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Having a tough day and probably just needing to vent. We retired a year ago and moved to an active adult community that I dearly love and for the first time I can remember feel like I’ve found the place where I can truly be me and live the life I’ve dreamed of. This was to be our first summer to really enjoy the lake, new friends and all this place has to offer, however, my husband got sick in May and I’ve been his caregiver. As things began looking up for him, my mom, who moved here as well has been diagnosed with cancer. She has surgery scheduled for the end of the month. She is in assisted living but I’m her only caregiver. I also have a college age daughter who looks to me for a good bit of emotional support. I feel like I’m being literally pulled apart right now and would like nothing more than to retreat into a fetal position but I’ve got to stay strong and take care of everyone even though I feel like I’m crumbling inside. How do you deal with the day to day drudgery and loss of your own dreams and not feel resentful and guilty?
You HAVE to take care of yourself - if you don't, you will get sick. Statistically, caregivers do not fare well, medically.
If you can get some assistance, that would be great and worth every penny.
In the meantime, do as much for yourself as you possibly can. Nap, get your hair done, get mani-pedi's, massages, etc. Eat healthy food and drink a lot of filtered water. Rest whenever you can. Adrenal fatigue is a real possibility, so ask your med provider or research on taking B12 and D3 and magnesium, as well as other supplements that might be useful.
I would tell your daughter you are burnt out and need TLC for yourself for awhile and will therefore be resigning as her support system at this time. It will be good for both of you.
Do whatever you can to help yourself first right now. It is crucial.
First, give up any perfectionist expectations of yourself which you may have. Get someone in to help with cleaning and laundry. Give yourself a fair share of caregiving time and energy. Go out to lunch with one of your friends once a week at least.
The aids in assisted living should be doing most of the care for your mom, not you. She's paying for it, so let them do it and you go at a time when you can visit after baths etc are done. Don't go there every day if it is too much; this is a hard one, I know, but necessary for your health.
Don't expect that mom and husband will understand why you can't meet all their needs because they won't. Just stay nice and do what you can because they will forget about it quickly.
You HAVE to take care of yourself - if you don't, you will get sick. Statistically, caregivers do not fare well, medically.
If you can get some assistance, that would be great and worth every penny.
In the meantime, do as much for yourself as you possibly can. Nap, get your hair done, get mani-pedi's, massages, etc. Eat healthy food and drink a lot of filtered water. Rest whenever you can. Adrenal fatigue is a real possibility, so ask your med provider or research on taking B12 and D3 and magnesium, as well as other supplements that might be useful.
I would tell your daughter you are burnt out and need TLC for yourself for awhile and will therefore be resigning as her support system at this time. It will be good for both of you.
Do whatever you can to help yourself first right now. It is crucial.
Excellent points.
You are only one person, you can not support everyone and still keep your own health.
You need to tell your daughter that she needs to find other people to be her support system.
You need to allow your mother's assisted living facility to take over the caregiving responsibilities that you are now doing.
You need to hire additional help to work with your spouse. Look at it this way, if you end up in the hospital, or even worse, dead, because you did not take care of yourself all of those things would need to happen overnight.
How do I know that? Because it almost happened to me. I neglected my own health because of caring for my disabled husband. In addition, to being a full time caregiver, I was the primary emotional support to several family members. I neglected my own health, by missing my regular checkups and doctor's appointments as well as in other ways. I ended up with stage IV cancer (which may have been diagnosed much earlier if I hadn't missed my doctor's appointments for years), and was given very little chance of survival. Suddenly, I could not be a full time caregiver anymore and I could not be the primary emotional support for my relatives. I was the one that needed the caregiving and the emotional support.
Good ideas here. I'd only add this re: your daughter - I think a college age daughter that looks to her parent for emotional support is a good thing and shouldn't be discouraged. (if I've misunderstood the intent of those who posted about daughter, my bad...) Of course, she is old enough and may have some time in her schedule to help out and be included in the loop of caregiving a bit, but I think that -in general, as a society- we tend to pour too much of our energy into the older generation at the expense of the younger generation.
So keep putting out the effort towards what sounds like a lovely relationship with your daughter. Letting her help you also, if appropriate, will deepen and strengthen the relationship. She's giving you an opportunity to continue teaching and guiding her in her young adult years. That's golden.
One day at a time.....that's all you can do! I, too, am the sole relative of my 91 year old Uncle, with dementia. He's an hour away from me.
Hubby has kidney failure and is on the transplant list, and dialysis, which we do at home (home hemo)...it's very, very time consuming. We also own a business that needs my attention...
You do what you can do....when you can do it. The most urgent need gets priority. Expect the unexpected, because it will come at some time or other. Just do the best you can do, but do try to take time for YOU, too!
I drank three glasses of wine every night for about two years.
I wouldn't recommend that though - besides the other possible health issues, it's fattening.
Seriously, first of all acknowledge that your feelings are NATURAL and that you should not be feeling guilty about them.
You say things are looking up for your husband - does that mean he's out of the woods? Are you still loaded down with caregiver tasks for him, or can you break away often enough?
Your mom lives in assisted living - let them do the bulk of the work. I bet in addition to meds administration, housekeeping, meals, and activities, they also offer taxi or van service to and from doctor appointments. You can call and arrange that and they should just go knock on her door and tell her it's time to go. Her meds can be delivered directly to the facility. Her laundry can be done there - either she can do it or you can pay someone to do it if they don't offer it along with the other services.
After her surgery, she will go to rehab. You can visit once a day or whatever, but there's no need for you to hang around up there all day long, day in and day out. Then she will be released back to assisted living hopefully and they will transport her there, where she can resume her former life with all the services that assisted living offers.
I know you will need to do more for and with her considering the severity of her health issues, so don't burn yourself out right now.
Your daughter - she may be a blessing in disguise. Include her in discussions about your concerns, frustrations, etc. Let the nurturing become a two way street. This should help her to move from child to adult, and can bring you comfort too. Tap her for some fun girl things - mani pedis, shopping, maybe make a holiday wreath together, whatever, something like that.
TELL your husband and your mom and your daughter that you can't and won't be the main emotional support for all of them all the time, because you need THEIR support sometimes and you expect it, by golly. Then get up in their face the next time you need some emotional support.
Good luck - many of us have walked this path, myself included. Things finally started turning around for me when I made the conscious decision to reprioritize and refocus on the relationships that don't only demand that I give, give, give, but also give a good return on investment.
I packed up every single thing in my house that made me feel sad, and I replaced photos on our credenza, of our elderly (and mostly dead) parents with photos of my husband and me doing fun things together. I even changed my passwords to words and phrases and numbers that held hope and promise for the future!
And with that new mindset, it suddenly wasn't difficult to cut way back on the drinking, and to lose 30 pounds.
For four years, I was visiting my dad, 2 years in assisted living and 2 in a nursing home, 3 to 4 times a day (I got fussed at if I wasn't there at 6:30 for Wheel of Fortune), then my wife hurt her back and couldn't stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes, if that long. So in between visits to my dad and working 30 hours a week, I was doing all the housework, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. Really about the only time I had to myself is after I left my dad after "Wheel" and was on my way home to cook supper, was to take a ride through the country. Sometimes I'd take a half hour ride, not knowing which direction I was going till I turned the steering wheel. It didn't seem like much, but it really helped. I'm not much on using the A/C in the car, even in hot weather, so driving the back roads in the county with the breeze coming in the windows really seemed to help keep me going.
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