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Long story short, my 75 year old mother was literally dead when my sister found her unresponsive in a pool of blood 2 years ago. Rushed to a hospital where it was discovered she had Stage IV cancer that started in her breast ( she dismissed it as some genetic issue and never seemed treatment) and had spread to her liver, lungs (lifelong smoker too) and bones. We also believe it might have spread to her brain.
2 years ago, we were all convinced that there were weeks to maybe 2 months and we made the decision to move my mother in with my sister. Here we are two years later and it's a terrible situation.
My mother suffers from major chronic depression and is in denial about her situation. She insists on continuing to drive, and thinks all the doctors are wrong. She won't share her health situation with us - No one knows what her status is. Estate wise is also a mess.
So we're at a point where we think she definitely shouldn't drive anymore. We also think for my sisters sanity, she needs to be moved out. The only problem is outside of my sister abandoning the house, or we physically moving her out, she will not go willingly.
We were hoping to find some suggestions from hopefully some here that might have dealt with an elderly stubborn parent?
Sometimes older relatives will follow the directions/advice giving by a doctor even if they dismiss the very same advice/directions said by a loved one. Perhaps try a new doctor, a dementia specialist and/or neurologist. Also, depending on her test results the doctors may "activate" her medical power of attorney (saying that she does not have the cognitive ability to make her own decisions) allowing who ever is named to make her medical decisions. You can also have her declared incompetent by the court system, but I am not familiar with how to do that.
Regarding the car. If her relatives truly believe that she should not be driving you have several options. You can forcefully remove her car/the keys, notify the police and/or department of motor vehicles, have her take a driver's test from a licensed driver instructor (usually a combination of machines and behind the wheel) and/or tests done at rehabilitation hospitals (via computer & various machines to test speed and strength).Sometimes the primary care physician will notify the department of motor vehicles and request a behind the wheel exam, if requested by the family.
You need to take steps to prevent danger to your mother and to others. We had a situation in my city a number of years ago. And elderly man should not have been driving. All of his family agreed that he should not be driving but no one had the courage (guts) to stand up to him and tell him to stop driving.
He had a head on car accident and killed an entire family (a mother, a father and their two young children). He was sentenced to prison (for several years) for four counts of vehicular homicide. While I do not recall the details there were also severe financial ramifications related to the accident.
What if your mother kills or injures one of her grandchildren, or a friend or neighbor, or herself, due to her poor driving?
What does her oncologist say about her life expectancy? Maybe Mom would be willing to move into a hospice facility. Everyone that I knew who had stage III or IV cancer continued to need follow up appointment for the next five years (if they lived that long) and these appointments were usually every three months. If the cancer has spread to her brain wouldn't the oncologist know that? Does you mother ever take a family member with her to appointments? Or did she give a "release of information" at the doctors office to any family member? Then they can request her records and talk with doctor.
Good luck in a very difficult situation.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-08-2018 at 04:44 PM..
We called our state’s Dept of transportation and had them send out a representative who explained very gently that my mother was no longer allowed to drive. She accepted it even tho we’d been trying to talk her into stopping for months.
Long story short, my 75 year old mother was literally dead when my sister found her unresponsive in a pool of blood 2 years ago. Rushed to a hospital where it was discovered she had Stage IV cancer that started in her breast ( she dismissed it as some genetic issue and never seemed treatment) and had spread to her liver, lungs (lifelong smoker too) and bones. We also believe it might have spread to her brain.
2 years ago, we were all convinced that there were weeks to maybe 2 months and we made the decision to move my mother in with my sister. Here we are two years later and it's a terrible situation.
My mother suffers from major chronic depression and is in denial about her situation. She insists on continuing to drive, and thinks all the doctors are wrong. She won't share her health situation with us - No one knows what her status is. Estate wise is also a mess.
So we're at a point where we think she definitely shouldn't drive anymore. We also think for my sisters sanity, she needs to be moved out. The only problem is outside of my sister abandoning the house, or we physically moving her out, she will not go willingly.
We were hoping to find some suggestions from hopefully some here that might have dealt with an elderly stubborn parent?
Thanks
Maybe she knows more abouthow she feels than youorthe doctors. Why not pretend there is NOTHING wrong with her and see how that goes.
Maybe she knows more abouthow she feels than youorthe doctors. Why not pretend there is NOTHING wrong with her and see how that goes.
I will have to politely disagree with you. For example, if the family strongly suspects that she should not be driving and they ignore that it can lead to very serious issues
I'll share my experience, my husband had dementia and a Traumatic Brain Injury and took a number of reflex tests and simulated driving tests with an OT at the outpatient neurological rehabilitation clinic. This was an extensive battery of tests taking multiple days and each day Hubby was very excited and told me that "he passed that days tests" and was very excited to be allowed to drive again (after his TBI).
On the final day the OT shared with us that he received an overall score of 20% accuracy (you needed at least 80% and preferably 85% on each test to pass). She said that in one of computer simulations he had hit multiple pedestrians, as well as other cars, a tree and a building. But, in his mind he was a "perfect driver" and had "passed that test with flying colors". Even after she shared the results with both of us he was still excited that would be able "to drive home that day".
So, you can't trust someone with dementia or possible brain damage due to Stage IV cancer to be thinking clearly and reasonably.
Luckily, for me (and all the other drivers and pedestrians) my husband trusted me when I told him that I thought that it would be best that I continued driving and he could not drive. Should I have just pretended that nothing was wrong with him and let him drive home?
OP I can completely relate to some of this though my mother did try to do her estate planning and did decide to give up driving. She did not want to know her prognosis for an extremely lethal variation of cancer and fought it until the end. I was going out of my mind trying to figure out the caregiving and deal with her rage. Honestly I was lucky in that as there was really no hope for her, she went pretty quick. When she did accept it, maybe only a week before she died and she was already in hospice, she was eager for it to be done.
One of the most helpful things in dealing with my mother's reactions was the palliative care specialist at the cancer center. Sounds like your mother is not being treated and isn't getting hospice care at all, but they can still help families and sounds like your sister needs a resource.
Our palliative care specialist had an uncanny ability to be very straightforward with my mother yet also very sensitive, and she was the ONLY person my mother would listen to. It is very hard to plan care when the patient is not having it. I was told it would probably take a crisis for my mother to accept the outside help and for the most part that was true. She did agree to go to a facility affiliated with hospice ONLY because she was unlikely to lose her house to a nursing home (the truth was we had to pay for that facility too, but I never told her the amount, and it was for the dying and she was not expected to live long, and didn't).
I was having a complete breakdown over my mother's reactions and her making me the bad guy when I was faced with getting things done and she was literally throwing things at me. Your sister may be facing the same. If you can get your mother to see a doctor who can refer her to hospice that'll start the process. But with hospice the expectation is that the patient will live six months or less. Your sister is in a terrible situation and it should be changed.
Long story short, my 75 year old mother was literally dead when my sister found her unresponsive in a pool of blood 2 years ago. Rushed to a hospital where it was discovered she had Stage IV cancer that started in her breast ( she dismissed it as some genetic issue and never seemed treatment) and had spread to her liver, lungs (lifelong smoker too) and bones. We also believe it might have spread to her brain.
2 years ago, we were all convinced that there were weeks to maybe 2 months and we made the decision to move my mother in with my sister. Here we are two years later and it's a terrible situation.
My mother suffers from major chronic depression and is in denial about her situation. She insists on continuing to drive, and thinks all the doctors are wrong. She won't share her health situation with us - No one knows what her status is. Estate wise is also a mess.
So we're at a point where we think she definitely shouldn't drive anymore. We also think for my sisters sanity, she needs to be moved out. The only problem is outside of my sister abandoning the house, or we physically moving her out, she will not go willingly.
We were hoping to find some suggestions from hopefully some here that might have dealt with an elderly stubborn parent?
Thanks
Your story is a little too short, I'm not sure if you skipped over who's treating her for her cancer. Is she seeing a doctor?
Sounds like she's not allowing you guys to know what's going on and that's not fair. That needs to change.
She needs an oncology appointment with you and your sister there to know what's going on. Did she have chemo or radiation 2 years ago? I don't understand how she's still alive because I know someone 85 who had a lumpectomy 2 years ago with no treatment, now it's in her lungs and bone and within weeks spread to her stomach area, I think kidney or liver.
I agree with pallative care and possibly having her admitted, especially if she isn't sharing what's going on. You can't help her if she won't allow either of you in.
As for driving, see if she can be retested via the state DMV. They should have an online form to turn in unsafe drivers.
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