Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This. Maybe the parents weren't great parents. Maybe they were okay, but other issues prevented it from being a healthy functional family. Maybe whatever else. And, then there are financial issues of the couple, marriage issues between partners and any other host of issues plus now an in law is living w/ them! Whoa. Not many marriages can take that.
Where I work, they are wealthy elders. Some children are involved, some minimally involved and some have not much family left or close by. They come once/twice a year. They might call more than they come. Different reasons. I don't judge. No one knows each situation. Taking care of a dementia patient is...well there are no words till you've done it. Or, someone w/ physical challenges. Burnout is a real thing and physically the care giver can get worse than the "patient." So, should one person give over their life, physical and emotional health, to another? It's a difficult situation for sure.
Even without dementia. My mom stayed with me for 10 days after a nursing home rehab stay before I could get her into an ALF, and she was just horrible to me. She is hyper critical, nothing I do is right. I give her the sub sandwich she wanted and she'd scream "Where is my fork!!!". How would I know she wants a fork with a sub? Who eats a sub with a fork? But I don't say this, I say "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot". She responds yelling "You're just as bad as the people at the home!!".
It wouldn't have been good for either of us long term.
I work in nursing homes too, and the sweet old people you see were not always sweet people or people who were good to the spouses or kids. Just like real life, some of them were cheaters, some just jerks, some abusive. You can't judge a situation without knowing it.
I'm glad for you. Some times things can seem so hopeless when we're in the middle of them and can't find a way out or option. I'm glad we all could be of help.
Thank you very much. This group is amazing. You have all been immensely helpful.
I understand completely; I'm an introvert and just having someone else in the house is sometimes upsetting to me; all the more so if conversation is forced.
Lots of good advice here, especially the ones about a senior center daycare situation for her (at least she'd have something real to talk about when she got home) and insisting that she visit the other relatives. You shouldn't be the one taking this all on yourself, your health will suffer accordingly and you'll be no good to anyone.
Live your own life first, she had hers (sorry, that sounds mean, but it's true).
Also, I want to point something else out to the "They took care of you, now it's your turn to take care of them" crowd:
Lots of people felt that way when they were younger - and possibly more naive, or with just less time and experience and LIFE under their belts. It's a pithy saying, right up there with "Promise me you will never put me away!" When you're in a different spot in your life, sometimes it's more than we can do to honor promises made when we didn't really know what we were going on about.
I've also learned that as I've matured, I've changed my mind about a lot of things - including but not limited to divorce and remarriage, or divorce in general, religion, politics, abuse, mental health issues, just to name a few hot topics that I've re-evaluated from different perspectives as time and life has happened.
You know what I didn't expect? I didn't expect my husband and me to BOTH lose BOTH our parents within a couple of years. I didn't expect both our mothers to have dementia. I didn't expect both our fathers to drop dead and leave us to pick up the pieces. I didn't expect to be battling my own health issues right in the middle of all this. I didn't expect my mentally ill brother to go on a rampage and make the national news and be committed. I didn't expect one of my five adult children to bolt for the hills and to become estranged from her entire family, including me, taking her four, my four, beautiful little ones with her. I didn't expect all this loss and sorrow and pain, in such a few short years. But it happened.
And yesterday my precious husband looked at me and hugged me and said, "You know what I want? I want us to be happy - to do some things that make us smile together, to focus on our own good times, our own fun, our own lives for awhile." Me too.
There's a lot of guilt associated with caregiving and the emotions it can invoke. No matter what we do, the elderly loved ones DIE. They get sicker, they get more dementia, they fall, they fail to thrive, and eventually they die no matter what we do. Meanwhile, they're scared, we're scared, they're frustrated, we're frustrated - it's extremely difficult for everyone. It's not some sweet little scenario where we come in from working in the yard and our precious mother is waiting in the kitchen with a hot meal for us every day, and occasionally we take her to the doctor or to get a pedicure and we let her stay in the guestroom and she has a full life and keeps busy, knitting afghans when she's not playing bridge with the girls, and everyone has plenty of money. No, it's not like that at all most of the time. It may even start out like that occasionally but it doesn't stay that way for long.
So it's really frustrating when occasionally someone comes along and says, "I would NEVER put my mother in a nursing home," or "It's so sad that so many people will just leave their elderly parents alone to die in a nursing home." Stop. You don't know what you would do in different circumstances. You think you know what you would do, but every single situation is different. Would you put your mother in a memory care center if she was wandering out into the freezing night alone? What about if she didn't know who you were? What about if she was incontinent? Heck what if she was taking her diaper off and smearing poop all over the walls? Where's your breaking point? What would it take? What if she had been abusive all your life? Or a drunk? Or a drug addict? What if she had gambled all her money away and now wanted to crash at your place? What if she yelled at your kids for no good reason? What if she refused to eat and began dwindling down to nothing? What if your dad had left you and your mom 50 years ago and now he expects you to cater to him? What if he had sexually abused your first cousin back in the day? What if he was just a jerk - always had been and still was? See what I mean?
OP here. Thank you all so much for your very thoughtful comments. They are appreciated.
I am not a meek, submissive person who does not have a voice. I have been trying to do the "right thing" for a year. I was truly hoping I would adapt to having her here. But it's not working.
My husband is generally not a my way or the highway kind of man. He is kind, loving and sensitive in most scenarios. I truly believe he is trying to balance being a good son with being a good husband.
I do know that he does not want to see his mother put into an assisted living until her physical abilities prevent her from doing her activities of daily living independently. He knows that his mother likes living with us in Florida, and he knows she does not particularly like being around her other children, his siblings. He also has a wife (me) who is an introvert and who has become depressed because her solitude is compromised. I do understand the position I am putting him in. I am sensitive to the notion that he is a kind human being who just wants everyone to be able to live together in peace. I never wanted him to be in the position having to choose his mom or me.
With that said, I took the advice of many here and told my husband (again!) that this scenario isn't working for me. I certainly don't mind sharing the load with the other siblings, but my house can not be a forever, until she dies, solution. He spoke to the siblings and then to his mother. She will be going to Nevada at the end of May! For right now, the plan is to have her return sometime during the beginning of September. That will give me three months. I can live with that plan for now.
As an aside, she was not happy about having to go. She knows that I am the driving force behind all this, so it has been a little frosty here. That makes me sad, but I know this is best for my well-being.
Even without dementia. My mom stayed with me for 10 days after a nursing home rehab stay before I could get her into an ALF, and she was just horrible to me. She is hyper critical, nothing I do is right. I give her the sub sandwich she wanted and she'd scream "Where is my fork!!!". How would I know she wants a fork with a sub? Who eats a sub with a fork? But I don't say this, I say "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot". She responds yelling "You're just as bad as the people at the home!!".
It wouldn't have been good for either of us long term.
I work in nursing homes too, and the sweet old people you see were not always sweet people or people who were good to the spouses or kids. Just like real life, some of them were cheaters, some just jerks, some abusive. You can't judge a situation without knowing it.
I understand. I can do it professionally, but personally it's another story. Right, just because they look like "sweet older people" doesn't mean they were years back or even now. I had a recent incident of an elder verbally attacking me because her refill wasn't in. She went ballistic. I stayed calm while she was going off. It was a narcotic and I think she was having withdrawal on top of her personality problems.
KA, I think you should save that response and cut and paste every single time someone says "I would never put a loved one away to die". It was perfect.
Also, I want to point something else out to the "They took care of you, now it's your turn to take care of them" crowd:
Lots of people felt that way when they were younger - and possibly more naive, or with just less time and experience and LIFE under their belts. It's a pithy saying, right up there with "Promise me you will never put me away!" When you're in a different spot in your life, sometimes it's more than we can do to honor promises made when we didn't really know what we were going on about.
I've also learned that as I've matured, I've changed my mind about a lot of things - including but not limited to divorce and remarriage, or divorce in general, religion, politics, abuse, mental health issues, just to name a few hot topics that I've re-evaluated from different perspectives as time and life has happened.
You know what I didn't expect? I didn't expect my husband and me to BOTH lose BOTH our parents within a couple of years. I didn't expect both our mothers to have dementia. I didn't expect both our fathers to drop dead and leave us to pick up the pieces. I didn't expect to be battling my own health issues right in the middle of all this. I didn't expect my mentally ill brother to go on a rampage and make the national news and be committed. I didn't expect one of my five adult children to bolt for the hills and to become estranged from her entire family, including me, taking her four, my four, beautiful little ones with her. I didn't expect all this loss and sorrow and pain, in such a few short years. But it happened.
And yesterday my precious husband looked at me and hugged me and said, "You know what I want? I want us to be happy - to do some things that make us smile together, to focus on our own good times, our own fun, our own lives for awhile." Me too.
There's a lot of guilt associated with caregiving and the emotions it can invoke. No matter what we do, the elderly loved ones DIE. They get sicker, they get more dementia, they fall, they fail to thrive, and eventually they die no matter what we do. Meanwhile, they're scared, we're scared, they're frustrated, we're frustrated - it's extremely difficult for everyone. It's not some sweet little scenario where we come in from working in the yard and our precious mother is waiting in the kitchen with a hot meal for us every day, and occasionally we take her to the doctor or to get a pedicure and we let her stay in the guestroom and she has a full life and keeps busy, knitting afghans when she's not playing bridge with the girls, and everyone has plenty of money. No, it's not like that at all most of the time. It may even start out like that occasionally but it doesn't stay that way for long.
So it's really frustrating when occasionally someone comes along and says, "I would NEVER put my mother in a nursing home," or "It's so sad that so many people will just leave their elderly parents alone to die in a nursing home." Stop. You don't know what you would do in different circumstances. You think you know what you would do, but every single situation is different. Would you put your mother in a memory care center if she was wandering out into the freezing night alone? What about if she didn't know who you were? What about if she was incontinent? Heck what if she was taking her diaper off and smearing poop all over the walls? Where's your breaking point? What would it take? What if she had been abusive all your life? Or a drunk? Or a drug addict? What if she had gambled all her money away and now wanted to crash at your place? What if she yelled at your kids for no good reason? What if she refused to eat and began dwindling down to nothing? What if your dad had left you and your mom 50 years ago and now he expects you to cater to him? What if he had sexually abused your first cousin back in the day? What if he was just a jerk - always had been and still was? See what I mean?
Sheeze.
(((hugs))) That is A LOT for anyone to go through; especially within a short period of time.
I am not for or against nursing home care. It depends on the situation and the people involved in determining the right course of action.
My MIL chose to go into a nursing home after suffering a massive stroke which left her partially paralyzed. She did not want to move (to live with us) nor did she want us involved in her personal care (toileting/bathing/etc). She was a very proud and independent woman. I respected her decision.
OP, your husband should insist that your MIL share time with his siblings.
KA, I think you should save that response and cut and paste every single time someone says "I would never put a loved one away to die". It was perfect.
Yes, it was. There are so many, many situations...and I will add my own; what if you have watched not one but two of your most beloved family members agree to be caregivers, then undergo complete physical, mental and emotional breakdowns from the strain. Then they both died early from apparently stress-related diseases, leaving their spouses and children devastated. Would you be a little bit reluctant to take on the same task, especially knowing that professionals are far better equipped to care for old, infirm, difficult old people than you are?
I agree, make it six months. But you can cross that bridge when you get to it - I mean, after she leaves. SHORTLY after she leaves.
That may be tricky but honestly - she's been at your house for a year, time for other siblings to step up.
This. Especially since there is no will to place her in an ALF.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Right, just because they look like "sweet older people" doesn't mean they were years back or even now. I had a recent incident of an elder verbally attacking me because her refill wasn't in. She went ballistic. I stayed calm while she was going off. It was a narcotic and I think she was having withdrawal on top of her personality problems.
