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I'm planning well for my own care, I assure you.
I'm not trying to "trash talk" my parents. Seriously I'm not. But they are hell on wheels. There is a reason my sibs rarely come to town. So I am the one that shoulders the burden, and that burden has taken a huge toll. And from the responses here it appears I am in a very small minority with this situation. Which makes it suck all the more. The situation with them and me being the one sib here, has caused me to nearly lose the almost 10-year relationship with my SO - he can barely tolerate being around them for an hour. And I hate that, but I can't blame him for it. My brother can only come by himself, his wife has refused to come for the last 7 years. So your belief that "they they need to be comfortable with whomever you send to their house", well, that's a nice thought. But it's not based in reality.
Their fruit has been swept a long way from this tree. Guaranteed. Me and my sibs talk about that very thing, a lot. It's something we are all very very conscious of. My sis and I always tell each other - the minute I say something that reminds you of mom, slap me!
Really sorry to hear of the situation with your parents and how they are. What do you do for yourself, self-care wise?
My wife is a care giver and unfortunately she has heard this before, one client told her she wanted her back because she was not black. The bad news for these people is a large percent of car givers are AAs.
I guess it can vary by region. I'm in California and a majority of the caregivers here are Asian (especially Filipinos) and Latino/Hispanic.
Really sorry to hear of the situation with your parents and how they are. What do you do for yourself, self-care wise?
During these periods, it’s a struggle. Until I got the care situation nailed down, I could only sleep 3-4 hours at night... This is what happens. It weighs so heavily on me that I just lie in bed worrying about what is to come. I become exhausted. If I can get back into the gym, that will help. That’s my therapy.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 12-16-2018 at 06:12 AM..
When I first hired the at home care for my parents, the fun began. Dad had dementia, so Mom was in charge. My Mom was an old fashioned Jewish woman, not necessarily racist, but certainly not forgiving. Over the first year plus, it was a parade of caregivers coming through as my Mom just could not settle on the "right" people. Most were Haitian or Jamaican. The Company tried to send one male caregiver, but that lasted about 2 minutes after the doorbell rang. And my Mom yelled at a woman to get out of the house after a few hours calling her a Nazi (she was German). At about the 2 year mark finally settled on the same caregivers. The phone calls I had to endure from my Mom. The trips to the caregiving company to discuss things. What a freakin' ride it was. Yet at the end of the day I knew I could only suggest my Mom to calm down and give people a chance more so than she did. It was their money, not mine. Their house, not mine.
I read a few pages of these posts, and all I could think of was "What ever happened to allowing total control over one's own home?"
Yes, racism and bigotry just are not allowed these days, even though a lot of people still are racist and bigoted. They just keep quiet about it to get along in society.
But in your own home?
Have we forgotten that "A man's home is his castle!"? IMO, a person has every right to say "This person just won't do!" Don't give a reason, don't mention color, race, or religion, just "This person is not acceptable to the client."
I find the story about the jewelry sorters quite humorous, really. The employer HAD to accept men, even though they weren't qualified? Was it too difficult (or, perhaps, illegal) to say "Sorry, this person is not qualified for the job, and I do not have the time to train him!" (or her). IMO, that is a justifiable reason to not hire!
To the OP, sorry, but IMO, it is a matter of "My home, my rules. Do it my way, or it ain't gonna get done!" I believe the old man has that right. I do not agree with him, but it IS a matter of his rights!
I read the first post by "chessie", and I feel for her, cause I see me and my sister in this similar situation..
my father passed this past march, and for some odd reason my mother has been so mean to me, and my partner, (who she would make special deserts for)....figure this out???
im thinking dementia???
I said, Ma, your 82 you can get an aide.
just like Chessie parents, OMG, it is 2018, I am middle age gay man, and my mother said, I will never have a black woman in my kitchen. Fortunetely, my sister lives much closer, but it isnt fair to her, and 2 weeks ago when my and my partner were there, she got all the snippy remarks in, terrible. My sons, (i have 3 sons) worse, they dont even like going to see her, I have even asked about my DIL's.
Its so terrible, they dont even like thier grandmother, Im sick over this.
I dont see my situation as getting any better, and I cant make my sons do anything, and they have thier families, and an aide would surley help.
you would think with my "situation" my mother would be a little more open minded?????
it seems the week before my father passed she seemed to be angry, and mean...my father had a good passing, he was 90. IM THE ONE WITH THE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.......
I will go back and read all the posts, the first one just made me have to let chessie know, that i feel for her, i truly, truly do, or anyone with a parent that become simply unbeareable......
Im a boomer so im not that young where i want to be caring for a mean parent, plus I work, and have a very demanding job, that requires my full attention.................
thank god for xanax.................
My husband died 3 years ago, and I saw his demise coming. Do you think if you were able to sense the demise of your partner, it might just make you emotional - even angry?
Now, 3 years later, I'm still angry at God, and myself and everyone because my husband is gone. I'm not over it. Im not looking to date or anything like that. People talk about what I should be doing as if they have a clue how I feel. As if they know what it is like to suddenly have the one constant you have known throughout the bulk of your life removed from you. Again, do you think you might feel angry, sometimes mean - if you partner somehow became suddenly removed from you, and especially if you had spent a lifetime with them?
I don't need answers to these questions. Im just trying to help you walk a mile in your suddenly unbearable parent's shoes. I would also suggest that you keep a watch, for your own sake, on how long you use the Xanax for relief. Long term use of the drug can lead to strokes, and you say you already have high blood pressure. We lost a long time family friend that way.
I read a few pages of these posts, and all I could think of was "What ever happened to allowing total control over one's own home?"
Yes, racism and bigotry just are not allowed these days, even though a lot of people still are racist and bigoted. They just keep quiet about it to get along in society.
But in your own home?
Have we forgotten that "A man's home is his castle!"? IMO, a person has every right to say "This person just won't do!" Don't give a reason, don't mention color, race, or religion, just "This person is not acceptable to the client."
I find the story about the jewelry sorters quite humorous, really. The employer HAD to accept men, even though they weren't qualified? Was it too difficult (or, perhaps, illegal) to say "Sorry, this person is not qualified for the job, and I do not have the time to train him!" (or her). IMO, that is a justifiable reason to not hire!
To the OP, sorry, but IMO, it is a matter of "My home, my rules. Do it my way, or it ain't gonna get done!" I believe the old man has that right. I do not agree with him, but it IS a matter of his rights!
If they were able to care for themselves I’d agree, but they are making OP responsible for their care. When you require someone else to compromise their life in order for you to be in that home, you don’t get to say “my house my rules”.
I read a few pages of these posts, and all I could think of was "What ever happened to allowing total control over one's own home?"
Yes, racism and bigotry just are not allowed these days, even though a lot of people still are racist and bigoted. They just keep quiet about it to get along in society.
But in your own home?
Have we forgotten that "A man's home is his castle!"? IMO, a person has every right to say "This person just won't do!" Don't give a reason, don't mention color, race, or religion, just "This person is not acceptable to the client."
I find the story about the jewelry sorters quite humorous, really. The employer HAD to accept men, even though they weren't qualified? Was it too difficult (or, perhaps, illegal) to say "Sorry, this person is not qualified for the job, and I do not have the time to train him!" (or her). IMO, that is a justifiable reason to not hire!
To the OP, sorry, but IMO, it is a matter of "My home, my rules. Do it my way, or it ain't gonna get done!" I believe the old man has that right. I do not agree with him, but it IS a matter of his rights!
Sure it is, if he wants to coordinate it all himself. He's free to be as ignorant and racist as he wants to be as long as he's not counting on other people to dance to his same tune and cater to him.
I don't view this as a whole lot different from someone not wanting a male or female doctor, although the reasons for it are not the same. Yes, the old man makes the whole situation difficult and embarrassing but, OP, you know where he stands. But I don't know if there are so many caretakers out there for an agency to choose from, and as already noted, don't know if they even can abide by his wishes due to laws. If I was an elder requiring care I know I would want one that speaks English, because caregivers all seem to have various training.
I didn't read the whole thread but when I saw the title I had to put my 2cents in here. My father always was a bigot, archie bunker and guess who helped shower him and dress him in his last months, a sweet wonderful black man. We even sold dad's last auto to this black man.
So so much "sick" ignorance out there. So so sad.
Last edited by jaminhealth; 12-16-2018 at 11:37 AM..
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