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No one else has the power to make you feel “worse” except you. If you feel worse maybe it’s because you know there is some truth to much of what has been said.
Stop blaming everyone else for your sadness and heartache and start channeling it into compassion for others who are taking care of your Dad.
I wish you peace.
Oh, okay.. I’m sorry for being sad that my beloved father is slowly deteriorating, and that I am helplessly watching the decline from outside. Sorry that I tried to express some honest and raw emotions after bottling them up for SIX YEARS (literally don’t even discuss this with friends), and that I’m upset to have been met with accusations and hurtful comments as a result. Thanks for reminding me that I am alone in this, though, and I’ll just continue to keep it inside like a good girl.
Sarcasm aside, I have shown compassion and support to them from day one... which is precisely why I came here to vent, because I know it’s not what she needs to hear right now. I’ll call her today or tomorrow, and keep it civil like I always do. But it would have been nice to get some words of encouragement first, since I can’t seem to find anyone else (besides my siblings) who gets how this feels.
Btw I remember your previous threads about trying to move out of state. So how could you even complain your OP that you were hoping he’d live near you? That makes no sense.
Gizmo, I am very sorry to hear about your dad. My dad also had dementia and it was so difficult FOR US ALL to see him lose his capabilities, his recognition of people he loved, and his personality.
When strained family dynamics are involved, it makes it even harder, and I can see why you were taken by surprise and are feeling hurt now. Hopefully it's something you and your siblings can find a way to move beyond so you can support your dad as much as possible.
Btw I remember your previous threads about trying to move out of state. So how could you even complain your OP that you were hoping he’d live near you? That makes no sense.
I was trying to relocate because I struggle to afford the COL here - and one of the places I considered moving was LA, to be near them. I also rejected a few places I did want to move, solely because they were too far from my father.
And I said it’s FINE if he stays there, in case you missed that. I only came here to say that I’m upset she didn’t tell me, or think to include us in the process. As long as he is safe and happy, I don’t care where he is geographically; but that wasn’t my point at all.
Gizmo, I am very sorry to hear about your dad. My dad also had dementia and it was so difficult FOR US ALL to see him lose his capabilities, his recognition of people he loved, and his personality.
When strained family dynamics are involved, it makes it even harder, and I can see why you were taken by surprise and are feeling hurt now. Hopefully it's something you and your siblings can find a way to move beyond so you can support your dad as much as possible.
Will be thinking of you!
Thank you... and I’m sorry if my comments are harsh, but at least a few people here understand the feelings this situation evokes. My father was a brilliant, dynamic, loving, funny, and amazing human being. Seeing him now, with the capacities of a child and not even recognizing his own family, is more heartbreaking than you can imagine. So yes, it’s extremely hurtful to be made into the “bad guy” here. I’ll look into joining a real support group soon, where hopefully I can find other people in this situation who won’t judge me for having feelings about it. Thanks again.
To clarify: She was in the Bay Area LONG before my family came along (we moved from the east coast when I was a child), and lived here with her children & ex-husband. I said she and my father have been married for 20 years, and that she’d been here for ~40 years; so how did you conclude that she lived here because of us??
And trust me, she was plotting that move even before he got sick... she’d been trying to get down there since her kids all trickled south (over the last decade-ish), but he had no interest in leaving the Bay. And yes, I realize she ultimately gets to make the decisions. I just wish she’d at least TOLD me! Wouldn’t you want to know that your father was being moved into a facility? I don’t care how good or bad your relationship is with a parent/step-parent; to not even inform the children of this major decision is odd and somewhat calculating. But as I said, you’d have to know her to understand how this is just the latest in a long history of pushing us away from him. Our father is still extremely important to us, no matter how far away we are, and he’d be horrified to know this is how she’s treating us now.
It doesn't matter where they were 20 or 40 years ago. What matters is where her family is now. He is essentially in the care of his current wife of 20-some years, and it would be quite peculiar to leave him in the Bay Area.
They were planning to move to LA, but told you in a way to placate you and spare your feelings.
It's more common for the couple to move where the wife's family is currently rooted.
Thank you... and I’m sorry if my comments are harsh, but at least a few people here understand the feelings this situation evokes. My father was a brilliant, dynamic, loving, funny, and amazing human being. Seeing him now, with the capacities of a child and not even recognizing his own family, is more heartbreaking than you can imagine. So yes, it’s extremely hurtful to be made into the “bad guy” here. I’ll look into joining a real support group soon, where hopefully I can find other people in this situation who won’t judge me for having feelings about it. Thanks again.
But you didn’t talk about any of that re the heartbreak of seeing him like that etc. The whole theme of your post was that SM was keeping you out of the loop — and oh by the way she had an affair when your dad was married and she’s spending marital assets.
I am truly sorry and actually have gone through losing a parent this way. But your post came off as being selfish and that is what people reacted to. Now you are backtracking and that’s fine but you have to know that people can’t read minds.
It doesn't matter where they were 20 or 40 years ago. What matters is where her family is now. He is essentially in the care of his current wife of 20-some years, and it would be quite peculiar to leave him in the Bay Area.
They were planning to move to LA, but told you in a way to placate you and spare your feelings.
No, he never wanted to move there - as I said, he’s always hated LA! Even after the move, I remember him saying to me (while visiting here and not realizing they’d moved already) “We’ve been spending a lot of time down south, but I’m so glad to be here again. THIS is home.” But that’s moot now, and the only reason we considered having him here was for the support. My sister has two children who were his WORLD before he started forgetting them, and even now he lights up around the grandchildren. So it would have been nice if he could have regular visits from them, plus we could have eased some of SM’s burden by taking on more of the outside care. It was just one idea, but again, we’d have been happy to discuss and consider all options with her. If she’d even given us the chance.
OP: Focus on the good. Your father is being well-cared for - if you would like to see him, make plans to go see him! It's really simple. Let go of resentment of his WIFE - who is taking care of him and managing his care. Let the past go. He made his decision to be with her and now she is making decisions. It's all good.
But you didn’t talk about any of that re the heartbreak of seeing him like that etc. The whole theme of your post was that SM was keeping you out of the loop — and oh by the way she had an affair when your dad was married and she’s spending marital assets.
I am truly sorry and actually have gone through losing a parent this way. But your post came off as being selfish and that is what people reacted to. Now you are backtracking and that’s fine but you have to know that people can’t read minds.
That was the theme of my thread, hence the subject heading... if I only wanted to talk about the heartbreak of having a parent with dementia, I would have started a more general thread. But I’ve been dealing with those emotions for 6 years already, and right now I needed to vent about the shock of finding out (second-hand no less) that he’s moving into a facility THIS WEEK. I’m still processing all of that, and thought it might be helpful to share how hard THAT ASPECT is hitting me right now. I could write a whole book on the rest, so this was supposed to be focusing on that one thing I’m dealing with right now. An ounce of compassion would have been nice, regardless of what I chose to discuss in that one original post. Isn’t that what this forum is supposed to be for?
P.S. In response to whoever asked why my sister didn’t tell me sooner, and why I’m not mad at her instead (too lazy to find that post right now) - she told me as soon as SHE found out! SM told her on Saturday morning, and my sister invited me to dinner that evening to talk about it. So there’s no reason to be angry at her.
Last edited by gizmo980; 08-20-2018 at 10:17 AM..
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