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I'm surprised the caretaker position allowed extra family to live in the provided housing. Is the property owner related to or friends with your parents? If this gig is totally your own gig, tell your parents the option to live with you ends on X date....60 days from now seems fair. Notify your siblings. Tell your father to start making arrangements to move them & their stuff. Do not waver.
Now, you start making your own future plans. Do you want take online classes to get ready for a job? Learn a new software? Do you have a nest egg to take you somewhere and do somethimg new? Or would where you are be fine, if your parents were not your roommates?
You deserve and can have your own life. You have given them a place to live for 14 years.
I'm surprised the caretaker position allowed extra family to live in the provided housing. Is the property owner related to or friends with your parents? If this gig is totally your own gig, tell your parents the option to live with you ends on X date....60 days from now seems fair. Notify your siblings. Tell your father to start making arrangements to move them & their stuff. Do not waver.
Now, you start making your own future plans. Do you want take online classes to get ready for a job? Learn a new software? Do you have a nest egg to take you somewhere and do somethimg new? Or would where you are be fine, if your parents were not your roommates?
eta: If they are both receiving ss, why can't they afford to rent their own apartment? Something cheap.
You deserve and can have your own life. You have given them a place to live for 14 years.
This makes sense. You need to take control of the situation, becasue no one else in the family will. If you manage to find new accommodation for parents, start saving your rent payment each month, you have a full time job, so save your rent money & live rent free, this a good way to build a nest egg. good luck.
I don't know. My parents are independent people. They do what they want when they want. My dad refuses to take responsibility for this situation and do anything about it, even though he claims he takes care of my mom. He is just waiting for me to up and leave and then he'll do something. That's how he works. He won't plan or make arrangements because it's against his ideals. He just takes things moment by moment. Convenient for him, not for anyone else in his life though.
I have to agree with those who say pack up and leave and leave them to their own devices.
Your sibs won't step up and your folks are complacent and won't agree to a reasonable alternative as long as you ENABLE them. Yes, ENABLE. Just like a parent who ENABLES a drug addict.
You're only way out of this is to pull the plug and get out.
When you do that, they will have no choice but to figure out how to survive on their own.
I have to agree with those who say pack up and leave and leave them to their own devices.
Your sibs won't step up and your folks are complacent and won't agree to a reasonable alternative as long as you ENABLE them. Yes, ENABLE. Just like a parent who ENABLES a drug addict.
You're only way out of this is to pull the plug and get out.
When you do that, they will have no choice but to figure out how to survive on their own.
Yeah, at this point it's looking like this is the way it's going to go down. I'm not incredibly attached to this property, the only reason I've stayed for so long is because it's housing for my parents. They're comfortable here. It's obviously unfortunate that my dad isn't a proactive person, sensitive to those around him, but it is what it is. I think I'll make a plan to vacate soon and go my own way. My contract with the property owners stipulates that I give them 60 days notice. I honestly feel like I've done enough and I'm no longer willing to put any sort of concerted effort towards finding my parent's adequate housing. My sibs can pull their own weight from here on out.
The whole thing is difficult for me because I know how this will affect my mom. That's really my main issue with leaving. I feel bad for rocking the boat and tearing the carpet out from under my parents.
The first thing to do is gather up their financial records and go see a social worker. They are available for free at welfare offices and organizations like Catholic Charities. You need to find out their options and what they qualify for. You need to make an appointment.
Once your parents and siblings find out you are actually taking action and not just talking about it, they may step up to the plate. Or your parents will guilt one of them into it! No matter what, this is how to get the ball rolling. There is probably an excellent chance they will end up with one of your sibs. Make sure they all know what is going on!
I agree you have done your duty and you do have a right to your own life. Best of luck!
This.
After you make the above appt and get some answers, call a family meeting during which you can all work out who will do what....and when...You are going to be the one schedule this , as you have the most to lose if something's not done.
I'd write a letter to sibs, reminding them of your service and how you need a life and freedom. Surely someone will offer help, they are just busy, but no matter. Keep pushing until you get your parents lined up elsewhere.
Sorry you are in this predicament....it is definitely time for you! We can feel your frustration....good luck!!
you had 46 years to build a future/life too... not sure you are going to magically find one now if you havent already
Apparently you didn't read the part where the OP's wife left because the father is insufferable. That's a pretty clear demonstration that no sane woman is ever going to put up with this.
After you make the above appt and get some answers, call a family meeting during which you can all work out who will do what....and when...You are going to be the one schedule this , as you have the most to lose if something's not done.
I'd write a letter to sibs, reminding them of your service and how you need a life and freedom. Surely someone will offer help, they are just busy, but no matter. Keep pushing until you get your parents lined up elsewhere.
Sorry you are in this predicament....it is definitely time for you! We can feel your frustration....good luck!!
Thanks for the reply. I'm not planning my parent's lives for them. I've done enough. I've told my entire family several times that this situation is coming to an end. They've chosen to do nothing. They know that good ole RJ will always be there.
My parents are independent and can plan their own lives for themselves. They constantly remind me that they're not to the point where they need assistance. They're in denial, just like everyone else in my family. They refuse to take action for themselves so I will take action for myself. They had their lives, their family, their kids, they made their choices, they lived their lives. Now it's my turn and I'm going to leave before I end up resenting them both.
14 years. OMG, 14 years. Yes, you are more than entitled to a life of your own and a chance to find love again.
We thought we were doing a good deed and offered to house a friend temporarily while he was getting back on his feet with a new job. The first clue that this wasn't going to work out was when he went shopping with his first paycheck and bought a bunch of expensive electronics, rather than sending money to his wife and children.
After four months of this he was very comfortable and showed no signs of leaving, so I invented a pretext and said he had to leave because my MIL was coming to visit. He was angry but I didn't back down. And he left.
I think you might have to invent a similar pretext for getting your parents out of the house. Say the owner will no longer allow non-employees there. You might even be able to get the owner to produce a letter for you that says that.
Call the family meeting, state that the parents have to be out by such-and-such time and what are the other siblings going to do about it?
I hesitate to recommend you just taking off, because then you're making your parents the problem of the person who owns the property. And that's not really fair for him/her to have to pursue eviction.
14 years. OMG, 14 years. Yes, you are more than entitled to a life of your own and a chance to find love again.
We thought we were doing a good deed and offered to house a friend temporarily while he was getting back on his feet with a new job. The first clue that this wasn't going to work out was when he went shopping with his first paycheck and bought a bunch of expensive electronics, rather than sending money to his wife and children.
After four months of this he was very comfortable and showed no signs of leaving, so I invented a pretext and said he had to leave because my MIL was coming to visit. He was angry but I didn't back down. And he left.
I think you might have to invent a similar pretext for getting your parents out of the house. Say the owner will no longer allow non-employees there. You might even be able to get the owner to produce a letter for you that says that.
Call the family meeting, state that the parents have to be out by such-and-such time and what are the other siblings going to do about it?
I hesitate to recommend you just taking off, because then you're making your parents the problem of the person who owns the property. And that's not really fair for him/her to have to pursue eviction.
The property owners are very fond of my parents, they would never evict them, although they would never have to. My parents would not stay here if I left. I also wouldn't lie to my parents as we don't have that kind of relationship. We are all very close. You think if I wasn't close with my parents I could tolerate them for this long? That's why this situation is so hard for me; because I love my parents very much. But I know this has to end, but no one else is going to do it except me.
Thanks. And I know that you're just stating the truth. The thing about just packing up and leaving is that I'm terminating a great opportunity to save money by living rent free while caretaking. My exwife and I were actually saving some money up to get our own place until she could no longer deal with the living situation, and my dad, who can be a real entitled jerk, to be honest. My mom is easy to live with, my dad is a huge pain in the you know what? He's very dominating and harsh.
Wait, what? A marriage broke up, because of this situation? I'd be mad, if I were you. Any chance of getting back together with your wife, if you leave? Or if you find someplace to move your parents? I'm so sorry to hear that, OP!
Your city should have subsidized senior housing. Rent is set according to their income. People living on SS may get their apartment virtually free, if they're low-income. It's not clear what kind of care your parents need, but you can contact the SS admin, to find out what's available to them. You can call and make an appointment to consult with a representative in person, to get the whole story, and map out a strategy (hopefully).
You're right; you've got a great setup, if you could get some part-time work on the side (or do you already work outside of the facility you caretake?), to save. You shouldn't give that up, ideally. So, just to clarify--did your wife leave, because she literally couldn't wait until you two built enough of a savings to move?
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I'd be mad, if I were you. Any chance of getting back together with your wife, if you leave? Or if you find someplace to move your parents? I'm so sorry to hear that, OP!
