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Old 03-27-2019, 10:52 AM
 
11,523 posts, read 14,561,718 times
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Maybe she could rotate homes like 6 months at your place and 6 months elsewhere. It's not right that a Daughter In Law have this on her. I'd be furious! You are not a horrible person by any stretch.
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:56 AM
 
1,012 posts, read 712,939 times
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I completely get how you feel. I like my privacy even around family. This situation is stressful.

Honestly at 92 most people don’t get out much and travel would be very difficult. My mom was sharp and very mobile up to the last 3 months of life and she was 92. So I can picture how hard it would be to find some separation for you two.

Can you contact a local senior agency for ideas? Some provide activities with pickup transportation to provide respite. Can your husband take full responsibility on weekends to give you a break? Finally,you could check with your doctor about whether an antidepressant is appropriate.

You’re not a terrible person. Your feelings sound totally normal to me. Good luck.
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Old 03-27-2019, 11:17 AM
 
8,196 posts, read 2,809,272 times
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And yes, MIL can be out of her "comfort zone" sometimes too. She may not like it, but she benefits in the long run by not having to be placed in a home.

IMO our elderly are to be cherished, but there ways around them being a burden. Feeling burdened make some people feel guilty even though they shouldn't feel guilty. That's normal to feel burdened some days when it is an ongoing lifestyle.

Everyone needs breaks from their daily obligations. You can retreat to your sanctuary room at night and leave hubby with her. He will only leave as much for you to do as you are willing to allow him.

Then again, OP may not want to do this caretaking at all which is up to her to make hubby understand and oblige or else.....
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Old 03-27-2019, 11:23 AM
 
2,606 posts, read 2,683,036 times
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This thread is so real, the feeling and issues OP facing with. You are not bad and I believe most people worry about this. Coming from an eastern culture where parents live with kids and adult kids live with parents (basically no one moves out, you just age in place where everyone is unhappy) and growing up in western culture where happiness matters more than anything.... its tough. This hit home for me because in next decade I will have aging inlaws and parents & how will we manage.
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Old 03-27-2019, 12:11 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,947,864 times
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There have been many great suggestions for you. I especially like the one where your husband (her son) takes full responsibility each and every weekend, plus longer at night for his mother.

Perhaps even go away and spend a few weekends visiting old friends or traveling to a new city on a vacation. I would not be surprised but a few weekends alone with his mother (unless he locks himself in the bedroom all weekend) would definitely change his attitude. If you can't go away, perhaps just going to a coffee shop or a library and read for several hours in private a few days per week to recharge your batteries.

Good luck.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-27-2019 at 12:31 PM..
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Old 03-27-2019, 12:39 PM
 
37,407 posts, read 45,595,277 times
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I vote for vacations for YOU.

You are not a bad person...believe me. There is no way I could stand living with my mother, so I think you are amazing for doing this. When the time comes for my mom...she’ll have to move into a home. Either that or one of my sibs will have to take her ( and that’ll never happen either.)
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Old 03-27-2019, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,240 posts, read 12,804,790 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cyork View Post
Again, I feel horrible for complaining because things could be worse. I have been to a counselor who feels MIL should go live with the other children. But...MIL does not want to go and my husband thinks I should just adjust to having her here. I am trying, but it is not working. This woman could live for another 5 years or more, and the thought of having to make small talk with her and interact with her all day long is over-whelming. I know it sounds like I have some emotional issues. I really don't think I do. It's just that I liked my quiet home and calm life before all this started, and I feel selfish that I am reacting so badly toward the situation. Can anyone relate to this?
Oh yeah, big time. But I only had an interloper in my house for four months. That you've lasted a year is admirable.

You are not horrible for complaining. You're entitled to feel the way you feel. I'm distressed that your husband is blowing you off, though. He really needs to step up to the plate and listen to you.

For a long time, my husband was using me as a buffer between his mother and his own precious self. Is this what yours is doing? Likes having Mom there as long as he doesn't have to be around her much and doesn't think about how that might affect YOU?
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Old 03-27-2019, 01:14 PM
 
50,083 posts, read 35,727,051 times
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I understand totally. I have always been a person to need some solitude at home, it’s how I decompress. It works out well with my fiancé as he is much more social than I and spends time at 2 clubs he belongs to, giving me my alone time. I’m sure your husband knows your nature, but does he understand and try to accommodate it? IMO he should make a concerted effort to get your mom out of the house to give you time to yourself. Is there any room you can make a personal space for yourself in?

Aldo don’t feel something is wrong with you for needing more solitude than others. Some in my family make me feel guilty for my lack of sociability all the time, but I’d lose my mind without time for just me at home.

Last edited by ocnjgirl; 03-27-2019 at 01:55 PM..
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:03 PM
 
5,401 posts, read 6,463,584 times
Reputation: 12016
If MIL has resources, I think your husband should ask her to pay for either housekeeping help or companion/aide to give you a break. OR she should use her resources to live in an assisted living situation.

Plus I still say you need leave for vacation/break. Let your husband figure it out. You are important, too.
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Rust Belt, OH
723 posts, read 563,932 times
Reputation: 3526
My 90-year old aunt came to visit me for three days last summer, and I couldn't wait to see her back on that plane. I love her dearly, but she drove me nuts.

Reading posts like all of these makes me glad I'm divorced and my parents have been deceased since I was 15.

Only half joking.
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