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It's good that you recognize that you are scared and fear loneliness. So be sure that you don't jump too quickly into relationships just to quell these fears. There are plenty of people out there who will take advantage of anyone who appears needy. Glad you're making progress toward your new life!
People always dislike being frank, but the situation here is that your siblings have to step forward...one or more of them. Your parents raised them just like they raised you and you have done your part. It would be another story if your parents had some money...there would be more options.
But four siblings who have experience as caretakers? This should be relatively easy. For example, all 5 of you agree to chip in a certain amount monthly and one of them builds a MIL apartment onto their home (or buys another home...with one)....and the money you all chip in helps with that and living expenses.
But they aren't going to step forward and volunteer. No way...from what you have already said. Some eggs are going to have to be broken to make this omlette. In other words, chances are you won't all be friendly when this is done!
But it is you who needs to
1. Lay down the law with a time limit or timeline.
2. Know or find which of your siblings are responsible human beings
3. Bat around the various possibilities with them.
People live on a day-to-day basis and your siblings aren't going to wake up one day and decide to drive over and take mom and dad off your hands.
In my early 20s, I dated a man who financially supported his mother, even though she could work and earn a living on her own. He spent over half his paycheck to pay her rent in a very upscale, high-rise apartment. He told me he would always support her and she would come first. Twenty-five years later, I went to the same bar where I'd met him years ago, and he was there, still single. Never married or had kids. He had been an attractive man earning a very good income years ago, and he gave his whole life away to support his lazy mother. I don't know if he had any regrets or not, and I didn't ask. But it had to have crossed his mind once in a while.
The first thing to do is gather up their financial records and go see a social worker. They are available for free at welfare offices and organizations like Catholic Charities. You need to find out their options and what they qualify for. You need to make an appointment.
Once your parents and siblings find out you are actually taking action and not just talking about it, they may step up to the plate. Or your parents will guilt one of them into it! No matter what, this is how to get the ball rolling. There is probably an excellent chance they will end up with one of your sibs. Make sure they all know what is going on!
I agree you have done your duty and you do have a right to your own life. Best of luck!
This. You need to know what services are available for your parents. When you have all the ducks in a row, you then give family 30 days notice. You have signaled that you need to move on; so your giving notice will not be a big surprise. And, you can certainly notify them as you see social workers and attorneys about this. I think expecting them to move forward toward a nebulous goal is impractical.
If the family insists your father must move, he’ll move. The key is for all the sibs to be unified.
No one is going to make a move until they have to. Fortunately your parents are independent, so its no problem for them to get into senior housing. I know you dont want to do the footwork for that, but you need to. Contact senior services and tell them you need to find housing for your elderly parents. They dont need round the clock care (yet!), just a roof over their heads that they can afford (or with everyone chipping in, they can afford). None of this will happen until you make a deadline. Tell your landlord you are giving him 60 days notice, and the clock starts ticking. Siblings will know you are serious, parents will know. You are lucky that your parents are independent; now is the time for them to move. And now is the time for siblings to start footing the bill. I cant imagine any will want them to move in with them, but there should be some senior housing they will qualify for, and siblings can help pay for that. Then you move on with your life. Being a carpenter, I would think you could get a job anywhere. Your skills are valuable. Get the clock ticking.
After reading all this, the only option left for you is probably the nuclear one. Give notice and negotiate a date to vacate the property. Hopefully you can go for 60 days or so? Then tell your parents and sibs. Tell them they have to be out by X date and you will be moving/relocating alone. Your parents are free to do whatever they want. And your sibs are free to do as they please as well.
Then take care of your own business and let the chips fall where they fall. You may well pull out of the driveway and your parents will still be there. Worst case scenario, your employer will have to evict them but I guess your sibs will figure something out long before that happens.
If you give in now, the rest of your life will belong to them. You have already lost enough. They do not believe you will actually leave. They think you will stay and continue to be their doormat. Up to you to prove them wrong.
you live in 900sq ft, that isnt a room for raising kids if that is your idea of a future... and if you wanted a relationship with someone, you taking care of parents wouldnt matter. at 46, adults are old enough to understand taking care of parents. you want a date night? go find a date... want sex, then go have sex with someone, if teens can manage those things living at home with parents, a 46 year old adult is capable of it as well.
That’s a valid point. I met the husband when he was 47, at a bar, on a Saturday night when my planned date cancelled & I said “screw it; I’m going out anyway!” He had been caregiving for his 86 year old mother with Alzheimer’s, in his home, for about 2 years at that point. He needed a break, got some other family to kick in for the night & he was out & about (running amok on his motorcycle).
Let's speculate. Son moves out and rents an apartment. Remember that he hasn't had to pay rent in fourteen years so he's going to get a big new expense. Meanwhile his parents have no place to go so he tells them that they can stay with him until they get a place. The only difference between the last fourteen years and the next fourteen years will be rent—at least 150k for fourteen years. How many of you who are urging him to move out will help with his rent? Don't forget utilities: he almost certainly gets them free now.
No one else in the family has contributed before; it's fantasy to believe that they will now or ever.
I came home early from work to have a meeting with the property owners where I caretake. The meeting went well. One of my sisters came up here to talk to my mom about finding a place. After my meeting, I broached the subject with my parents, my mom really. My dad just sat there silent, protesting. So, I'm going to take the advice of the poster who told me to set my dad aside and deal with the situation.
My mom and I talked about finding a place again. While I was talking to her she actually started pulling mirrors down from the walls and taking all her nicknacks off the mantels, like she's packing. I asked her what she was doing, she said she's packing. My dad just sat there.
I don't know if I can do this. I really don't. I feel like absolute crap right now. I'm getting no support at all from my dad and I really need him to help me out here with this whole transition. He could at least maybe say something nice to my mom to make her feel better. He's such a harsh person.
I feel like I'm just blowing up people's lives, just so I can have more space to myself. And I'm struggling with it.
Let's speculate. Son moves out and rents an apartment. Remember that he hasn't had to pay rent in fourteen years so he's going to get a big new expense. Meanwhile his parents have no place to go so he tells them that they can stay with him until they get a place. .
He should just evict his parents and send them to a nursing home. Or since they said they'd rather live in their car than go to a nursing home, let them live in their car. At least they'll have a roof over their head.
There is no reason for him to jeopardize his own financial situation to get rid of the parents.
Once he tells the other siblings "they're out on the street now" that's when they'll step up and do something.
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