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Awww, this whole thread makes me sad Sad to think that as children our parents sacrifice so much to care for us and yet in our culture, or Americans at least as I can't nor will I assume everyone here is American , we look at out aging parents as burdens. I worked as a CNA for many years and it was very sad to see those poor elderly people left to die alone in nursing homes, most never had any visitors...until they passed anyway and the vultures swooped in to see if they had anything of value. Not picking on the OP at all, just makes me sad that one day my children may feel as though I am a burden to them when I cherished every single moment of caring for them when they were children.
With that said, I took the advice of many here and told my husband (again!) that this scenario isn't working for me. I certainly don't mind sharing the load with the other siblings, but my house can not be a forever, until she dies, solution. He spoke to the siblings and then to his mother. She will be going to Nevada at the end of May! For right now, the plan is to have her return sometime during the beginning of September. That will give me three months. I can live with that plan for now.
Good for you! I know that must have been a difficult push - it sounds like both you and your husband just want things to be agreeable for everyone, but this was a situation that required a bit of salt. Enjoy your break.
It's easiest to start as one means to go, so I'd suggest having a plan in place for when MIL comes back. Maybe come up with a couple of specific, acceptable-to-you options for daytime activities for MIL, and let her choose among them, get her signed up while she's away, and have her start as soon as she gets back and gets a couple good nights' sleep. I'd also make sure siblings are committed to a scheduled future visit before this one even ends.
Well...some of them are? I think more people need to plan ahead to get not only their finances, but also their social/emotional health in order BEFORE they're elderly and things get more difficult. I'd hope to depend on my kids in my old age, but not to be dependent on them.
I am happy with the update, but I think a six month or longer visit with her other adult children would be better than three months, you have already had her a year.
Awww, this whole thread makes me sad Sad to think that as children our parents sacrifice so much to care for us and yet in our culture, or Americans at least as I can't nor will I assume everyone here is American , we look at out aging parents as burdens. I worked as a CNA for many years and it was very sad to see those poor elderly people left to die alone in nursing homes, most never had any visitors...until they passed anyway and the vultures swooped in to see if they had anything of value. Not picking on the OP at all, just makes me sad that one day my children may feel as though I am a burden to them when I cherished every single moment of caring for them when they were children.
Then don't be a burden.
Have you ever cared for an elderly parent with health issues or dementia (or if you're really lucky, both) in your home? Not as a paid CNA - as a family member. Day in and day out, year in and year out?
There are many ways of caring for elderly parents by the way. It doesn't have to be in one's home. Often that is simply not the best scenario for everyone. Sometimes not for anyone.
I am sorry, but there is a huge difference between caring for an infant or small child, and caring for an elderly parent. For starters, the dynamics are very different. When we're kids, our parents are the boss. They have authority over us, and basically we need to do what they tell us to do when they tell us to do it. It's not the same when they live with adult kids - not at all - but that is often a very hard transition to make. Secondly, often the elderly parent has middle aged kids, with their own health or strength issues. Sometimes it is simply physically impossible for an adult child to care for the physical needs of their parent.
And don't even get me started on the finances. Often parents are needing care right as adult kids are trying to retire. Retirement takes a LOT of money. Or they are trying to put kids through school - that takes a lot of money.
And sometimes parents were never good parents, or the relationship between parent and child was not good.
There are lots and lots of reasons why it doesn't always work well for an elderly adult to live with a child. Maybe you shouldn't judge - just a suggestion.
Awww, this whole thread makes me sad Sad to think that as children our parents sacrifice so much to care for us and yet in our culture, or Americans at least as I can't nor will I assume everyone here is American , we look at out aging parents as burdens. I worked as a CNA for many years and it was very sad to see those poor elderly people left to die alone in nursing homes, most never had any visitors...until they passed anyway and the vultures swooped in to see if they had anything of value. Not picking on the OP at all, just makes me sad that one day my children may feel as though I am a burden to them when I cherished every single moment of caring for them when they were children.
Awww, this whole thread makes me sad Sad to think that as children our parents sacrifice so much to care for us and yet in our culture, or Americans at least as I can't nor will I assume everyone here is American , we look at out aging parents as burdens. I worked as a CNA for many years and it was very sad to see those poor elderly people left to die alone in nursing homes, most never had any visitors...until they passed anyway and the vultures swooped in to see if they had anything of value. Not picking on the OP at all, just makes me sad that one day my children may feel as though I am a burden to them when I cherished every single moment of caring for them when they were children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
There are lots and lots of reasons why it doesn't always work well for an elderly adult to live with a child. Maybe you shouldn't judge - just a suggestion.
A lot of people are missing the larger picture here, one that I naively didn't think about when I wholeheartedly told my husband "have your mom come here and stay with us" when she needed several months of ongoing medical treatment including surgery.
My MIL is a dear, still is. But when she became part of our household, there were all sorts of dynamics that came into play. My husband and her had already been related for 50 years, and thus their relationship was very different from MY relationship with her which had spanned 15 years and out of that we had spent maybe a total of 6 weeks together. My husband felt like he could tell her to mind her own business if she asked something too personal, and if she tracked him down in the basement working he felt comfortable saying "Mom, I'm working, I can't talk to you right now." And if she got whiny about something he would tell her she's being unerasonable.
I don't have that kind of relationship with her. She was a guest in my home and I felt like I didn't have the latitude to just tell it like it is.
Then there is the fact that she just wasn't used to him having a wife, and my rightful place as such. I mean, she loves me and loves that I am married to her son but old habits die hard. She would ask HIM if he wanted certain items for decorating our home but wouldn't ask ME. That sort of thing.
People don't understand until they are in it. I don't think OP's husband is a bad guy, he is just sort of clueless. I think OP is great for stating what she wants and I think it's awesome that he stepped up to give her a break.
Awww, this whole thread makes me sad Sad to think that as children our parents sacrifice so much to care for us and yet in our culture, or Americans at least as I can't nor will I assume everyone here is American , we look at out aging parents as burdens. I worked as a CNA for many years and it was very sad to see those poor elderly people left to die alone in nursing homes, most never had any visitors...until they passed anyway and the vultures swooped in to see if they had anything of value. Not picking on the OP at all, just makes me sad that one day my children may feel as though I am a burden to them when I cherished every single moment of caring for them when they were children.
My bad. I said I agree 100%, but upon re-reading I do NOT think my mother cherished every moment that she sacrificed for me. But she did it. My father too, just in different ways. Sort of the traditional differences between mothers and fathers. He will still slay dragons for me if there are dragons.
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Sad to think that as children our parents sacrifice so much to care for us and yet in our culture, or Americans at least as I can't nor will I assume everyone here is American 
, we look at out aging parents as burdens. I worked as a CNA for many years and it was very sad to see those poor elderly people left to die alone in nursing homes, most never had any visitors...until they passed anyway and the vultures swooped in to see if they had anything of value. Not picking on the OP at all, just makes me sad that one day my children may feel as though I am a burden to them when I cherished every single moment of caring for them when they were children. 
