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For about 5 years or so, my wife has been in a lot of pain with back and hip problems, heart problems, and Addison's Disease (adrenal glands don't work). She can't walk or stand more than 5 or 10 minutes without being in a lot of pain. All this time I've been doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. And I don't mind doing it with her hurting. It's like I've told her about "something else" we haven't been able to do in the bedroom all this time. She can't sleep in the bedroom because it's upstairs and she can't handle more than 4 or 5 steps. And I can't sleep good in a recliner or the blow up mattress I put in the den floor next to her recliner she sleeps in for a while There's a big difference between "can't" do it and "won't do it". If all this was because she didn't want to do it I don't think I would have stayed. But I'm also her shoulder to cry on when she gets depressed because of all the things she wants to do but can't for all the pain. I've sat and talked and listened to her every time she's depressed about it. Like I keep telling her, I promised "in sickness and in health".
Tonight my DIL stopped by and I walked her out to her car talking about my wife. We talked for almost 45 minutes. It was the first time I'VE had somebody to talk to about all this! Just getting it all off my chest made me feel so at ease. I talked, I cried, talked some more, cried some more, and also a little laughter. But I know what I should have realized all the time. There IS somebody I can talk to just to talk. I wish I had done it sooner. Wife knows what we were talking about and is glad I finally got it all out.
Thanks for letting me rant a while. I'll hush now.
Find a caregiver support group, or one of the online forums. It also couldn't hurt for you to see a counselor yourself. Other people are doing this, and can commiserate and give ideas and support.
How about putting in one of those chairs to ride up the stairs? Or, moving to a one story house?
We live in a 100+ year old house. When my parents lived here my dad said he thought he saw "Noah was here" on some of the original wiring we're still using. That, plus narrow stairs, would make it kind of hard. We've thought about it. And we don't have the $25K+ it would take to rewire it right now. The budget is another reason we're staying in this house.
Find a caregiver support group, or one of the online forums. It also couldn't hurt for you to see a counselor yourself. Other people are doing this, and can commiserate and give ideas and support.
Thought about this too. Didn't realize how I felt till DIL and I started talking tonight and it all seemed to just seemed to pour out.
My husband is in the same boat as you are, OP. Although I had a lot of physical issues when we met, I was working and could walk and do normal every day things. Then I got worse, a lot worse. Now he takes care of me. I can at least get up and down a couple of steps (with help) and cook, for the most part he does everything, as well as listening to me when I grieve over all of the abilities I have lost.
He never complains, and rarely loses his patience with me. I feel like he got the bad end of the deal, that he didn't sign up for this. But, like you, he believes "in sickness and in health". He doesn't have anyone to talk to either, and I wish he did. So instead, he tells people he meets (or my doctors, nurses, whoever will listen) all about his past, being in the military, etc., to the point where he is keeping them from doing their job, but they are too polite not to listen.
He doesn't have any friends, really, just neighbors and folks at church. I know it is hard on him, being stuck with me all the time, and it makes me feel bad. I am glad you were able to finally talk about your feelings to someone, and that it helped you to feel better. Being a caregiver is a tough row to hoe no matter who you are, and you deserve a lot of credit for what you do.
Is there someone else who can provide respite care occasionally?
Fluffy, I don't have to stay with her 24/7. She can do a few things. She takes the dogs out. Our older dog kind of trained herself to go out unleased and never leave the yard. Our year old dog has learned to stand still inside the door while she puts the leash on him;
I still get out. When I go to the store or run an errand, I have a little "fresh air route" I take around town just to be out for a little while. She fusses at me if I don't go fishing at the lake about 30 miles away occasionally.
My husband is in the same boat as you are, OP. Although I had a lot of physical issues when we met, I was working and could walk and do normal every day things. Then I got worse, a lot worse. Now he takes care of me. I can at least get up and down a couple of steps (with help) and cook, for the most part he does everything, as well as listening to me when I grieve over all of the abilities I have lost.
He never complains, and rarely loses his patience with me. I feel like he got the bad end of the deal, that he didn't sign up for this. But, like you, he believes "in sickness and in health". He doesn't have anyone to talk to either, and I wish he did. So instead, he tells people he meets (or my doctors, nurses, whoever will listen) all about his past, being in the military, etc., to the point where he is keeping them from doing their job, but they are too polite not to listen.
He doesn't have any friends, really, just neighbors and folks at church. I know it is hard on him, being stuck with me all the time, and it makes me feel bad. I am glad you were able to finally talk about your feelings to someone, and that it helped you to feel better. Being a caregiver is a tough row to hoe no matter who you are, and you deserve a lot of credit for what you do.
Sounds like your husband needs to make some friends. Is there a group he could join like the American Legion since he was in the military? My husband enjoys their meetings and the people he meets. Or some local civic organization? Could he volunteer at something? That's a great way to meet people. Is there a local 'food pantry' where he could volunteer? A hospital that's looking for volunteers? What does he like to do? My husband has a bird watching group and a walking/hiking group. Perhaps he would enjoy something like that? What about a political group? He could work on a campaign and have lots of folks to talk to. Look for activities he might like to do with like minded people and encourage him to do them.
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