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Old 03-27-2019, 12:53 AM
 
40 posts, read 51,210 times
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I appreciate all of your kind and understanding comments. As BrassTacksGal and Shamrock4 mentioned, I keep asking my husband why what I want (her to go to the other children's homes for a few months) is less important than what she wants (to stay in my home). Rationally, I understand that it's hard for someone in their 90s travel and that she may find the other children "annoying." However, why am I the only person to have to put up with inconvenience and discomfort?


HistoryFan, my children are in their upper teens. I want to set a good example for them to be kind and respectful to their elderly relatives. However, I have learned from this experience that I will never, ever burden my children and their spouses with me living with them. Never.


Sillbran, I have asked MIL to go to the local senior center, but she refused Said she isn't interested in "that" anymore.
I think she's just old and tired, and it's hard for her to move with her walker from Point A to Point B. That, of course, just makes me feel even more terrible that I have such resentment for such a frail, little old lady...


Shamrock, I do have friends who come over to visit me on a regular basis. We do go walking when it's nice ourside because otherwise MIL just sits down with us and listens to our conversation. On one occasion when it was raining, my girlfriend and I just went to my bedroom to hang out and talk since that was the only way we could have some privacy. How pitiful is that? Ugh. After that, I just glared at MIL when she sat down with us, and I think she got the message.
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Old 03-27-2019, 01:41 AM
 
Location: interior Alaska
6,895 posts, read 5,792,091 times
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Can your teens give you some relief? Take grandma out for dinner or shopping or something a few times a week?
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:29 AM
 
5,401 posts, read 6,463,584 times
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Your kids can get along fine if you take a break/vacation and get away. Is there someone(s) you can go visit & stay with? Or some trip/activity/workshop that you can leave to do for a couple of weeks?

It does not seem right that you objected, but your husband moved his mother in. I think it reasonable to expect your MIL's other children to host her for part of the year. It would be more interesting for her to have a change of scenery, too.

I suggest that each day you play music in the house that you enjoy. Try to be easy on yourself.
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Old 03-27-2019, 07:41 AM
 
686 posts, read 627,033 times
Reputation: 1490
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork View Post

I want her to go live with the other children for several months and have us all take turns. The problem is that I live in Florida and the other children are in Nevada and she does not want to go. She likes living in my house and does not want to live with the other children.

Again, I feel horrible for complaining because things could be worse. I have been to a counselor who feels MIL should go live with the other children. But...MIL does not want to go and my husband thinks I should just adjust to having her here. I am trying, but it is not working. This woman could live for another 5 years or more, and the thought of having to make small talk with her and interact with her all day long is over-whelming. I know it sounds like I have some emotional issues. I really don't think I do. It's just that I liked my quiet home and calm life before all this started, and I feel selfish that I am reacting so badly toward the situation. Can anyone relate to this?
I am not in your situation but can totally relate. I would feel exactly as you do. I don't think you are the selfish one in this picture - I think your MIL is. Maybe you are too welcoming!

I understand the hard position that your husband finds himself in, but wish that he would put you first in his life.
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Old 03-27-2019, 09:36 AM
 
4,406 posts, read 3,415,484 times
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OMG, I could have written most of this, except it was actually my idea to have my 90-year old MIL stay with us. She was here for 9 months for medical treatment in our city.



She is a very sweet lady and we have always gotten along very well. But it was very different having her in our home for so long. Like you, I am more of a quiet type of person. I work from home, and since we don't have kids, I am used to not chatting all the time.



My MIL constantly talked. I would be working in my office, come downstairs to get water or lunch, trying to solve a work problem in my head, and she'd immediately start talking about nothing at all. Or she'd need help with something. In the mornings, I could barely get the coffee made when she would appear in the kitchen saying good morning and starting to chat. This was at 7 am when she had NO reason to be up that early.



I am not kidding when I tell you my husband and I had NO privacy in terms of conversation unless we were in our bedroom with the door closed. She was literally in whatever room we were in. Even though we moved a computer and a telephone into her room where she could get on the internet and whatever, she never felt the need to just "do her thing" alone.



She would say that she planned to eat her lunch leftovers for dinner. So husband wold say "Ok, wasel and I are going to go out to eat dinner then and spend some time together." She would then say "Oh, I'll come with you."



Of course, husband never wanted to be the "bad guy" and tell her no. Yet at the same time, he never spent the amount of time I did keeping her entertained. He would come home from work at 7, and at 8:30 he'd say "OK, I'm going to bed" and spend time in bed streaming. So of course she was "no bother" because he didn't spend that much time chatting and listening and being patient with her.



I'm am saying all of this simply to let you know I get it and that it is completely understandable to feel the way you do. And every time she gas visited since, I have always geared myself up to be "a better person this time" and be more patient and try to relax -- and it never happens. I go back to feeling frustrated, tired and overwhelmed. It sucks to feel that way.
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:08 AM
 
8,196 posts, read 2,808,731 times
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Time to yourself and to not feel that you have to be entertaining someone all day is important to your health.

Is there a spare room that you can set up for yourself with a small fridge, tv comfy chair, books etc to retreat to for some time in the day? You have to not feel guilty. That imo is what causes the anxiety and depression.

I've had family member with Alzheimer's stay with me quite often to give their children a break(nope, I didn't charge them for doing so) and it did get hairy at times when she got worse. I loved her dearly but I was her caretaker so I needed reprieve at times. I finally realized that it was the guilt that I felt for needing a break from her to be alone that was making me have anxiety.

Once I realized that, I dealt with it.

Once you realize that it is normal to want time alone, to not have someone needy around you all day long, and take time to treat yourself as well as you do others, you will feel less anxious and guilty and may begin to enjoy her company in the time that you do spend with her.

Just my two cents. Hope you find a remedy.

Last edited by 4dognight; 03-27-2019 at 10:20 AM..
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:11 AM
 
Location: St Louis MO area
129 posts, read 81,371 times
Reputation: 991
OP, I really feel for you. In a way, I've seen both sides of the "Aging In-Law Saga." My husband's parents moved in with husband's sister about 1500 miles away from us. This was 100% the sister-in-law's idea and we were not involved in the decision at all. Sister-in-law and her husband have tremendously more money than we do, they had the extra space, and they had their basement remodeled into a separate apartment for the parents. This was maybe 5-7 years ago.... all was well until my Mother-in-law suddenly died last spring. Father-in-law went into a tailspin and could do almost nothing for himself (cook, pay bills, etc.). He has a few health problems but is totally able to care for himself - he just depended on his wife for so long that he didn't know how to function without her.

Sister-in-law suggested that a change of scenery would do him some good. We agreed to have him visit us for a week. Our house is small, we did not have many vacation days to take off to entertain him, and there is NOTHING to keep him busy here. Imagine our surprise when they gave us the dates of his travel - they were sending him to us for TWO weeks, not the ONE we agreed to. But we understood that Sister-in-law needed a break so we didn't put up a fuss. Father-in-law didn't really want to come visit but they basically bought the tickets for him and put him on the plane and didn't give him a choice.

That was probably the longest two weeks of my life. Everything you wrote about your MIL was true about my FIL. He talked non-stop, and repeated the same stories over and over and over.... like he was on a repeating tape that lasted about 90 minutes and then started over. All he did was complain - he was bored, the weather Out West was so much better, his apartment Out West was so much bigger than the spare bedroom we gave him. Mind you - we tried every day to get him to go somewhere- the zoo, a museum, a scenic drive, Wal-Mart.... anything. But he didn't want to go anywhere. And he expected us (mostly me) to chat with him while I was trying to get ready for work, clean the house, etc. It. Never. Stopped. I was so frazzled from this, I would pretend to have to go somewhere but I would just sit in my car in a parking lot and read. I found myself hiding in the bathroom in my own house to get away from him. I am not a social person, I despise small talk, and I had never spent much time with the in-laws so we didn't have much to talk about. I have made it clear to my husband that if his sister wants to send Dad out again, either Dad stays in a hotel or I will.

This was only two weeks and I almost had a breakdown just because I need my privacy and quiet time, but with a near-stranger in the house it is not possible. I cannot fathom what it would be like to have an in-law permanently living in my house, with no end in sight. My husband did the best he could while his dad was visiting. Your husband doesn't seem to be very helpful in your situation. I agree that your MIL should be hosted by some of the other siblings - even a couple of weeks would give you a mental break. You cannot be expected to be a cheery happy hostess 24-7-365 for the rest of MIL's life. That is completely unfair.
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:31 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,913,792 times
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Perhaps the family needs to move Mom to Assisted Living, where she can find a friend or two, and have activities to choose to do or not do. I also think she needs some sort of rehab, if she has trouble moving around in her walker.

What I am hearing is that Mom needs social activity, but OP needs quiet and privacy.

I suspect family wants their mother’s estate after her death, and they are trying to preserve it. IMO they need to place her.

OP, you can insist they make a change. INSIST. Get away for a week or two if you can to make your point. Or leave for a long weekend, and let your spouse deal solely with his mother. Do whatever you can to make your point.
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,074 posts, read 11,686,373 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork View Post
I feel like such a horrible person. My 92 year old mother in law has been living with me for about a year. She has health issues but is able to take care of most of her needs herself.

I don't have to dress her or help her with medications. She also makes her own simple meals except for dinner. (I do all the shopping and dishes, of course.) I could do more to help her because things are hard for her to do, but I want her to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible.

Compared to many people on this forum, I have it good. The problem is that I am a quiet and private person, and I'm just absolutely sick of having to make small talk with her and to see her sitting in my house all day long. (She does nap for a couple hours in the afternoon, but the rest of the time is spent in my kitchen sitting at the table.) The sound of her voice literally makes me anxious.

She had some major health issues a year ago (that have since calmed down), and my husband felt she could no longer live alone. I told him I thought it was a terrible idea that she move in, but my husband was very persistent. He is essentially a good guy and wants to help his mother. He thought I would get used to having her here with us. I became depressed before she moved in, and I'm more so now.

The MIL does not have any friends, and she won't leave the house except to go to appointments and out to eat with us. Because of my own health issues, I am unable to work outside the house so there is little reprieve from her.

We had issues with things she said to me early on (no filter...just blurted out unkind things to me), but we had a discussion and that stopped. I can't really complain about her except for the lack of privacy in my home and the sight of her and sound of her voice grates on me. I hate how I have to go into my bedroom to get away from her. I don't like seeing her all day long. I wait as long as possible to go out into the kitchen every morning because I know she will be sitting there.

I want my heart to change and for me not to have such resentful feelings toward her. Bottom line is I just want to live in my home with my husband and my children without another person here all the time.

I don't want to pay for assisted living for her now because there is limited funds that may be needed down the road as she loses more independence. She has other children out of state, but she says they are annoying and she loves having a large, beautiful bedroom in my house.

I want her to go live with the other children for several months and have us all take turns. The problem is that I live in Florida and the other children are in Nevada and she does not want to go. She likes living in my house and does not want to live with the other children.

Again, I feel horrible for complaining because things could be worse. I have been to a counselor who feels MIL should go live with the other children. But...MIL does not want to go and my husband thinks I should just adjust to having her here. I am trying, but it is not working. This woman could live for another 5 years or more, and the thought of having to make small talk with her and interact with her all day long is over-whelming. I know it sounds like I have some emotional issues. I really don't think I do. It's just that I liked my quiet home and calm life before all this started, and I feel selfish that I am reacting so badly toward the situation. Can anyone relate to this?

Haven't had the experience but can fully understand, being a loner needing much private time. Was her moving in thoroughly discussed between you and husband??

I did not read the entire thread, just commiserate with you. I wish the other children would step up and help relieve some of the tediousness of having her nonstop. I'd have left my husband if he'd had his mother move in....it would have been that horrible for me.

Daytime activity center for her throughout the week? Assisted living best choice no matter what....later if needed all sibs can chip in if she deteriorates and needs more care.

You only have one life. Don't let others decide it for you.

Last edited by greatblueheron; 03-27-2019 at 10:58 AM..
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:49 AM
 
1,334 posts, read 1,655,928 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
Can your teens give you some relief? Take grandma out for dinner or shopping or something a few times a week?
No. The one who should be stepping up is her HUSBAND. This is HIS mother. If OP's mother were living with them, would HE be the primary caregiver for her?

This seems to be the classic "woman gets stuck with all the caregiving activities" traditional way of doing things, no matter how willing or able she is able to do it.

The husband needs to respect his wife, who has already put in more effort than he has, and make arrangements so that his mother at least isn't around all the time.
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