
 
Location: Southern New England
1,541 posts, read 1,135,245 times
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Condolences on your loss, metalman.


Sounds like your mom was a real no nonsense kind of woman. She put her mind to the task at hand and accomplished it, in short order. May her soul rest in peace.


Before my dad died many years ago, he said that it was harder for those left behind. That sentiment always helped me. I share it with you, hoping it will help you and your family also.
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:47 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,637 posts, read 60,153,461 times
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I'm so sorry, metalman. Oh my gosh, it's so painful.

I think you did the right thing about the clothes. We have to do what works for us at times that are conducive to it. Besides the fact that you were able to get it done, I think there's something therapeutic about DOING SOMETHING at that time - like it's something proactive rather than reactive. Does that make sense?

When my dad died, and we had a lot of family around, and my mom was as helpless in ways as your dad is, before the funeral I went through his jewelry and his collection of hats and walking sticks (he collected- and used - hand carved walking sticks) and made sure everyone had a few personal mementos of him. Most of the kids/grandkids were very appreciative and brightened up considerably - it was bittersweet - but out of about 10 people, 2 were "offended" or put off because I acted "so quickly." Too bad. Everyone was there. If they didn't get these things then, then I'd be the one stuck with storing them, then carrying them around for probably years, or standing in line at the post office mailing these things.

Can't please everyone all the time. You're the one with most of the responsibility here, it sounds like. And it sounds like you're doing a great job. You are a smart cookie. It sounds like you're already doing this but I highly recommend just processing through the emotions (and the stuff) as they arise rather than trying to "hold it together" or "hold it all in." You know that grief has stages and phases - and all sorts of emotions fall well within the "normal" range, so when they come up, I just recommend accepting them and allowing them into your life. For me, that helped the grief cycle through in what seemed like a healthy time line. I know I have two brothers who both were very intent on holding things in - refusing to cry, not wanting to be any part of sorting through my dad's stuff, that type of thing - and both of them actually seemed to suffer through grief that was "put off" more than I suffered, actually - hope that makes sense.
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Old 10-10-2017, 08:24 AM
 
7,274 posts, read 5,234,597 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I'm so sorry, metalman. Oh my gosh, it's so painful.

I think you did the right thing about the clothes. We have to do what works for us at times that are conducive to it. Besides the fact that you were able to get it done, I think there's something therapeutic about DOING SOMETHING at that time - like it's something proactive rather than reactive. Does that make sense?

When my dad died, and we had a lot of family around, and my mom was as helpless in ways as your dad is, before the funeral I went through his jewelry and his collection of hats and walking sticks (he collected- and used - hand carved walking sticks) and made sure everyone had a few personal mementos of him. Most of the kids/grandkids were very appreciative and brightened up considerably - it was bittersweet - but out of about 10 people, 2 were "offended" or put off because I acted "so quickly." Too bad. Everyone was there. If they didn't get these things then, then I'd be the one stuck with storing them, then carrying them around for probably years, or standing in line at the post office mailing these things.

Can't please everyone all the time. You're the one with most of the responsibility here, it sounds like. And it sounds like you're doing a great job. You are a smart cookie. It sounds like you're already doing this but I highly recommend just processing through the emotions (and the stuff) as they arise rather than trying to "hold it together" or "hold it all in." You know that grief has stages and phases - and all sorts of emotions fall well within the "normal" range, so when they come up, I just recommend accepting them and allowing them into your life. For me, that helped the grief cycle through in what seemed like a healthy time line. I know I have two brothers who both were very intent on holding things in - refusing to cry, not wanting to be any part of sorting through my dad's stuff, that type of thing - and both of them actually seemed to suffer through grief that was "put off" more than I suffered, actually - hope that makes sense.
Thank you.

Yes removing the clothes was therapeutic, but my decision was based almost entirely on how I felt I needed to deal with Dad. I've learned a lot in 2+ years dealing with dementia, and my experience with my Dad sort of called the shot.

I honestly have been proactive ever since I had to step in when my Dad fell ill. It's just who I am. Nothing special, nothing forced, just an almost normal adjustment to life in my eyes. I have no emotions bottled up inside. I have no lock & key on myself, and am just flowing with life's situations and let the emotions do there thing. I've been called angel and rock recently, and although flattered don't particularly care for those labels. I understand the perception, but I consider those labels for people who honestly have to forcefully alter their lives where the change doesn't feel natural to them. This has all felt natural to me, and I just happen to be in a position to do what I am doing. Does that make any sense?

Yeah, I have the most family responsibility for my parents. To stereotype, I'm the white collar college educated son and my brother is the high school graduate blue collar one, which provides entirely different approaches to the situation. I totally accept everything without reservation. Certainly doesn't make it any easier saying that, but at least that isn't something digging into me.

I went to my office today to see how my Dad copes alone. I will have a nice 8+ mile run today in Falmouth, along the ocean, on a beautiful day. I actually ran 40 miles last week despite all of this turmoil. I am #1, and I firmly believe one cannot be helpful to others to their best if they don't take care of themselves. I do my best at that, and happen to enjoy running. Not sure how my 1st marathon in less than 3 weeks will go, but honestly now just going to make it a "fun run" in memory of Mom where my time is irrelevant. Still hope I get a sub-3:45, but don't care.
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:21 AM
 
16,579 posts, read 20,598,688 times
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I'm sorry for your loss, Metalman. You've done a great job with both parents and they're lucky to have you. I'm hope your dad's adjustment isn't too difficult. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 10-10-2017, 02:43 PM
 
Location: AZ, CT no longer
690 posts, read 692,561 times
Reputation: 2029
I'm so sorry.
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