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But what if, when everyone else takes a step back, you take a step back, too?
From reading the many stories here, it seems the only people with power are those who refuse to be imposed upon. Then another solution is found, as in steiconi's story, above.
I agree that boundaries are very important.
I also know from personal experience that sometimes when no one does anything, stuff goes to hell in a handbasket. Every situation is different.
And sometimes we just have to do the right thing because the right thing has to be done and no one else is even there to do it. I don't have nearly as much of an issue with that as I do with people who COULD do it but just assume that "the daughter" is "more suited" to doing it.
I actually haven't had that situation in my own life because both my brothers really do live out of state and I did have the time and freedom to do what they couldn't do. So be it (though I do know that one brother could have done more and could still do more). But it just chaffs my hide when I hear some man on this forum say in a "wise voice" - "I believe that women are more suited to caregiving than men." I've read those exact words (from men only) on this forum and every time, the hair on the back of my neck rears up!
Well, I'm a man (age 59) who moved back to my hometown 9 years ago to help my parents. I left a job I was happy in and was able to find a job here quickly in a bank (which I loved). After 2 years, the needs my parents had were becoming greater and greater and I decided to resign from the bank position and focus on helping them out full time.
Now, I live in their home and at first my dad had me take over doing his banking. It was becoming more difficult for him to keep his checking account current and pay bills, etc. He made me his Power of Attorney for financial matters. At that time, with my help he was able to gather together all his insurance information and I put it on the computer so it would be easy to access, as far as companies, policy numbers, etc. This would become helpful later.
My dad had Parkinson's as well as Lewy Body dementia, which became progressively worse over time. His father also had Parkinson's, which he died from at age 75. I am thankful that my dad knew his condition would not get better, and had the foresight to plan ahead, as it made things easier for me when we were in the process of getting him qualified for Medicaid, and then after he passed away.
He passed away on December 25, 2015, after being in a memory care unit since February 2015. Around the same time my mom fell and broke her hip, and following hip surgery was in rehab for 3 months. She is home having recovered from that. She gets around with a walker and doesn't feel strong enough to get out much, so basically she is homebound. She is willing, of course, to go to her scheduled Doctor's appointments and about a month ago needed a hair cut and so we were able to get that done for her. She was more active in the past and has given up going to church as it makes her "so tired". Being a fall risk, she does require 24 hour care. If I need to get groceries, I usually time it to where I go late at night, after she is in bed. And I'm only gone an hour or so, and that normally works. I just got back from a road trip to Kentucky during which time my sister stayed here with her. My sister helps when needed, she has a family including a 13 year old special needs daughter, so they are certainly busy. I'm single, with no kids, so I realize I'm in a better position than most men to be able to do this. And I'm not doubting that some women would be better at it. I just do the best I can.
How come they don't feel the same way (this is what I would like to explore).
Why are some people EXEMPT from others EXPECTING anything from them (usually men)? And why is there an EXPECTATION that the lives of women are dispensable and that they MUST provide care to others (and why are they complicit in this agreement)?
Because morally, although you question it, you don't expect it from anyone.
Because "women are better at those things than men".
You were a wonderful husband! An exception to the rule that says women are expected to do this and men are congratulated for doing something like this. I am sure your wife would have cared for you had the situation been reversed.
Boy do I hate hearing this about my caring for my parents, and I have many times recently. So I'm a male. I come from a family with me and my brother (no sisters). I should not be congratulated anymore than any female would. I may not live with my parents 24/7, but I am managing their lives now. I took over things when my Dad's (87) dementia became full-blown. Manage their finances, health care, everything. "Go to" person. And this past week I sadly had to set up at home hospice for my mother (84).
I feel I am just doing what a son should do, best that I can.
I did everything I could for my parents - I remember telling my mom once "I can't live your life for you." It was like she completely abdicated her life and expected me to not only do every practical thing necessary, but to entertain her, to boot. She had a kind of "queen" complex.
My mom tried to set me up for that, too; she offered to convert my garage into an inlaw unit where she would live. But I put up with her autocratic whims until I could move out of her house, I wasn't going to move her into mine.
My brother took the offer, but he wouldn't let her order him around. She complained that she didn't like the area, but I think the problem was that it hadn't worked out the way she planned.
Boy do I hate hearing this about my caring for my parents, and I have many times recently. So I'm a male. I come from a family with me and my brother (no sisters). I should not be congratulated anymore than any female would. I may not live with my parents 24/7, but I am managing their lives now. I took over things when my Dad's (87) dementia became full-blown. Manage their finances, health care, everything. "Go to" person. And this past week I sadly had to set up at home hospice for my mother (84).
I feel I am just doing what a son should do, best that I can.
Right on and you are doing a great job from what I can tell.
Wait - you're congratulated? LOL I'm not - in fact, some people on this forum insist that I'm not even a real caregiver because I don't live with my mom!
I guess I am just a "born caregiver" in my family. I do it out of love, not because no one else will do it, or even obligation. I don't feel that the family "expects" me to do that.
I know other people, including a good number men, who take on full time caregiving of their spouse, mother, etc. A couple are still working with arrangements to care for their loved one while they work.
I believe the one being cared for senses when someone really does not want to have to spend all their time taking care of another family member's needs, while having to put their own needs on the back burner. I understand that. We are all wired differently and it is hard to change.
At the present, there is no one in my family who needs personal caregiving. My paralyzed adult grandson lived with me until he passed away on July 2nd. I am still grieving, but have continued to take care of my family with no complaints.
I feel blessed that my daughter and two college enrolled grandsons knew they were welcome to live with me last week until their financial crisis improves. So in a way I continue to "care give", without the personal hands on contact. There move here has helped with my grieving process.
I am just thankful that at my age I am still healthy enough to continue to do what I feel was my gift of caring in this life.
Right on and you are doing a great job from what I can tell.
Wait - you're congratulated? LOL I'm not - in fact, some people on this forum insist that I'm not even a real caregiver because I don't live with my mom!
What? You don't live with your Mom? All daughters are supposed to do that, not us sons who get a hall pass
I managed the care of my father, of my own volition, but there might have been an expectation. My brother was never expected to do anything, nor did he ever do anything - just wasn't even a question.
I managed the care of my mother, of my own volition - a moral obligation.
I have provided caregiving to a relative with alcohol issues between rehab visits. I did it of my own volition a couple of times, and then was EXPECTED to do it (the person showed up on my doorstep).
I am a kind-hearted person AND I also think I am a sucker because I feel a huge moral obligation to provide assistance when needed to family members.
I seriously doubt that ANY of these family members would return the favor.
This post is to explore the dynamic of people who EXPECT you to drop everything and cater to them - from a cultural and also spiritual perspective - I feel like I MUST not let people down - that I "owe" them if they ask.
How come they don't feel the same way (this is what I would like to explore).
Why are some people EXEMPT from others EXPECTING anything from them (usually men)? And why is there an EXPECTATION that the lives of women are dispensable and that they MUST provide care to others (and why are they complicit in this agreement)?
I think because in their own mind, they have done more than their actions would indicate. My BIL is a great example, when my wife's father passed, she quit her job and we moved to another city into an apartment over her mother to care for her (she was 85 at the time). My BIL kept saying how he took care of his father all through his illness, when in fact my FIL was pretty independent up until about 3 months before his death. So it would seem in his mind, the son takes care of the father and the daughter takes care of the mother. My MIL is now 90 with full onset dementia and we don't have much of a life. In the meantime my BIL lives on the other side of town and hates "seeing her that way" so he only stops by once or twice a month. I'll do anything for my wife, and I have always gotten along great with my inlaws, so I don't regret the decision we've made. But I do resent my BIL and his family's attitude and neglect to help take care of his mother because she is now handicapped.
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