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Just remember, it's the disease; not the person.
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I also agree with another poster. You do not give money or even store cards to caregivers. The policy for that agency, if it is an agency, would probably not allow it anyway. I think I'm missing some details, but I don't know why your cousin would be going to the store with the caregiver. Your story is very similar to ours; my mother-in-law has these same kinds of outbursts and has delusional thoughts. You can't ask permission of your cousin. If you have been given POA, you just need to make the decisions. Everything with my mother-in-law is "NO". Most recently, my father-in-law brought home the paperwork for her to sign for a new CD; making it a joint account. She said "NO", and it is due to these delusional thoughts. My father-in-law is still under the illusion that he can ask her permission, thoughts and ideas. She is too far past that. In this case, my husband signed for his mother since he has power-of-attorney.
Do things that make your job easier, and less stressful for both of you. Perhaps set up grocery delivery, or pick-up, if that is possible. Yes, it will be a little more expensive, but sometimes you have to spend a little more for the sake of time and sanity. Don't worry about finding those checks. Just get bank checks or set up and online account. Have all of the bills sent to you. She will probably not know those bills are missing.
She will have outbursts because her personality will change, and it sounds like it has. So, it is really important to just remember that it is the disease and not the person. And, whatever you do, reach out. Caregivers can be under a lot of stress. You are not in this alone. Remember that!
I would either set up an additional account with a debit card & balance that you keep under $500 or buy prepaid cards.
This may prevent something untoward happening to the main account.
Also put a credit lock on her identity to keep anyone from applying for credit in her name without you being notified...this type thing can happen when people have access to mail or other personal papers.
The nicest appearing people have been caught "borrowing" vast sums from others' accounts. & the nicest people sometimes have lowlife relatives or boyfriends/girlfriends. If she has any valuables -- easily pocketed things. I would get them into a safety deposit box at the bank.
Look online. There are now many sources for groceries and I think even more will become available in the near future. Even Costco is in the 2day grocery delivery business for some basic food items.
Thank you again for the replies. Today her neighbor called me a few times to tell me that my cousin was over at his house sobbing and screaming because she ran out of milk. He had company and couldn't run to the store for her but told her he would go later. Then she ran to another neighbor and then back to him.
I called her on the phone and tried to explain that the neighbor would get milk for her. She hung up on me. I called later and got her talking and somewhat calmed down. Later, when I was out with friends, she called again, screaming that the neighbor says she can't drive anymore. (She has been told this, of course.) But she screamed at me for not telling her and hung up on me again.
She has used the grocery store delivery service for the last few years but all of a sudden doesn't seem to even know enough to use it. She could even just call them on the phone since she can't remember how to place an order on the computer. But she is just "gone."
How do I get her mail forwarded? I live hours away from her post office. It doesn't seem as though I could do it from my own P.O. down here because then anybody could have anyone's mail forwarded. Do I have to go all the way up to her house again and go to her local P.O.? I know she wouldn't allow it if she knew about it.
Oh--I called the social worker about today's problems and the social worker is calling protective services. Also, the social worker said to tell the neighbors to call 911 if she is at their homes again, screaming, yelling, sobbing.
Protective Services has been on the case for a while so they are somewhat familiar with what's going on.
As I see it, I need to get the checks so I can pay the bills. Get the mail forwarded to my address (but how to do that?)
Enjoyed folks suggesting home foods delivery! Great way to make sure the foods are getting to the relative. Plus it gives an idea of budget.
I am my uncle's poc for his daily needs. He lives one building over. His care tender often leaves notes so I can get him items. He can be cantankerous at times ..and I respect that. It's HIS home. I am his guests no matter what. I would encourage that she get out and about...fresh air and socializing is still key to mental nourishment. Staring at walls stalls growth.
Keep a sane mind and just ask yourself...is this what she wants and needs. You are going to sleep easier knowing you are a good advocate.
Enjoyed folks suggesting home foods delivery! Great way to make sure the foods are getting to the relative. Plus it gives an idea of budget.
I am my uncle's poc for his daily needs. He lives one building over. His care tender often leaves notes so I can get him items. He can be cantankerous at times ..and I respect that. It's HIS home. I am his guests no matter what. I would encourage that she get out and about...fresh air and socializing is still key to mental nourishment. Staring at walls stalls growth.
Keep a sane mind and just ask yourself...is this what she wants and needs. You are going to sleep easier knowing you are a good advocate.
She's had home delivery of food for years. She ordered online. Then she started driving to the grocery store but would get lost on the way home. (dementia--the store is about two miles away.) The state has revoked her driving license. She has also missed two cataract surgeries because she forget all about them. So she can barely see out of one eye.
I think she is finally beyond the point of being able to stay in her own home. A good neighbor used to come every day and help her with things but he is quite elderly and went blind. Anyway, she screamed at him and he now wants nothing to do with her.
She doesn't need food--I was there yesterday. The freezer and fridge are stashed with food. I even broght her more food. She does need milk and the neighbor is getting it for her. She has lost her check book, her purse, her keys--lots of things--and is accusing people of taking them.
She used to let her neighbor friend help her and that is why she's been able to remain in her home for all these years. Now that he is out of the picture and her dementia is so much worse, she can't function, not even with caregivers. She always fires them. She threw the social worker out when I was there two days ago. The social worker was wonderful with her but she threw her out of the house.
I have been told over the years that if she won't allow anyone to come into the house, she will be put into a nursing home.
This may be happening sooner rather than later, she has gotten so much worse and her elderly neighbor will not/cannot help her now. She doesn't eat. There is food but she doesn't eat. There are pills but she won't take them. She needs supervision but won't allow anyone in the house.
I think I need to know how to get her first class mail forwarded to my address so that I can pay her bills no matter if she's in her home or in a nursing home.
It sounds like it is time for her to be placed in a Memory care facility.
Honestly, it is almost impossible to manage someone's entire life.... which is what she needs.... from out of state. I am glad she has a social worker. It is time to talk with them about placement.
It's a bit pricey to order only one thing, but seems like ordering milk for her if it was forgotten on your store trip would be better than going door to door for it.
It sounds like it is time for her to be placed in a Memory care facility.
Honestly, it is almost impossible to manage someone's entire life.... which is what she needs.... from out of state. I am glad she has a social worker. It is time to talk with them about placement.
Thanks. I can do it at my local post office then, as long as I show them the original Power of Attorney papers, by the looks of it. Probably as long as I show them the paperwork, I will be allowed to do it.
I was wondering because if you didn't show them some paperwork, then anyone could just walk into a post office and get someone else's mail forwarded to them!
sfcambridge It sounds like it is time for her to be placed in a Memory care facility.
Honestly, it is almost impossible to manage someone's entire life.... which is what she needs.... from out of state. I am glad she has a social worker. It is time to talk with them about placement.
I think she belongs somewhere other than her home too. The social worker told me on the phone a few minutes ago that there is only enough money for someone to check on her once a week! Then, in May when her house is paid off, there will be enough money for someone also to check on her once or twice. I don't think the social worker knows how bad the situation is. My cousin can't function, doesn't eat, just buys food and hoards it, runs around the neighborhood screaming, and is accusing everyone from stealing from her.
They want ME to drive up there once a week! I can probably manage her bills but drive all the way up there once a week? And drive back in the same day because she won't let anyone in the house--maybe she would allow it one more time but she is becoming very angry and confrontational and I don't feel comfortable in her house. I don't want to stay overnight in that house.
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