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I am so sorry for all the stress that this is causing you. I really hope that everything works out well for you and your brother.
You're right. I just wanted to vent about those things. I had a distraction last night that was good for me. I had to help a friend with her house flooding and when we had done what we could about that we sat around chatting about everything but the 'heavy' topics like this. Otherwise I would have wallowed. She kept apologizing I was like problems I can actually DO something about are a better use of my time and brain than those I can't!
I guess I just hire a lawn service and tell them to do whatever will meet the city guidelines. And pest control and the housekeeper. There is no way I am cleaning up what is in there. I will go help to contain the cost.
It's a tad annoying because I am on a low income and he has to spend down anyway so he should do this but there is no getting through to him. He hasn't agreed TO spend down at all.
I thought you've disengaged from this situation? It sounds like he doesn't really care if the city deals with his yard situation, let him deal with the repercussions if he won't handle it. If he leaves the nursing home, how exactly does he get home?
What he said to the neighbor, whether it's a joke or not, is demented. And goes to show he's still playing games. It's madness all right, but that's how he wants to play it-- just don't play along with it.
Everyone is used to his demented jokes except my sister. She is 'new'. She was adopted by my father and SM, not mine and my brother's Mom. Anyway, she I don't even think knows these are meant to be jokes to him. She simply correctly surmises there is nothing funny about saying things like that.
It doesn't matter. That guy is done. My brother doesn't understand that the methods that worked on my Mom have the opposite effect on other people.
When he cries wolf, my Mom would panic and it would reinforce the behavior. Other people are like 'I am not buying that this is an emergency'.
With Mom and then my Dad to a lesser extent but sill there, playing helpless about every tiny thing is a tactic to get the person;s full attention on him to stay. No matter how many times that back-fires it's his go-to tactic.
Just as an example. My Aunt and I are on the way over and he knew that. But he still called a friend to come get his remote that he lost under something. He never called the friend and said my sister got it. Because he wants the friend to think he still needs something so he will come over and then he has 3 people paying attention to him.
Same for us. He asks 5 people to go and buy the same thing. When the second and third items arrive he waves his hand and says I already have one. You can take that back. We're like that isn't the point. We stopped what we were doing to go get this!
We started calling one another to find out how many people were on the task, which would do it, and the rest would stand down.
Anyway, partially I am typing this to remind myself what the deal is because my sister is drawing me in a bit and I need to fortify myself.
But I need to go help my friend some more. I'm failing her by wasting anymore time than needed to caffinate (we stayed up until morning).
Oh, the neighbor isn't going to help anymore? Good. I can't even begin to imagine putting any neighbor, no matter how close, in that kind of "helping" situation.
I didn't realize half the house was yours. Very unfortunate he's put you in that situation, but that probably was his plan all along.
You sound like a good friend. I hope you feel better and de-stressed soon.
I missed something...what is the deal with the property where he lives? What is the problem with a cost and a fine being levied, and why would it be levied against the family?
Is he in your Dad's home?
If so, you should just do the lawn yourself - you and your sister. If your Dad is too old and your brother too disabled, you shouldn't be acting like the upkeep of Dad's home is your brothers problem all alone. It's not.
If the property doesn't belong to the family, then I don't see why the concern. Let your brother incur the fines and maybe that will help snap him out of his personal pity party for a little while. Know that he has a good reason to be throwing a personal pity party too.
I feel sorry for everyone, including your brother. It would be one thing if he was a derelict junkie alcoholic or something, but MS is not something he did to himself or that can be fixed.
My best advice is to take care of yourselves, because he and Dad will have no caregivers if you and your sister break down, and keep telling yourselves that God doesn't give us anything we cant handle. It may seem stupid, but its a daily affirmation that can help us find strength when we thought we had none left.
How much equity is in the home? Does your half amount to enough for you to get sick over? If not, give him the other half and be done with it. It will help pay his nursing home bill when Medicaid puts a lien on it.
Another thing to consider is if you are on govt help because of your low income, will the inheritance prevent you from continuing to receive that help?
Last thought, are you and your brother old enough to do a reverse mortgage on the house? If so, take your half now. When brother leaves home for nursing home, house goes to the lender.
I really haven't done anything but talk to my sister. She spent 3 hours on Sunday with him. Everytime he asked her to get something for him she said get it yourself. You came home, because you say you can take care of yourself. So do it. Over and over. Everything he needed or wanted she said do. it. yourself.
The neighbor friend was just staring at her like OMG. She wasn't playing. She told him to STOP enabling. Stop 'helping'.
I am Wow. I did that sort of thing a decade ago, when he was able but malingering for attention. He threw a chair at me.
She doesn't lack empathy but she doesn't see helping him in any way to be at home as a good thing, so to her this is caring, I guess. Pushing him in the direction that is right for him.
I haven't been able to do that. He would just call Dad and I was there in place of Dad. She had him on a Sunday. Dad doesn't come back into town on Sundays. Also he doesn't feel comfortable with her to throw chairs or scream to get out.
He did say I DO NOT LIKE YOU. And fired her as his home health care coordinator.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NSHL10
How much equity is in the home? Does your half amount to enough for you to get sick over? If not, give him the other half and be done with it. It will help pay his nursing home bill when Medicaid puts a lien on it.
Another thing to consider is if you are on govt help because of your low income, will the inheritance prevent you from continuing to receive that help?
Last thought, are you and your brother old enough to do a reverse mortgage on the house? If so, take your half now. When brother leaves home for nursing home, house goes to the lender.
I like NSHL's suggestions...... If they are not practical, you really need to find a way to wash your hands of the entire situation...... My brother is not disabled but is a user of the nth degree..... I have pretty much cut him out of my life after his having burned his last bridge with me.....
Your brother is a grown man, and apparently, ok cognitively, if delusional about some things..... It is time he faced the music for all of his poor decisions with no one running to his rescue each time he snaps his fingers.......
He wants to live at home?? Fine, let him figure out how to do it on his own.....
It's my mother's house left to the two of us. There is no reason to give my half to Medicaid. I am not on any sort of welfare, I shouldn't have used the term 'low income' because it has that connotation. I just mean I don't have lots of extra money hanging around making $200 here and $500 there a 'no biggy' type of thing.
He has been responsible solely for the upkeep of the house because he lives in it. Essentially he has a life estate.
He used to ask me for half of the taxes and other upkeep I was like ok, and you pay half of mine too. He likes to say OUR property when it costs money. Every year he sends me a receipt showing he paid taxes on OUR property.
At the start he wanted me to pay everything I was like what? He at the time had $1K more per month, more in savings I was like well you can move out and I'll pay half of everything until it's sold, and we split the proceeds, but if you want to live in the house and realize solely all of the benefits, all of the costs come with that too.
I have told family in the past many times he can have my half if it means he can stay in it. Like to remodel it to make it disabled friendly and they say NO, because there is no way to make it disabled friendly enough. He's always been headed to a nursing home, it's a miracle he's managed in the house this long.
Also, he wouldn't have spent it on that. He'd of mortgaged the house and gambled it away. My name being on it protected the house for and from him.
He was quite open about that many times. 'If I could just get the equity out, I could turn that into $5,000/month in the stock market'. No, it would be gone. He'd of been foreclosed on by now.
I like NSHL's suggestions...... If they are not practical, you really need to find a way to wash your hands of the entire situation...... My brother is not disabled but is a user of the nth degree..... I have pretty much cut him out of my life after his having burned his last bridge with me.....
Your brother is a grown man, and apparently, ok cognitively, if delusional about some things..... It is time he faced the music for all of his poor decisions with no one running to his rescue each time he snaps his fingers.......
He wants to live at home?? Fine, let him figure out how to do it on his own.....
I agree but we're in a transitional phase and it's going to be a rocky road. One day he says start clearing out the house, I am not going back. I didn't even go over there because I knew that wasn't true. I am not taking anything about that seriously until I am told he filled out the Medicaid application. Because until he does, he is still dreaming about ways to stay home.
He is holding onto whatever money he has left for the imaginary woman's plane fare and fiance visa and all that.
It pisses me off to start taking over the expenses for the house because God only knows how long this back and forth will go on, and doing that for him just helps him believe he can stay. Like 'Oh good, sisters are now handling the house, one less thing for me to worry over'
On the other hand I can't just let it go because he doesn't care if their is a lien against the house from the city for cleaning up his yard and the fine they levy. I do. It comes back on me eventually.
It is stupid when he has to spend down anyway, but he doesn't yet agree for any length of time he is at that point.
I guess I hit 'f it' and just do what needs to be done for the property and it will all wash out in the end or it won't.
The lien doesn't affect sister like it does me but she is similarly torn. She wants us to roach bomb, clean, mow, all that and then she doesn't because it's ENABLING.
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