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Thank you for this as it's very helpful AND tells me exactly what has been going wrong. I think I need a new geriatric care manager. Problem is I think there are only three, two work together and one really seemed off to me.
The one I have been talking to tried to call my mother today, I guess, but I feel like I am constantly trying to chase her down. I need to not be the person who has to do that all the time.
My mother likes the assisted living that doesn't take medicaid at all...of course. But she does have an appointment with one that does next week. She will have to spend down her assets first too.
She should NOT have to spend her assets down before moving in. It is much better to have funds first. If my mom had spent down first her facility would never have accepted her. She paid privately at $4400 a month for 18 months. Whatever funds your mom has is the carrot to get her accepted into a good place, please don't spend down before finding a facility. Find one, move her in, and when she is approximately 6 months or so from reaching $2000 in assets, then you apply for Medicaid.
She should NOT have to spend her assets down before moving in. It is much better to have funds first. If my mom had spent down first her facility would never have accepted her. She paid privately at $4400 a month for 18 months. Whatever funds your mom has is the carrot to get her accepted into a good place, please don't spend down before finding a facility. Find one, move her in, and when she is approximately 6 months or so from reaching $2000 in assets, then you apply for Medicaid.
I agree, that it usually is better to move into a facility first and then spend down your assets. In my area, most facilities (who may eventually accept Medicaid payments, not all ever accept Medicaid) require at least two years of private pay (a few require three years of private pay before accepting Medicaid).
And, of course, every financial transaction that your mother has made for the five years before applying for Medicaid will be scrutinized. So I hope that Mom has been/is very careful about how she "spends down" her money.
She should NOT have to spend her assets down before moving in. It is much better to have funds first. If my mom had spent down first her facility would never have accepted her. She paid privately at $4400 a month for 18 months. Whatever funds your mom has is the carrot to get her accepted into a good place, please don't spend down before finding a facility. Find one, move her in, and when she is approximately 6 months or so from reaching $2000 in assets, then you apply for Medicaid.
Oops, sorry, I typed it wrong. I meant spend down assets before applying for medicaid, like you said.
So there are two top possibilities right now. One that is less expensive private pay and doesn't take medicaid at all, so she would need to move (and hope there's a bed available); another that does take medicaid and had two spots open now but is more expensive to private pay than the other. My mother hasn't seen that last one yet but has an appointment next week.
She likes the one she went to today. We don't know how long she has prognosis-wise. I have a feeling she will choose to go there.
I agree, that it usually is better to move into a facility first and then spend down your assets. In my area, most facilities (who may eventually accept Medicaid payments, not all ever accept Medicaid) require at least two years of private pay (a few require three years of private pay before accepting Medicaid).
And, of course, every financial transaction that your mother has made for the five years before applying for Medicaid will be scrutinized. So I hope that Mom has been/is very careful about how she "spends down" her money.
She hasn't spent down a lot. But I hadn't heard of two years of private pay required; I heard more in terms of months. She doesn't even have two years to live, I'm sure.
Oops, sorry, I typed it wrong. I meant spend down assets before applying for medicaid, like you said.
So there are two top possibilities right now. One that is less expensive private pay and doesn't take medicaid at all, so she would need to move (and hope there's a bed available); another that does take medicaid and had two spots open now but is more expensive to private pay than the other. My mother hasn't seen that last one yet but has an appointment next week.
She likes the one she went to today. We don't know how long she has prognosis-wise. I have a feeling she will choose to go there.
I would not move into the one that doesn’t take Medicaid it all. She will end up in a Medicaid nursing home if no one will take her without at least some assets, which is likely to happen. I wouldn’t do this unless you feel there is a reasonable chance she will die before her money runs out.
I would not move into the one that doesn’t take Medicaid it all. She will end up in a Medicaid nursing home if no one will take her without at least some assets, which is likely to happen. I wouldn’t do this unless you feel there is a reasonable chance she will die before her money runs out.
Also, there is someone talking to Mom and giving her complete and full attention for a few hours. That can be pretty reinforcing for a lonely elderly/older lady without a lot of friends.
She actually has a lot of friends, but she also likes to go on tours.
She has now changed her mind about going into an assisted living, so, back to square one, and I need to go see someone about my increasing anxiety.
My recollection (or impression perhaps) from the OP's other threads is that her mother is narcissistic and has previously rejected the help of a geriatric care manager. Further the mother is mentally competent to make her own poor decisions.
If the mom is, in fact, narcissistic much of the typical advice that might be given in this situation isn't likely to work. The OP could try and try and ruin her own present and future and it would still never ever be enough for her mother. I have a relative with borderline personality disorder which shares some similarity with narcissism. One of the things that has been the most difficult for me to learn, but has helped me the most when I learned it, is realizing that I can't help this relative. Literally nothing that I do really helps. Now I am not saying this is the case for OP's mother. People with narcissism (or BPD) can vary. And maybe in her mom's extreme situation she is able to accept and use some help.
To the OP - My main suggestion is to simply leave as much of it to your mom as you can unless she is willing to actually accept help. I agree with others to make it clear that you can't quit your job and move in with your mother. I think that medical people often simply make that assumption.
One of the times when my mom was in the ER it was clear that they were about to discharge her even though she was immobile IF they thought that DH and I would be going home with her for the night. Well -- had they done so we would have done it although we couldn't have done that long term. But, realizing what they were trying to do I told them that we would not be able to go home with her that night. She would be by herself. Once I told them that they found another solution (i.e. admitting her for several days). Make it clear to people that you are not the solution to the problem.
You have little control in your mom's situation. You do not have medical POA. If it was me I think I would defer medical questions, etc. to your sister who does have medical POA.
Oh lord. Look, OP, my dad is also a narcissist. I would just wash your hands until your mother lets you take control or is no longer considered competent. If she is out of money by then, tough noogies. She can go into a medicaid facility. It's her bed she's making - she can lie in it.
My father had a moment of clarity and named me POA and healthcare proxy when he got so bad he was actually scaring himself. But until a narcissist gets to that point, you're not going to make any progress - until then you're just wrestling with a pig. In other words, you get dirty and the pig likes it. Your mom is loving that you're dancing to her tune and she's getting all this attention from these people.
It has been a year, and my dad has been in a nice, private pay memorycare facility. He could outlive his assets, but by then he'll be too far gone to notice. He's finally accepted that I am in charge and making the best possible decisions for him right now. It's kinda nice. I actually enjoy spending time with him at this point.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in, but DO NOT let anyone guilt you into anything. If they do that, they're really not anyone you need in your life.
My mother has gotten so much worse personality-wise and does not have dementia so she's completely lucid to just be mean constantly. People have for now stopped guilting me (except her) and now I do have full POA which I regretted within two hours of signing the paperwork. Apparently there's an issue of a car given to my sister with a missing title and who even knows who owns the car.
Anyway, in the last two days I've been called cruel and stupid - I'd like to leave and drive back to NC early, but will go to the doctor visits tomorrow so that I can definitively tell the palliative care social worker ( the good one, not the bad one) that I am simply done as far as making any arrangements. Today my mother told me to F off in the car when I was taking her somewhere and didn't follow her directions (which were wrong).
I started smoking again unfortunately after three years and am now having panic attacks.
I told the attorney I may very well resign as POA.
Am all out of affection for this person. There is none left.
My mother has gotten so much worse personality-wise and does not have dementia so she's completely lucid to just be mean constantly. People have for now stopped guilting me (except her) and now I do have full POA which I regretted within two hours of signing the paperwork. Apparently there's an issue of a car given to my sister with a missing title and who even knows who owns the car.
Anyway, in the last two days I've been called cruel and stupid - I'd like to leave and drive back to NC early, but will go to the doctor visits tomorrow so that I can definitively tell the palliative care social worker ( the good one, not the bad one) that I am simply done as far as making any arrangements. Today my mother told me to F off in the car when I was taking her somewhere and didn't follow her directions (which were wrong).
I started smoking again unfortunately after three years and am now having panic attacks.
I told the attorney I may very well resign as POA.
Am all out of affection for this person. There is none left.
Thank you for your update.
You need to do what is best for you. I personally know caregivers that passed away before the person that they were helping, due to the ongoing stress and exhaustion (and the caregivers neglecting their own health).
You may need to walk away to save yourself. And, that is OK.
Good luck in everything.
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