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I'll give you a concrete example (ymmv). When my son and I suddenly needed to find a facility for my husband (because I was his full time care giver and I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer) we called 60 (yes, 60 facilities) and only one had a vacancy AND accepted Medicaid. There were two other places that had vacancies AND accepted Medicaid after private paying for only 12 to 18 months (rather than the standard 24 to 36 months.
Yes, many/most facilities do accept Medicaid but, at least in my area, it isn't unusual for a 100 bed facility to allocate three or four beds as "Medicaid beds" but reserved them for long term residents who have private paid for several years.
Again, This was my experience. You experience may be different.
I agree. Perhaps you need to start being more annoying. You can start to take an afternoon nap for several hours each day, or "go to bed early" (like your husband), or plan evening meals that YOU like and MIL hates, or play music that YOU like and mil hates, or spend time reading every day on your porch or at the library, or "forget" to buy MIL's favorite coffee or snacks for the next month or two, and/or similar things.
I suspect that you are being TOO nice and TOO accommodating to your MIL. Keep in mind how your husband treats his own mother (such as lying to her that he is "going to bed at 8:30" and then plays on his computer for a couple of hours). And, I bet that there are many other similar things.
I believe that. I think it is much, much easier to get a Medicaid bed for long term care if the patient is coming from the rehab wing. You kind of have an "in", and they've already made a lot from you via Medicare. I assume my mom will be in a rehab when the determination comes that ALF is no longer appropriate (and if not I will try to find something her doctor can admit her to a hospital for 3 days for).
The thing is, it might get much harder. Medicare reimbursement was already cut and it is seen in the facilities I work in (some don't give out combs or brushes anymore, there's not enough towels, etc) but this new budget that is being prepared for the House cuts almost a trillion dollars from Medicare, and also huge cuts to Medicaid. There may not be anyone who wants medicare or medicaid patients because their reimbursement will surely be slashed significantly. Hopefully caregivers and people simply getting older, will be aware and make their voices heard on this.
Your MIL has other children who want to see her. She can still travel, albeit the airport personnel will need zip her around on a scooter through the airport. It seems short sighted to not have her go visit while she can.
Also, sometimes older folks complain when they really do not have a complaint, just to talk...she might complain about you "being annoying" once she gets to her son/daughter's house.
I think it's best to let my husband do the communicating with his family & me with mine...just so there are never miscommunications. I would suggest you & your husband buy her a one way plane ticket to whichever family member she wants see first and help her pack a bag.....you can UPS some of her extra stuff which she wouldn't want to be without.
Sell this as she needs go see them before her health fails. It is very true.
OP, are your teens in high school and have Spring or Summer vacation coming up? Does your husband have vacation time also? It does not have to be a big trip, just some time away.
I agree MIL needs to head to Nevada to visit other family members and a vacation is always a reasonable time to make the break. MIL heads to NV for her “vacation” with family (hopefully for several months or longer) and your family takes off for your own vacation. Since you have hosted her for a year, it is not unreasonable that a sibling comes to get her and escorts her back to their home if she refuses to fly alone.
The situation basically would be “the house is being locked up and the water turned off while we are all enjoying our vacation - have fun!”.
If you need support, you might have another session with the second (helpful) therapist you mentioned. If your husband does not concur, bring him in for a joint session. Perhaps he needs to be told by a professional that this situation is not sustainable for you.
fair is fair. Let some of the other children do their part. Why should this responsibility land on only one person?
It's common for one person to do the housing. I see talking about rotating a lot on these threads in this section. What I have never seen is people who actually rotate by means of transferring the elderly person from one place to another.
I have only read a few pages, but my first thought was that your problem is more with your husband than with your MIL now, since you dealt with her being unkind. From what I read, she's not unkind to you - you just wish you had your house to yourself.
I had a great counselor at one point in my life when I'd married my 2nd husband, and my daughter came to live with us. When we all got up at the same time in the morning, all I would hear was "where are my socks" and "what's for breakfast," etc., etc. Then we'd all be fighting over the one bathroom. It was driving me nuts.
My therapist suggested that I get up at least an hour before them, so I could have my coffee in peace and just stare outside or journal, etc. I started setting my alarm for 5am. I could have my coffee in peace, take a shower in peace, and then when they got up, I was like Yoda.
You'll have to figure out how to get what you need, within the parameters you now have. Get up earlier than her, take off on weekends, so your husband takes the burden off of you for awhile, whatever it will take for you to be able to be kind to her - assuming she's not being evil - and take care of your needs, too.
You won't be able to have your house to yourself until she's gone. And I wouldn't bank on her going to NV. She likes it with you and your husband wants her there.
Again, assuming she's being nice to you, it really is a compliment that she wants to be with you. Maybe you could create a new tradition with her in the mornings where the two of you play cards or something. I don't know either of you, but I can tell you that I'm an elderly woman now, and have neighbors in my senior apartment building who are lonely, and would just love some simple company.
I don't think it's fair for your husband to expect you to take the full burden of being kind to your MIL (again assuming she's treating you well), and I don't think anyone should have to be made to feel they should be a saint. But, if you could then try to imagine being her and maybe being lonely, etc., you could maybe look at her in a different light -- after you have had your coffee before she got up, like I used to do ha ha.
Maybe put a coffee maker in your room, get up really early, enjoy your alone time with coffee - I used to call it having coffee with God (I'm not religious, but am spiritual), read some inspirational stuff, and then I could face my demanding family without tearing their heads off.
Good luck. I validate you - that your situation is difficult, that you have the right to be irritated with everything and the fact that you have to adjust. I do suggest you create a new scenario, at least on weekends, where your husband has to share in the burden.
I guess mine is going to be the minority opinion. There is no caregiving burden. Seems to me both are stubborn about alternative places to be besides the kitchen. Of course OP can stand on 'but it's MY HOUSE' but that doesn't seem to be working. If it were my MIL at the table, this is just how I was raised, then I would find one of many alternatives.
I don't see much attempted adapting going on, only trying to 'cope', which are two different things.
Maybe you need to start being more annoying until the other siblings' houses begin to look more attractive by comparison?
Second that. She is lonely and bored- she probably appreciates your company
It is kind of mean, but...
She is at the kitchen table- you have a loud music on, got all your buckets and cleaning supplies- hand her a dusting rag or not and start cleaning and moving around, ask her to sit there, then ask her to sit over there!
Make sure it is a music you don’t mind, but she hates. How about opera?
You can’t talk or listen as your loud music playing- you always clean with loud music. Or even cooking- make her peel onions, clean cat/ dog dish area, etc, etc
Basically, keep her a bit uncomfortable..- please hold this, get me this- you can figure out details.
Talk loudly to your imaginary friends if she starts talking to you: excuse me, I have to take this call...
On the other hand make sure to have a nice stack of old movies from the free library and show her how to use DVD player conveniently in her room...
Ask her to sign every photo- who, where when in pencil on the back.
Find other maybe unpleasant to you projects...engage her- she may start to prefer retreating into her room for a piece of quiet.
I have only read a few pages, but my first thought was that your problem is more with your husband than with your MIL now, since you dealt with her being unkind. From what I read, she's not unkind to you - you just wish you had your house to yourself.
I had a great counselor at one point in my life when I'd married my 2nd husband, and my daughter came to live with us. When we all got up at the same time in the morning, all I would hear was "where are my socks" and "what's for breakfast," etc., etc. Then we'd all be fighting over the one bathroom. It was driving me nuts.
My therapist suggested that I get up at least an hour before them, so I could have my coffee in peace and just stare outside or journal, etc. I started setting my alarm for 5am. I could have my coffee in peace, take a shower in peace, and then when they got up, I was like Yoda.
You'll have to figure out how to get what you need, within the parameters you now have. Get up earlier than her, take off on weekends, so your husband takes the burden off of you for awhile, whatever it will take for you to be able to be kind to her - assuming she's not being evil - and take care of your needs, too.
You won't be able to have your house to yourself until she's gone. And I wouldn't bank on her going to NV. She likes it with you and your husband wants her there.
Again, assuming she's being nice to you, it really is a compliment that she wants to be with you. Maybe you could create a new tradition with her in the mornings where the two of you play cards or something. I don't know either of you, but I can tell you that I'm an elderly woman now, and have neighbors in my senior apartment building who are lonely, and would just love some simple company.
I don't think it's fair for your husband to expect you to take the full burden of being kind to your MIL (again assuming she's treating you well), and I don't think anyone should have to be made to feel they should be a saint. But, if you could then try to imagine being her and maybe being lonely, etc., you could maybe look at her in a different light -- after you have had your coffee before she got up, like I used to do ha ha.
Maybe put a coffee maker in your room, get up really early, enjoy your alone time with coffee - I used to call it having coffee with God (I'm not religious, but am spiritual), read some inspirational stuff, and then I could face my demanding family without tearing their heads off.
Good luck. I validate you - that your situation is difficult, that you have the right to be irritated with everything and the fact that you have to adjust. I do suggest you create a new scenario, at least on weekends, where your husband has to share in the burden.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful comments. You have given me a lot to think about.
Ha; Your husband has been sounding familiar to me too!
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