Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi all - I'm looking for some support as we're about to make a major life change and I'm struggling a bit. I'm from a midsize midwestern town and my mom still lives there. I travel back monthly or bi-weekly now from NYC to check in and I manage basically her whole life from here. Every time there's a hospitalization or a scare, I'm back in her state managing it and it's gotten too much to handle. I found a job in the same city and though it is a paycut, its a big company with potential. My husband is hoping to take his job remote, but he is in a pretty NYC-centric field so it's a scary change That said, he's fully on board and ready to move, at least for a few years.
We considered moving my mom to NYC, but the costs associated and getting back on Medicaid made it seem like a bad decision. I have friends in my hometown and it will be nice in many ways to go back to a lower cost of living city, but I am going to miss NYC dearly.
Has anyone moved their lives for their parents? How did you deal with resentment? I'm worried I will resent my sick mother, even though she says she doesn't want us to give up our lives for her.
We have talked about doing it, and I have have had similar fears. I already resent my parents for refusing to accept our offers of help over the past ten years, and their refusal to plan and how their situation fell apart to the point where they were removed from their home against their will.
Yet I worry myself sick about them, and the stress of the situation is hurting my marriage and my relationship with my kids.
So I don't have any advice but I will read this thread with great interest, to see what others think.
I think an important thing to add here is both my husband and I recently turned 30, so this is happening much earlier than most for us. Luckily we don't have kids yet, so we're only uprooting our own lives but we never saw this happening so soon.
It is great that your husband is on board with it. It is never going to be perfect whether you move or not. You can only do what you think will work best for you. Hopefully you will be able to go back to NY for some long weekends.
You didn't say whether or not your Mother will need care for many years or if it will only be two or three. The amount of years spent caregiving, as well as the personalties of parent and child will have a big part on whether there's resentment or not.
I hope things work out well for you and your family.
We were planning on moving anyway, so we made a temporary move to care for my terminal father, and then after his death we moved to where we actually wanted to live. BUT we were retired, and we knew it would be temporary.
At your stage in life, you have a lot to consider in this decision:
How old is your mother and what is her condition and prognosis?
Does she now or will she soon need personal care which you are able and willing to provide?
Would you want or need to reside with her? If so, how would she and each of you deal with so much time spent together?
Are her finances ample for her or would she need your help?
Are you anticipating starting your own family soon?
Please consider everything honestly before you uproot your lives, and remember that your Mom's mental & physical status may become increasingly demanding.
OP, I would encourage you to absolutely not make this move.
Since your mother says she doesn't want you and your husband (who should be your first priority here) to give up your lives for her, have a conversation with her about what changes she (not you and your husband) has to make so you don't have to (continue) to give up your lives for her.
Your first priority now is successfully building your own family, even if it is a family of two (you and your husband) Of course, you do what you are able to do to help your mother, but not at the expense of your life or your husband's life.
I am at the other end of my life and my husband and I have put on hold for some five years now a retirement downsizing move in order to accommodate a parent who will not compromise, so this is where my point of view comes from.
I was resentful for some of this past five years. My parent took our pretty healthy relationship and completely destroyed it with an unyielding attitude.
But, that's on her and me being resentful just dragged me down. I let go of the resentment by recognizing this and two other things- My parent is doing the best she can; she just is who she is. And, eventually she will die. Until then, we are making the best of it.
Making lemonade out of lemons, so to speak. Our plan to retire in the southwest will never happen, we are too old and mentally worn out now. But that's okay, we have much to be happy about in our lives.
I'm telling you some of these above details in order to point out to you how much more you may be giving up if you make this move... you are much younger...
Re: paying for your raising - yes but within reason. And paying it forward to the next generation can be healthier and more productive, not just for the individuals involved, but for society and the world at large.
Good luck with whatever you decide
Last edited by LilyMae521; 02-21-2019 at 05:39 AM..
What exactly is going on with your mom? Is she chronically or terminally ill (you mention frequent hospitalizations and having to make a lot of trips). If you just turned 30, she would be pretty young still unless she adopted you when she was older. Does she have early dementia?
Why does she need you to manage her whole life? What are you having to manage?
Is there a true need for you to be hands-on or is this just driven by guilt?
It’s hard to give you advice without knowing more. If she is so ill that her lifespan will only be a couple of years I would suck it up and just continue commuting.
The short answer is do not move. You seemed to brush off the idea of moving your mom to where you are but I think you should explore that more. It’s not fair to make your husband move from where his industry is based.
A little more background - my mom is fairly young, 70 years old. She has had a series of health issues starting with a fall. She was diagnosed with Parkinsons and had a stroke. I'm her only family member other than her brother in law who is mentally handicapped and lives with her (with his own caretakers). My dad died when I was 13 so she is alone. I want to be closer to her in her last years and I keep telling myself we're young, we can move back to NYC when the time is right.
I won't be physically caregiving day to day as she has 10 hours of in-house staffing. I'd assist with doctors appts and stuff, but mainly help to make her life better (spending time, going to dinner, etc).
Moving her here is probably not impossible, but it's very expensive, especially as we're not positive NYC is sustainable forever anyway. It's an expensive city, even if I love living here.
A little more background - my mom is fairly young, 70 years old. She has had a series of health issues starting with a fall. She was diagnosed with Parkinsons and had a stroke. I'm her only family member other than her brother in law who is mentally handicapped and lives with her (with his own caretakers). My dad died when I was 13 so she is alone. I want to be closer to her in her last years and I keep telling myself we're young, we can move back to NYC when the time is right.
I won't be physically caregiving day to day as she has 10 hours of in-house staffing. I'd assist with doctors appts and stuff, but mainly help to make her life better (spending time, going to dinner, etc).
Moving her here is probably not impossible, but it's very expensive, especially as we're not positive NYC is sustainable forever anyway. It's an expensive city, even if I love living here.
Well, it sounds like you have your mind set on moving back. I will say that you will probably need to go into this knowing that you will probably have to put off having kids. If having kids is important to you, you might be faced with making a choice. Even if you aren't hands on caregiving (who would do it outside of the 10 hours?) the demands and stress of looking after a disabled parent -- and dealing managing in home caregivers etc -- is more overwhelming than you can imagine. It is very likely it will consume your physical and emotional energy and it will be hard to tend to the demands of an infant/toddler with all that. Especially if you have to work full time.
For me, I had to make the choice of giving up on having a kid. Even though my dad cared for my mother at home before she went to a nursing home, the demands of working full time and being "available to help" even emotionally -- the constant phone calls from him during the workday, the weekly crises of her falling or disappearing down the street etc, the being there every weekend to give my dad a break -- was so draining that I knew I couldn't bring a kid into the mix and didn't want to gamble that my kid may have some kind of special need requiring even more attention (have several friends who have kids with various special needs). I regret that I am childless now but it is what it is. I mean, lots of other adults have ill parents and THEY still manage to have families of their own, and not be "there" all the time, but there were just a lot of expectations placed on me and I just couldn't do everything I wanted.
Good luck to you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
