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People need a break, whether they are the patient or the family. Personally, having someone there around the clock would drive me absolutely nuts. I don't want company 24/7 when I feel good, for heaven's sake, and forced interaction when I am under the weather makes me positively cranky. Come say hello, bring me a nice meal or snack and a good book, hold my hand for a while, and then please go away and let me recuperate in peace.
All this may stem from the days where people went to the hospital to die so family being there was almost a kind a "death watch". Now of course you can be seriously ill and have much better chances of recovery so the 24/7 thing isn't as needed. And a lot more women work and can't sit bedside for hours or days on end - not as much extended family around either.
All I could think of was, would I want to be lying in my hospital room, alone, with the thoughts of my cancer on my mind? And thinking of my SO out doing whatever?
I agree, VISITORS need to go home in a timely manner. But parents/kids or husband/wife are not visitors. My DH and I were a team - heck, we never spent a night apart until the first time he went into the hospital with a stroke.
I know he appreciated it, he used to say, "I feel bad that if you go through this, I won't be there for you."
My mom was hospitalized numerous times...more than once, when no private room was available, the family of her hospital room mate continually tried to engage her in conversations. Once a family member was intoxicated and kept coming over to her bedside. She was really frightened. Truthfully, anyone could walk into a patient room at any time.
That one incident of the drunk visitor caused her doctor to sit up with her all night! She was ever so grateful.
Our family was out of town from that hospital....or we could have stayed in the room for her comfort.
God bless your husband for recognizing you needed a break.
And God bless you for recognizing that your family needed one.
Thank you! I have a great husband and he is very understanding and supportive. My dad was a spoiled, charming only child and I really think he always had that "I'm the center of the universe" mindset at the bottom of his heart, even after he became a loving, very functional adult. When he got really sick, he reverted to that spoiled and catered to only child thing. The veneer was off.
And I was the EXPECTED ONE because I am the firstborn, and the only girl, and was raised to take care of things. So it was my "duty" to stay with him because he was scared and sick.
Sometimes it's hard to find that balance when family dynamics kick in on top of sickness and need and fear. But I am very grateful for two people actually - my husband, and my oldest daughter, who is (amazingly) even more bossy and "take charge" than I am! She flew down and it was crazy the way I just let her be the boss. But I did. As my dad failed and then died, I just took care of those details, but I let my husband and our daughter (who were on the same page, thank goodness) take over the emotional side of visits, who could come and who had to leave, when we had to leave, go eat, etc. It felt great to let go and let someone else guide me when it came to going home, going to bed, when and what to eat, etc.
I will say one thing though, about this hospital in the southern US. They do expect family to be around a lot during the day, and they expect family to help with the loved one's needs too. Do they demand it? No, but the staff clearly expects family to step up. This is a pretty new development and frankly, it's surprising. I don't want family to be hanging out constantly around me when I feel bad, in or out of the hospital. I want people to go home and LET ME REST. But I also don't want to have to wait 30 minutes for help to the bathroom if I need it either, and I don't know if the hospitals are chronically understaffed now or what but they sure do seem to rely a lot on family for basic bedside care.
While I agree that those who are hospitalized should not be expected to accommodate a rotation of visitors, I have no problem with concerned family members gathering in a waiting room if their presence does not become a burden to or interfere with the staff.
Part of the problem though is WHEN can you talk with the doctor? I think when there's a serious illness, it's important for family to be there when the doctor visits, and that's God only knows when. I mean, there is simply NO TELLING. During my dad's final illness, he was in and out of not just the hospital, but ICU several times over a year, and my mother was not capable or willing to be there to talk with the doctors, and my dad wanted another set of ears there, and frankly I don't blame him. I was his medical POA. He was in ICU. I wanted to talk with the doctors when they made their rounds, and NO ONE could seem to tell me what time the doctors would show up. I mean, some time between 7 am and 7 pm was basically it.
Once I talked with the doctors I would generally leave. If I was lucky, they came by in the morning, so I could leave around lunch time. (This was after he was stabilized, which usually took about a day.) But sometimes they wouldn't make their rounds till EVENING and I had been there, hoping to catch them, since 7 am. WHAT THE HECK. And if I left, sure enough, they'd come by. I remember telling my dad, "Look, I'm just going down to the cafeteria, so if the doctors come see you CALL ME." And sure enough, as soon as I sat down with my meal, there the doctors were and I had to bag everything up in a huge rush and rush up there to be graced by their presence and their wisdom.
Most people who are in the hospital are seriously ill, so talking with the doctor is super important in my opinion. You'd think they could give a time FRAME - but apparently not. So we wait.
All I could think of was, would I want to be lying in my hospital room, alone, with the thoughts of my cancer on my mind? And thinking of my SO out doing whatever?
I agree, VISITORS need to go home in a timely manner. But parents/kids or husband/wife are not visitors. My DH and I were a team - heck, we never spent a night apart until the first time he went into the hospital with a stroke.
I know he appreciated it, he used to say, "I feel bad that if you go through this, I won't be there for you."
Awwwww.
I get what you're saying. When my husband had a ruptured appendix, it was a medical emergency, and he nearly died. Believe me, I was staying by his side! But finally, after two days, he said, "Honey, I appreciate you so much. But I think I'm out of the woods. Go home. You get some sleep and I will too."
What I remember most about that night is that an EARTHQUAKE hit about 4 am, and I was so tired that I was sound asleep and didn't even feel it! But it woke my husband up at the hospital. He was sort of excited about it and I was thinking, "Dang it, I missed it!" (We don't generally get earthquakes here - this one was about a 4.5 so not destructive but definitely noticeable!)
Anyway, I personally want family there to talk with a doctor and to visit me each day if I am seriously, seriously ill but I don't want them spending the night unless I'm at death's door.
Part of the problem though is WHEN can you talk with the doctor? I think when there's a serious illness, it's important for family to be there when the doctor visits, and that's God only knows when. I mean, there is simply NO TELLING. During my dad's final illness, he was in and out of not just the hospital, but ICU several times over a year, and my mother was not capable or willing to be there to talk with the doctors, and my dad wanted another set of ears there, and frankly I don't blame him. I was his medical POA. He was in ICU. I wanted to talk with the doctors when they made their rounds, and NO ONE could seem to tell me what time the doctors would show up. I mean, some time between 7 am and 7 pm was basically it.
Once I talked with the doctors I would generally leave. If I was lucky, they came by in the morning, so I could leave around lunch time. (This was after he was stabilized, which usually took about a day.) But sometimes they wouldn't make their rounds till EVENING and I had been there, hoping to catch them, since 7 am. WHAT THE HECK. And if I left, sure enough, they'd come by. I remember telling my dad, "Look, I'm just going down to the cafeteria, so if the doctors come see you CALL ME." And sure enough, as soon as I sat down with my meal, there the doctors were and I had to bag everything up in a huge rush and rush up there to be graced by their presence and their wisdom.
Most people who are in the hospital are seriously ill, so talking with the doctor is super important in my opinion. You'd think they could give a time FRAME - but apparently not. So we wait.
This is the most frustrating part of the whole experience. Are there any docs reading this thread that can explain this? I mean, I know if you're a heart surgeon you can get called into an emergency operation at any time, but most of the docs I've tried to connect with in the hospital are hospitalists.
The hospital where I spent the most time had a limit of two visitors at a time. My various roommates would have 3, 5, or even more visitors at a time, all yakking away, making it hard for me to rest or even get to the bathroom. Nurses never did anything about this.
Visiting hours ended at eight p.m., but some people would stay all night, talking and watching TV. Gee, thanks.
This didn't seem to be limited to any particular race (equal-opportunity annoyances), and it's hard to determine culture from brief glimpses, so I can't answer that part of the question.
I eventually found out that if I asked, they'd give me a private room if one was available. Wow, what a relief!
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