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Teleconference perhaps? Our attorney did one and so did our financial planner because my brothers live out of state and we just couldn't all get together in one place. It was easy and informative.
My point is that you need your legal ducks in a row and need to know whether people can and will do what others expect them to do. One thing, for instance, that no one will do, is sit down together and come up with a plan in person. So a teleconference might work.
And for instance, your sibling or siblings or their spouses may be expecting you to line up another caregiver since you live close by. You don't want to do that again, and if everyone knows that's your stance, they can adjust accordingly.
It kills me how hard so many people work to keep elderly people "independent." At some point, when people all over the place are working so hard to uphold this illusion, someone has to just say it - "This isn't independent living anymore. Nor is that a realistic scenario." I'm not fussing at you personally, but just venting about the whole scenario involving aging parents in general.
What sort of legal advice has anyone obtained? What state are you and your parents in?
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 04-22-2019 at 06:20 PM..
Teleconference perhaps? Our attorney did one and so did our financial planner because my brothers live out of state and we just couldn't all get together in one place. It was easy and informative.
My point is that you need your legal ducks in a row and need to know whether people can and will do what others expect them to do. One thing, for instance, that no one will do, is sit down together and come up with a plan in person. So a teleconference might work.
And for instance, your sibling or siblings or their spouses may be expecting you to line up another caregiver since you live close by. You don't want to do that again, and if everyone knows that's your stance, they can adjust accordingly.
It kills me how hard so many people work to keep elderly people "independent." At some point, when people all over the place are working so hard to uphold this illusion, someone has to just say it - "This isn't independent living anymore. Nor is that a realistic scenario." I'm not fussing at you personally, but just venting about the whole scenario involving aging parents in general.
What sort of legal advice has anyone obtained?
This! At some point, it's totally just an illusion.
"We already have POA - all three of us."
in our state ONLY ONE individual person is the POA.
there can be TWO health-care POA's.
My sister in law had a medical POA and her brother had the financial POA for their dad. No one had a general, durable POA, which is the best by far if the parent will go along with it (you don't even need a medical or financial POA if you have an all encompassing one). My husband and his brother were the POA backup (my husband, the younger brother) and the main gneral, durable POA (his brother).
OP, what sort of POAs do you and your siblings have? Do you have a POA that requires that all "members" (Powers of Attorney) be in agreement? In other words, is it a joint POA or one with a main POA named and "backup" POAs?
This! At some point, it's totally just an illusion.
Right - and people make promises that become very difficult to keep, especially if funds are limited and people don't want to liquidate their OWN retirement funds to try to keep elderly parents "independently" at home. I am a big believer in not robbing Peter to pay Paul. If we liquidate our own retirement funds, then we are hoping that someone else can and will do the same for us. It's really, really not fair.
It's also not fair or right to expect people to sacrifice years and years of their lives trying to "keep someone at home independently." I mean, come on, a few months maybe, get someone through a rough spot, but years and years? Many people trying to care for elderly parents are either raising teens, or paying for college, working hard trying to save for retirement themselves, or college for kids (or both) or they are already retired themselves and no spring chickens. And they are often not physically able to lift and bathe and dress and change another adult.
My inlaws were determined to stay in their own home. It soon became evident that it was going to cost as much or more to keep them at home - and they'd be less safe, more isolated, etc. - than it would cost for them to move to assisted living. They STILL fought it tooth and nail. Their house became a pig sty! They did nothing but close the blinds, sit in squalid darkness, and watch NASCAR all day. They'd drive (OMG) to get fast food, and the containers and trash were all over the living room and kitchen. They were depressed, isolated, etc. and this was with my husband and I driving (an hour ONE WAY, so driving two hours a day every time we went) to see them, help them, etc several times a week. It was insane, and it was eating our lives up, and I swear, they were too old and sick and depressed to see it. Old age and sickness didn't bring out the best in them - it rarely does for anyone.
I didn't ever promise my mom or dad that they could stay in their own home or move in with me. Even so, my mom kept making this assumption that she could just move in with me, or with my aunts, or stay in her own home, etc. She was very unhappy in assisted living, and then memory care, but I'm sorry - that was too bad. She was not able to live in her own home safely, and she was WAYYYYY too difficult for my aunts or me, or anyone really, to move her in with them. By the time she passed away, it took a team of people to keep her fed, bathed, changed, cleaned up, etc. It would have absolutely killed any one person at a time to do so.
At some point, it becomes very unsafe for many elderly people to live "independently." It can also become a huge burden to their loved ones. It's sad. HAVE THE TALK (or multiple talks) with them, and with your siblings before things reach this stage.
What sort of POAs do you and your siblings have? Are they joint or are they a POA with backups listed? Do you all have to agree? Are they general, medical, financial, what? Who makes what decisions and how?
Teleconference perhaps? Our attorney did one and so did our financial planner because my brothers live out of state and we just couldn't all get together in one place. It was easy and informative.
My point is that you need your legal ducks in a row and need to know whether people can and will do what others expect them to do. One thing, for instance, that no one will do, is sit down together and come up with a plan in person. So a teleconference might work.
And for instance, your sibling or siblings or their spouses may be expecting you to line up another caregiver since you live close by. You don't want to do that again, and if everyone knows that's your stance, they can adjust accordingly.
It kills me how hard so many people work to keep elderly people "independent." At some point, when people all over the place are working so hard to uphold this illusion, someone has to just say it - "This isn't independent living anymore. Nor is that a realistic scenario." I'm not fussing at you personally, but just venting about the whole scenario involving aging parents in general.
What sort of legal advice has anyone obtained? What state are you and your parents in?
Not sure why you think anyone is “working so hard “ to keep them independent. This is THEIR WISH. I would have had them sell the house and move into a care place somewhere...but we researched that too...and they could not afford it, even if they had agreed to it. My parents have made it very clear they do not wish to leave their home. They do have a caregiver currently...2 days a week.
What sort of POAs do you and your siblings have? Are they joint or are they a POA with backups listed? Do you all have to agree? Are they general, medical, financial, what? Who makes what decisions and how?
We all have POA. I don’t know the other details you are asking.
Not sure why you think anyone is “working so hard “ to keep them independent. This is THEIR WISH. I would have had them sell the house and move into a care place somewhere...but we researched that too...and they could not afford it, even if they had agreed to it. My parents have made it very clear they do not wish to leave their home. They do have a caregiver currently...2 days a week.
I did state clearly in that post that I wasn't addressing you in particular, but venting about a common scenario in general when I stated that so often people find themselves working very hard to keep elderly parents living under an illusion of "living independently."
Here's what I said:
Quote:
It kills me how hard so many people work to keep elderly people "independent." At some point, when people all over the place are working so hard to uphold this illusion, someone has to just say it - "This isn't independent living anymore. Nor is that a realistic scenario." I'm not fussing at you personally, but just venting about the whole scenario involving aging parents in general.
Clearly that doesn't seem to be the case with your parents. I realize that in spite of they myriad of health issues your parents have, your main concern stated in the OP seems how to stop your elderly father from getting scammed by "male enhancement" providers. You make it very clear that your 88 year old mother and 92 year old father do all their own driving, financial stuff, etc.
Like I said, I wasn't specifically targeting you when I made that statement about people working hard - I thought that was clear but I guess it wasn't.
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