How to begin with caregiving ( again)?? (power of attorney, disabled, Wisconsin, child)
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His cognition is failing. He is not following through because ha can’t. We had similar maddening problem with my mom taking her meds. She could not take ownership of the routine. No amount of talking about it made a dent.
On the transference of funds, I recommend scheduling a meeting with bank officer or other person. Talk about this beforehand. Remind him about the coming meeting, and then take him. If he can still communicate what he needs to have done, let him do it there, in the moment.
Your FIL uses trips to the grocer as a diversion. He probably sees the same people there every day, and they probably recognize and greet him. Giving up that daily interaction is a bitter pill for him to swallow. And if he visits the grocer only once a week, how will he be able to plan his meals? Does he retain that ability?
All of this is new territory for the family. The world of your FIL is shrinking and what is inconvenient to you, is very, very hard for him. And he probably is unrealistic about what his abilities actually are.
But in the end, the best you can do is the best you can do. I do agree about getting him off the road. But you and spouse might need to spend more time with him during the week than you would really like. Yes, this is really hard.
We hear a lot about the (very real) problem of elderly people not having enough money to pay for end-of-life care... but then there's the flip side, which I suspect happens more than we think... of elderly people who have plenty of money to pay for necessary care, but REFUSE to part with the money (even if it's for sensible solutions, like paying for in-home care)
My dad put us through hell because of his unwillingness to spend his funds before he died. Tried to do everything on the cheap, his whole life. Wouldn't realize, or internalize, the fact that he was burning through his human resources like crazy.
Hope things get better for you soon. In my dad's case, my sister and I had to take drastic measures and drag him 1500 miles back home so we could look after him, because the people he was staying with couldn't do it any more. And yes, it is hard for the dying elderly "independent" to let go of control. (My dad said "It's too soon" when they brought in a hospital bed for him... 6 days before he passed.)
We got a call from FILs neighbor , whom FIL had asked to drive him to Syracuse.
Seems his doctor notified DMV of FIL s dementia and need to be evaluated for continuing to drive....or not.
He has to take a test and be evaluated by an occupational therapist.
That takes the pressure off us notifying DMV and having FIL pissed at us.
But it will be a problem for us. Why? Because he likes to go somewhere when he wants go, not on a schedule.
When we gently tried to get him to give up the keys, he wasnt having it unless we'd drive him wherever whenever he wanted.
NO.
I told him he can go grocery shopping when i go, onve a week. ( he likes to go daily " to see what i might want to eat"). Um NO. Obce a week.
He can also go to the bank ONCE weekly. He had an account with higher interest rate that required minimum crebit card transactions per month, so he goes every day to make use of it. ( he fails to see the transactions fees outweigh the extra interest earned) that account nerds to go. I told him he can use it 4 or 5 times in one day to count towards his transactions requirements. But no, he thinks has to be on different days.
He also promised to do certain things to make tranafereance of assets easier when he passes, yet again has failed to do anything he says he'll do. It COULD be very important that he does these things. And he decided these on his own, but fails to follow through.
At least it relieves us having to take the blame for DMV action.
But now hell be a pain wanting to go somewhere.
He has yet to tell US. apparently either because my OH is not speaking to him now fir the moment, OR he thinks he can hide this from us, he has yet to tell us.the neighbor called as he asked tge neighbor for help regarding the matter, and neighbor doesnt want to bw involved if they do take away his license.
We'll see what happens next.
My brother also would not agree to the once a week thing. He can't make a list. He has to decide at the time. I learned all the things he buys and made sure those were obtained. That may help?
He mentioned the DMV thing but zaid he couldn't remember why he called us. ( he didn't, i just called at random to see what was up and if he'd tell us about DMV).
Part of the problem is we are still his kids, and he views us as that.
We are going over tonight to meet with him. I hope to talk some sense into him haha.
We will have to start recording everything he says he'll do, to play it back when he gets feisty. And we'll have to stick our noses in to be sure he does it.
As my OH says "lord, i love the man, but take him quickly and put him out if all our misery".
If he doesn't improve, he'll have to go to a home by years end. If only we can convince him of that.
Hes still a control freak, says "let them come tske my license ". We asked if he was ready to turn it inand get a non-driver ID. He Said he didnt need that. We tried to assure him he will.
His car inspection is due this month, hes forgotten I'm sure, so he'll get pulled over, and theyll find out his license is in jeopardy, and impound his car. He'll call for help.
We've decided if and when he asks for help, we're going to ask if he will listen to us, and do what we say. If not, we'll tell him he's on his own.
We dont know how else to get it through to him. Part of it 8s he still thinks we are children and dont know anything.
I tild him very clearly " you have a disease called dementia, thats what is wrong with your memory. You NEED to start listening to us and do things our way. If you dont or wont, we can't help you , so have it your way, apparently you dont need our help" and i stormed out after my OH.
Its called "tough love".
So for now hes on ignore.
Its only a matter of time before he needs help and will call on us.
I don't think there are any aces to play with someone who has dementia. Your writing like you're dealing with a person in control of his mind.
Oh. Hes in enough control to cause us misery.
As i said, hes always been 1) a control freak, and 2) verbally abusive 3) his ideas, his way, or no way.
MIL told me once out of his earshot that had she known he was this way, and life would have been miserable with him, that "this marriage might not have happened ". She was also disappointed thst they didn't retire back to her country in Europe like FIL promised if shed agree to cone to USA so my OH could have an American education. My OH had a chance to go to culinary school over there, a European uncle would have paid for it, but FIL said no, youll get an American education, hence my OH dropped out of school here after a while.
Of course my OH was an adult then, if my OH REALLY wanted to, would have made arrangements to go to Europe for school. But FIL s influence and control freak attitude won out.
He knows what hes doing enough to be a miserable old coot and do things HIS way or no way.
I hope the DMV thing has knocked him down enough that hell realize the world doesn't operate according to HIM. that he cant control everything.
But ...hes going to be stubborn. He says when they come take his license, he'll stop driving then. As i mentioned he'll forget his cars inspection, get pulled over and have his revoked license pulled, his car impounded and be arrested for driving without a license.
Thats when he'll call us.
Whether we respond, will remain to be seen.
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