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Why on earth would they go to your Dad's house with you? That makes no sense.
Apparently, because we are all “family”, she feels we that an invitation to my parents house
during the holidays should include all of us because leaving her and mom at home to do their
own thing would be rude.
I think its rude to assume you should be invited to anyone’s house, but I was raised differently.
She has a will and living trust. What would the elder care atty be able to help me
with? Do they give advice on situations like this?
Thanks!
Yes, they do, For instance, they may be able to answer lots of questions about the inheritance, the house, that sort of thing. That seems to be a big concern with DH.
And speaking of DH, I agree - he's the biggest problem out of the whole mix. Personally I think you need some legal advice involving HIM as well. From a different sort of lawyer.
This has gone on too long to fix it with a brush stroke. I would take the problem in mini steps. Christmas is upon us so is the visit with your family. Sit down with your husband and explain to him that the two of you are visiting your family. It may be you will have to explain it to SIL that she will stay with her mother. Let the other siblings know by whatever means of communication you normally use and copy her in. Nobody will be able to say they did not know. Be prepared for drama 101. Have a good time!
I find driving with SO a good time to talk. Use the trip. Explain to him how the situation is wearing you down.
Clean fridge and pantry out. Cook without leftovers and if leftovers are a necessity for lunches - package and mark them.
Assign her chores and be a drill sergeant when they do not get done.
Doctor visits, discussions with CNA, .... make her be there and always involve the others.
Have a talk with yourself - is this worth it? What is in it for you at the end? Will the siblings accept the will?
Your children are adults with careers. Where do they stand?
I’m looking into counseling to see how to rectify this situation
without losing my mind.
Thanks for all the replies.
I truly appreciate it������
Get a full-time job since you have a day-time caregiver. That will give you more options now and in the future.
The two siblings are determined to take care of her to the end and save the inheritance from being eaten up by her care costs or transferred to the sibling that's doing the caregiving at the end. It's probable that the care becomes too difficult for them to handle and she has to move into a facility.
Now that SIL lives there too, why don't you & your husband move out? Let SIL be the primary caregiver, and you just provide respites for her periodically?
I agree. OP, after 16 years, you've done your share. You've put in your time. You and your husband can get your own place now, and leave mom to her daughter. Frankly, they sound like they deserve each other. And I don't understand why you feel you have to take your entire family to see your dad. I'm sure you and your dad would benefit from one-on-one time with each other. There's nothing wrong with that. Why are you not able to assert yourself, to state the simple fact that you need to see your dad on your own, occasionally? It's a perfectly normal thing to do.
Regarding the MIL, all you have to do, is say you can't do this anymore. Talk to your husband about moving out. You can stay in the same town, and he can visit his mom as he sees fit. No one's stopping him from being more involved, but himself. You've really gone above and beyond the call of duty. You have the right to enjoy your life. You're not obligated to devote it to your MIL. If she can't keep a caregiver around, due to her own idiosyncrasies, that's her problem, not yours. She can live with the consequences of her behavior. Maybe she'll change, when she sees there's no one willing to take up the slack. This is not your problem.
Why isn't your husband concerned about the effect this is having on you, btw? He should be supporting you. His first obligation is to you, not his mother. That's why he married you, presumably. That's how marriages are supposed to work. I wonder if you and your husband might benefit from some marriage counseling, if he's behaving as if it's ok for you to suffer a complete meltdown, due to his mother. That's very concerning. He's supposed to be on your side.
This has gone on too long to fix it with a brush stroke. I would take the problem in mini steps. Christmas is upon us so is the visit with your family. Sit down with your husband and explain to him that the two of you are visiting your family. It may be you will have to explain it to SIL that she will stay with her mother. Let the other siblings know by whatever means of communication you normally use and copy her in. Nobody will be able to say they did not know. Be prepared for drama 101. Have a good time!
I find driving with SO a good time to talk. Use the trip. Explain to him how the situation is wearing you down. Clean fridge and pantry out. Cook without leftovers and if leftovers are a necessity for lunches - package and mark them.
Assign her chores and be a drill sergeant when they do not get done.
Doctor visits, discussions with CNA, .... make her be there and always involve the others.
Have a talk with yourself - is this worth it? What is in it for you at the end? Will the siblings accept the will?
Your children are adults with careers. Where do they stand?
For heaven's sake, if the theft of leftovers is that big a problem, she can buy a small fridge for their room, and keep some leftovers separate. It's an easy solution.
This is a messed up situation for sure and if hubby and I had any clue it was going to last this long, we definitely would have done things differently to protect ourselves. However, we didn’t and so we are here.
If hubby and I leave, the SIL will put MIL in a home. MIL, who is in a wheelchair and does have dementia, is not at the point where a home would be a good thing. Yes, she needs care, and yes, it’s difficult, but we’ve been here before.
My husband wants to keep her at home for her safety and because he knows if he moves, the inheritance of the house (that no one would have had, had we not moved in) his siblings will try to screw him out of.
I also feel I am doing most of the work when it comes to the MIL than my husband is doing. My SIL does it in the afternoon from her nap, then we do it at night cause SIL goes to school. SIL is always in my business. I have no privacy and hubby won’t say anything because that is her and she’s an alien.
If I get mad, then he tells me to leave and move somewhere else.
So yes, I feel I have NO voice and I’m not a nice person to be around because I didn’t sign on for this crap.
SIL feels that because we live in the same house, we should all be invited over to my dad’s house. Even my husband agrees. Except for times they invite us over and its not a holiday. Then we don’t.
This is stupid, but sometimes I just want to end it. I refuse to end up drinking because I hate the taste of alcohol, but the pain of having to deal with my SIL without hubby’s backup is killing me.
I wish I knew how to get her to move. I wouldn’t have a problem if she moved out of a deep love for her mom, but she had a paid off house and lived by herself. She only moved because she hated her
job and she figured she could move in here. My deep fear is that she develops ALZ because I’m done after the MIL. SIL is on her own.
I just saw this update. This is alarming. It seems to boil down to the fact, that your husband is willing to sacrifice your well-being and even the marriage , just so he can salvage a relatively minor inheritance that would get split 3 ways, anyway. He gets caught up in the anticipated drama of his siblings "screwing him out of" his share of whatever the house is worth, and whatever money his mother has. IT'S NOT WORTH IT! I doubt he needs the money, because you two have been living rent-free for 16 years. You must have quite a nest egg built up. Unfortunately, he's not the one posting for advice, but if he were, I would say--get radical, and just walk away from this inheritance. Let the jackals fight over it amongst themselves, or let SIL use the money to put mom in a facility. It's not worth the strain on HIS peace of mind, your peace of mind, and the entire marriage!
You two REALLY need marriage counseling! If he's not willing to go, move out. Move in with your dad, if you have to, but you're entitled to half of whatever the two of you have in your retirement account. But if your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, and you feel you can't afford your own place, move in with your dad. Hopefully, your husband would attempt to reconcile, if it came to that.
No one can stop you from visiting your dad on your own, btw. They can't demand to get in the car with you, or follow you in their own cars. This is ridiculous. Why is your SIL involved in that at all? How far away does your dad live, anyway? Couldn't you drop by to see him, sometime after a grocery shopping trip or other errand?
This family is crushing you, OP. Your own husband is crushing you. Take some time out, to decompress. Simply announce you're taking a long weekend off, or even a week off, to take a break and clear your head. There's nothing wrong with getting some desperately-needed "me" time, for your own mental health. Get a massage or two, while you're on your break. They work wonders, in terms of de-stressing, and giving you a fresh perspective over life's problems. In your situation, a massage is not a luxury; it's medical and mental-health triage.
Good luck, and stay in touch with us, please. Take care of yourself. If you don't, it's clear that no one else will.
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Living with MIL for 16 yrs
, just so he can salvage a relatively minor inheritance that would get split 3 ways, anyway. He gets caught up in the anticipated drama of his siblings "screwing him out of" his share of whatever the house is worth, and whatever money his mother has. IT'S NOT WORTH IT! I doubt he needs the money, because you two have been living rent-free for 16 years. You must have quite a nest egg built up. Unfortunately, he's not the one posting for advice, but if he were, I would say--get radical, and just walk away from this inheritance. Let the jackals fight over it amongst themselves, or let SIL use the money to put mom in a facility. It's not worth the strain on HIS peace of mind, your peace of mind, and the entire marriage! 
