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We often hear of siblings and other assorted relatives who "breeze onto the scene" during holiday visits and offer all sorts of assorted opinions about what should be done -- even though the actual on the scene/in the trenches person has already been-there-done-that-already-tried-it-and-it didn't-work.
Just heard a rant from a friend about this. Any of you have similar experiences over Thanksgiving, or do you expect to this season? Or did you nip it in the bud somehow?
Totally nipped that one in the bud several years ago and haven't had a problem with that since. The closest we get to that is my youngest brother constantly admonishing me to "take care of myself," and "be careful" and "pay attention to stress and try to defuse it" and all that good stuff - but that's because he knows he's not doing a thing to help our mother and if something happens to me, it will be on him to do something - and he sure as heck doesn't want that!
He does go around telling other family members that I'm probably stealing Mom's money or whatever, but I just let that slide right off my tail feathers because I know I'm not and no one pays much attention to his accusations anyway. No one who matters to me so there's that.
As an out-of-stater who leaves my mom's welfare to my sisters, I look forward to the replies and any advice!
[Btw, I was the "relative in charge" for my grandmother's care for over 20 years, and as the oldest sibling, I was "second mom" to my younger siblings and did the majority of housework (along with the second oldest sibling) from the time I was nine until I left home at 18 (long story), and I also paid my parents for my room and board since I was 14 (babysitting and then a part-time job), so I have "done my part" and feel no guilt about removing myself from the situation. (No problems yet, though, as my mom is 86, still active, and lives on her own in her own home.)]
We often hear of siblings and other assorted relatives who "breeze onto the scene" during holiday visits and offer all sorts of assorted opinions about what should be done -- even though the actual on the scene/in the trenches person has already been-there-done-that-already-tried-it-and-it didn't-work.
Just heard a rant from a friend about this. Any of you have similar experiences over Thanksgiving, or do you expect to this season? Or did you nip it in the bud somehow?
Here's a place to vent. Happy Holidays!
I nipped it by having a pleasant, delightful day on Thanksgiving with just my cats.
As an out-of-stater who leaves my mom's welfare to my sisters, I look forward to the replies and any advice!
[Btw, I was the "relative in charge" for my grandmother's care for over 20 years, and as the oldest sibling, I was "second mom" to my younger siblings and did the majority of housework (along with the second oldest sibling) from the time I was nine until I left home at 18 (long story), and I also paid my parents for my room and board since I was 14 (babysitting and then a part-time job), so I have "done my part" and feel no guilt about removing myself from the situation. (No problems yet, though, as my mom is 86, still active, and lives on her own in her own home.)]
Oh some out of staters are awesome - my middle brother is one of them. He has lived at least 14 hours drive away for 30 something years - he has his whole family, his job, all that built out of state, and plus, he and his wife had her dad to take care of (he literally lived five minutes from them and was a serious handful and constant issue) till a year ago. Not to mention that all last year he fought cancer tooth and nail (and it seems like he won this round!). Even so, he has come to visit several times and helped me tremendously and I feel his love and support even though he's not here. He doesn't interfere at all in decisions about Mom but I do keep him posted. He has some good suggestions and insight but he's never pushy or ornery about anything.
As an out-of-stater who leaves my mom's welfare to my sisters, I look forward to the replies and any advice!
[Btw, I was the "relative in charge" for my grandmother's care for over 20 years, and as the oldest sibling, I was "second mom" to my younger siblings and did the majority of housework (along with the second oldest sibling) from the time I was nine until I left home at 18 (long story), and I also paid my parents for my room and board since I was 14 (babysitting and then a part-time job), so I have "done my part" and feel no guilt about removing myself from the situation. (No problems yet, though, as my mom is 86, still active, and lives on her own in her own home.)]
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Oh some out of staters are awesome - my middle brother is one of them. He has lived at least 14 hours drive away for 30 something years - he has his whole family, his job, all that built out of state, and plus, he and his wife had her dad to take care of (he literally lived five minutes from them and was a serious handful and constant issue) till a year ago. Not to mention that all last year he fought cancer tooth and nail (and it seems like he won this round!). Even so, he has come to visit several times and helped me tremendously and I feel his love and support even though he's not here. He doesn't interfere at all in decisions about Mom but I do keep him posted. He has some good suggestions and insight but he's never pushy or ornery about anything.
KA is right -- just because someone is out of town and out of the daily "fray" doesn't mean they're not helpful from afar or supportive and helpful when they are in town. In fact, sometimes the out of towner serves as a much-needed respite for the local caregiver.
It's the folks who arrive on the scene with all kinds of advice that makes the local person feel like they are not doing "it" right that causes problems.
It's the folks who arrive on the scene with all kinds of advice that makes the local person feel like they are not doing "it" right that causes problems.
I heard the perfect term for these folks. They are seagulls. They swoop in, ***** all over everything, and then fly away.
I do feel for anyone subjected to such frustrating visits, but must say that my two brothers fall over themselves to be as helpful as possible both during visits, and whatever they can do from their distant homes. I’m the one who lives close to the parents, who are in a great assisted living place. We planned it that way, as one brother still has kids at home, the other is still working, and I’m single and retired. But they are so supportive. It would be awful to dread their visits instead of looking forward to them.
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