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My wife realizes her siblings have unfairly decided to place mom's care solely under hers and my custody. She's repeatedly mentioned how unfair this is to me. Why? Because I am facing similar challenges with my own mother. The way I see it, I am here to do the best I can for my wife and give her all the support I can. I signed up for this the day I asked her to be my wife for life.
Still not answering the question. What does she WANT? What exactly are you prepared to do?
My wife realizes her siblings have unfairly decided to place mom's care solely under hers and my custody. She's repeatedly mentioned how unfair this is to me. Why? Because I am facing similar challenges with my own mother. The way I see it, I am here to do the best I can for my wife and give her all the support I can. I signed up for this the day I asked her to be my wife for life.
And what are your ACTIONS, not just your attitude or words of support?
Still not answering the question. What does she WANT? What exactly are you prepared to do?
Like that one Bible verse says, my wife would prefer for this cup to pass her. However, given her 4 siblings' decision to place mom under our care she realizes there is no other choice.
I agree that it can be disgusting to watch other siblings so easily disregard their parents.
Here's my suggestion and I really, really, really hope you and your wife take it to heart because I mean it from the heart:
Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons from guilt to actual and often overwhelming needs, our elderly parents' needs can often overwhelm our lives, and push our most healthy, most nurturing, and frankly most important relationships (and goals) to the side. This is the sad truth. It is so incredibly easy to slip into reactive mode, where your entire life hinges on basically waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next need, the next crisis - and all of it is heartbreaking. Depressing in many cases, and very tiring, complex, and fraught with pitfalls. And the hardest thing is that in spite of our best efforts, our loved ones fail...and get worse...and decline...and die. And the havoc that is often let loose throughout extended family during this time...wow, the long reaching complications can really really upset the apple cart further.
So my advice is this - PUT YOUR WIFE AND YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST. Don't give it what's left over, and don't let your wife slip into that frazzled state either. This is easier said than done, frankly, because the needs can just be so overwhelming and constant. And those needs increase, they don't decrease. Listen, this does not get better, it only gets worse, till the parent dies. That's the sad truth. The good days become less common, and the bad days become more common.
So put your relationship with your wife first. And demand that she puts her relationship with you first - before that of hers with her mother, her siblings, you name it. You and your wife. Numero Uno.
Please keep us posted.
Wish I could rep you again. Thank you for your kind and sincere words.
My wife has a good grasp of the realities you mentioned; that being: mom's condition is going to worsen as time passes. She has informed her siblings that, at some point, there will be no choice but to place mom in an ALF or hospice. Her siblings were mute when she mentioned the inevitable to them. I interpret their silence as a collective, "I don't want to think about that right now."
Frankly, I am stunned at their collective response regarding mom's overall care. They are all very nice, respectable, hospitable people who've welcomed me into their family with open arms. I never foresaw this type of response them.
Op; I know you are trying to do your best with a bad situation. There is no way for you to make everybody happy & you didn't ask to be nominated for the "make everybody happy" role, anyway.
As an RN who had to first incorporate & then fully transition to family caregiving; I just want to caution you that if your wife is already distraught; she is very close to experiencing the catastrophe of nurses burnout.
A lot of us do not recognize unreasonable expectations until after we have already accepted them. Many schools of nursing actually require that candidates submit to personality profiling testing prior to accepting students. They look for people with this trait. It's in our nature to "man-up" & shut up before we can think & object. By the time we finally realize that it's more than one person can safely handle; nobody "gets us" because after all; we've been doing it so well.
I guess we make it look easy. But it's not easy & it's not reasonable, nor is it safe. It is reasonable to understand that this has the potential to derail her career & your future. Proceed with caution.
Most dementia patients do not need a nurse. They just need to not be alone. They need to be supervised. There is no medical reason why any reasonable adult can't do this. Those siblings who expect your wife to give up her job and care for mom need to do their share. If they can't help, they need to contribute financially so your wife can continue to pay into Social Security, save for retirement, and have a salary. And they need to provide respite care so the 2 of you can escape a couple times a year...at least! There should be no free ride for any of them!
What in the hell are you talking about? When was money ever mentioned? Again, another someone with an uninformed opinion.
This is your revision to your original story. Two will provide funds and you will pocket the money.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chacho_keva
As for now, two of the overseas three are willing to send cash in support of mom's care. Basically, they're buying their way out of the responsibility of caring for mom; something they most definitely can afford. Their cash will be used to hire a caretaker when our work schedules/shifts make it impossible to care for mom.
For those of you'se questioning the ole backbone, be my guest! There once was a time for being blindly hotheaded, demanding, and ballsy. The time is now for being methodical and calculating. One should astutely respond according to the "Devil He Knows."
Perhaps you should've hired help and just sent the rest of the family a copy of the bill with their share, divided five ways, whenever additional staffing was required.
Op; I know you are trying to do your best with a bad situation. There is no way for you to make everybody happy & you didn't ask to be nominated for the "make everybody happy" role, anyway.
As an RN who had to first incorporate & then fully transition to family caregiving; I just want to caution you that if your wife is already distraught; she is very close to experiencing the catastrophe of nurses burnout.
A lot of us do not recognize unreasonable expectations until after we have already accepted them. Many schools of nursing actually require that candidates submit to personality profiling testing prior to accepting students. They look for people with this trait. It's in our nature to "man-up" & shut up before we can think & object. By the time we finally realize that it's more than one person can safely handle; nobody "gets us" because after all; we've been doing it so well.
I guess we make it look easy. But it's not easy & it's not reasonable, nor is it safe. It is reasonable to understand that this has the potential to derail her career & your future. Proceed with caution.
Thank you for your words. Yes, exactly. My wife has made mention of doing all she can until she can do no more when we inherit full care of mom.
As you correctly stated, that "Nurse's Nature" places her in a frame of mind wherein she will push herself to the point of exhaustion. I've seen it. That is exactly who/how she is. On more than one occasion, I've had to reason with and convince her that she needs more than 3 hours of sleep after working a 12 hour nightshift; that putting in that many hours in one day will eventually catch up with her; that maybe it's time she considered working dayshift, etc. With my wife, discussing the obvious in the context of a suggestion gets through to her quicker than dishing out an order.
I know my wife. And now that we know that mom's care will be mostly ours, she will give it her all until she drops. As in other occasions, I will be next to her, ready to catch her, when she falls.
Most dementia patients do not need a nurse. They just need to not be alone. They need to be supervised. There is no medical reason why any reasonable adult can't do this. Those siblings who expect your wife to give up her job and care for mom need to do their share. If they can't help, they need to contribute financially so your wife can continue to pay into Social Security, save for retirement, and have a salary. And they need to provide respite care so the 2 of you can escape a couple times a year...at least! There should be no free ride for any of them!
I think what concerns those of us who have been involved with the care of a dementia patient until it causes their death is the burden of advanced dementia. When the person becomes incontinent, forgets how to talk, walk and eventually how to eat. They may also become violent. There is a stage at which they have to have highly skilled nursing.
I would never want my children to take on the role of a nurse for me. The thought of them giving up their lives to do that is horrifying for me. In some cultures it may be seen as a the role of an adult child but it has not been in my family for the last three generations.
I think what concerns those of us who have been involved with the care of a dementia patient until it causes their death is the burden of advanced dementia. When the person becomes incontinent, forgets how to talk, walk and eventually how to eat. They may also become violent. There is a stage at which they have to have highly skilled nursing.
I would never want my children to take on the role of a nurse for me. The thought of them giving up their lives to do that is horrifying for me. In some cultures it may be seen as a the role of an adult child but it has not been in my family for the last three generations.
Correct! Because my wife and I are witnessing this with my own mother, my father, and now her mother, we are pursuing Long Term Care Insurance. We do not wish to place the burden of our care on our children's shoulders.
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But it's not easy & it's not reasonable, nor is it safe. It is reasonable to understand that this has the potential to derail her career & your future. Proceed with caution.
