Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am a little confused here. I do remember your previous posts, OP and it seemed your parents had already been diagnosed with dementia (or cognitive issues) before going to ALF. Is that right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cis_love
i am new to all this and feeling a little concerned as my parents are really angry that they cannot leave on their own. really, until this past april, they were living on their own in their house and driving around. but now they just feel so stifled and defeated and i feel bad about that. i understand bad things could happen if they go out on their own but i don't know if feeling imprisoned (but safe!) is a better way to live
Therefore, if they were "driving around" at that point, they should not have been, and this doctor's order is just "catching up" to something that should have been put in place months ago (the not driving.)
Now, given that, their dementia may have progressed to the point that going out on their own (even in a taxi) is not doable.
OR...
...are you saying that you know for a fact they are not mentally impaired enough to be prohibited from venturing out alone? If THAT is the case, then they should be mentally OK enough to be able to talk to the doctor themselves about this order and not rely on you to do it.
Either way the bottom line is 1) they are either too mentally impaired to go off by themselves or 2) they are mentally intact enough to plead their case to the doctor without you being involved in that.
I am a little confused here. I do remember your previous posts, OP and it seemed your parents had already been diagnosed with dementia (or cognitive issues) before going to ALF. Is that right?
Therefore, if they were "driving around" at that point, they should not have been, and this doctor's order is just "catching up" to something that should have been put in place months ago (the not driving.)
Now, given that, their dementia may have progressed to the point that going out on their own (even in a taxi) is not doable.
OR...
...are you saying that you know for a fact they are not mentally impaired enough to be prohibited from venturing out alone? If THAT is the case, then they should be mentally OK enough to be able to talk to the doctor themselves about this order and not rely on you to do it.
Either way the bottom line is 1) they are either too mentally impaired to go off by themselves or 2) they are mentally intact enough to plead their case to the doctor without you being involved in that.
Thanks for your input and for remembering my other post! i think you're right -- they probably should have stopped driving earlier than they did. they have not had any incidents while out and about on their own. maybe this is preventative on the doctor/ALF's part but so far nothing has happened when they were out on their own.
also, my parents do not speak english well (and i only speak english) and it's very difficult to find a doctor who speaks their language. plus they don't want to change doctors. so communication between my parents and myself is difficult, much less the communication between the doctor and my parents. just another twist in this and why it's not as easy as people suggest to send them to a psychologist or whatnot. it's hard to find one who speaks in their language.
also i agree with everyone that i need to understand that things will ultimately not get better but get worse. i think i felt hopeful b/c they actually did improve physically after entering the ALF and getting regular medications/meals, but other parts have deterirorated.
I'd inquire about getting some foreign language channels for their room. If they're hispanic. chinese, or korean, there are weekly free newspapers that can be picked up at the local international market, such as Lotte, HMart, or other chain. Their friends will probably have to do that. You might want to get them some periodicals through a site like Yesasia. I used to bring newspapers to the nursing home along with the meals. There is generally lack of unscripted diversions that the inmates can do on their own. I left magazines and books that were stolen or confiscated. Having the two of them together may actually prevent thefts. Along with the reading material, there are probably some popular snack foods that they'd want.
But If they do not speak fluent English then it becomes even more difficult if something happens if they were out alone. The last time I had planned to take my mother out to meet up with her friend the facility recommended against it as she would likely create a disturbance, even with me there. They thought she may start calling for help, calling for the police and then it all becomes an incident (our police are perhaps more casual than yours and in summer they patrol our mall near the beach unarmed in shorts. But they still have their procedures.)
I commented to the staff not long ago that I feel guilty that I no longer take her out. They were very reasssuring that it was right not to do so. That even getting her to the hairdressers room inside the facility can be difficult some days.
It is all downhill. Dementia is a dreadful disease and dreadful for the families and carers too.
Well, I think the doctors know best. What if something happens to them? They have dementia. If they complain you or people in the family should visit more and take them to wherever they need to be going.
well, the AFL sent a message that my parents were upset again yesterday about not being allowed out and threw a fit. The staff says if they keep this up they may be kicked out. I may need to start a whole new thread on that topic... sigh...
well, the AFL sent a message that my parents were upset again yesterday about not being allowed out and threw a fit. The staff says if they keep this up they may be kicked out. I may need to start a whole new thread on that topic... sigh...
I am sorry to hear that. The first thing that you need to find out from the facility is what they exactly mean by your parents "threw a fit". Did they pound on the outside door for a few minutes when they did not know the key code? (although, I suspect that in an ALF the door is not actually locked). Did they start loudly swearing at staff members who tried to block their exit? Did they once or repeatedly hit or kick staff members or other residents who tried to stop them? Did they go up to the doors multiple times, or throw a fit, multiple times during the day or was it just one time?
There is a huge difference between an elderly couple politely complaining once or twice to the office staff "Why can't we go for a walk?" and hitting the door (almost breaking the glass) or threatening or hitting staff members or your dad throwing his walker at another resident in a fit of anger. Make sure that you know exactly what happened. Frankly, I suspect that it was something pretty mild.
Once you get the official details call the doctor's office again and say that it is an emergency and you need to speech to the doctor or his/her nurse right away. Of course, unless you have an activated medical POA or have a HIPPA release from your parents the doctor's office can not talk to you. But, you can always share your concerns with the doctor (he or she can listen to you).
My husband had several major doctors and we usually heard back from them (or their staff) within two or three hours after I called. On a very rare occasion I might hear back at the end of the same day, but never longer than that. For you to have made several calls to their doctor and to not have heard back at all is a huge Red Flag (unless the doctor or his/her staff do not speak English, which is rather unlikely).
It sounds like your parents have a language barrier and that could be a big part of the problem.
Just wondering if you could find an interrupter to assist them at the ALF and/ or doctors? Maybe feeling isolated in their language is harder than living on their own where they didn't have to communicate with many people.
I'm glad others here are giving you advice. Be patient (and kind too) with yourself.
I can imagine few things worse than knowing I had to live in one place and never be able to go anywhere. I get cabin fever after one or two days. Facing 10 or 15 years of being trapped inside sounds like prison, a very nice prison, with much better food, but still locked in and can't leave, just like prison. I need to remember this and if I get a diagnosis of dementia I can take my life before they lock me up. I suppose by the time of diagnosis few people will still be able to kill themselves. I guess I couldn't ask my family and friends to help.
This is just all so sad and so depressing. I feel terrible for all the parents locked inside and all their daughters who are trying to help them. May God Bless you and give you the strength to deal with what you have to. It sure isn't easy.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
