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My MIL is 92 and in a nursing home that she hates. My husband tried to talk her into finding a place she would like to be in, but she was stubborn and insisted on staying in her home. One of her grand sons was there to help but he shouldn't have to change diapers. She fell and broke her hip and is in a wheel chair now. My husbands brother has power of attorney and he chose a nursing home that wasn't as expensive as the one his MIL is in. She had very little money and qualified for the nice place. My MIL had just a bit too much money and didn't qualify. She might have enough money to last about two or three years. If she's anything like her mother, who fell, broke a hip, and lived until 96, she will be totally broke and maybe if she's still alive, can live in the nice place. It's very sad visiting her in the nursing home. She begs us to get her out of there. She's never been one of my favorite people, but I hate seeing her like that. Cattle in a holding pen waiting to die.
End of life issues are tricky and there's nothing you can do about it if someone is in control of their own finances. My MIL was tricked into going to the nursing home, and she is told that she can't go home until she can walk. Which of course will never happen. There just comes a point where you simply have no options if you don't plan right.
I’m so afraid of the guilt. Guilt infliction has been a well honed skill on his/their side.
Accept there will be guilt.
We have all felt it - regardless of our previous relationship with our parent. I had a difficult relationship with my mom, who heavily favored my sister and devalued me. I felt guilt. My sister, her favorite child, felt even more guilt.
We all feel guilty because we can't fix this situation. We can't stop them from dying.
There are a number of "independent living" complexes that have what they call "short term stays" available. These are useful for a number of situations: 1) taking the patient in, thereby giving the caregiver a rest - for a week, or longer, or 2) renting out to a prospective patient so he can see if he likes that lifestyle (or even for a few weeks or months each year). Something like that might ease the way into that lifestyle and show the prospective tenant that it's not all bad.
My ex wife's father (now passed) fought her and her brother tooth and nail about going into assisted living, even though he was in his 90's and could not take care of himself any longer. He still wanted to drive and live in his own home, even though he kept running into things with the car.
They finally got him there, and she talked with him every night (he was in another State) and all he did was complain and try to make her feel guilty for putting him in there. It really was hard on her, even though it was the best thing for him, she still felt bad about having to do it.
We worked on our mother for a long time. But finally she was told by a doc that she could no longer live by herself. Within a day she was also told by another doc, that she should no longer drive.
Getting her to consider a move was a process. She imagined she could do independent living but she simply did not understand her limitations.
At some point, you have to insist. Scope out a couple of nice ALFs, and take her for a tour. Proceed over her objections.
Or if you are providing constant support by shopping for her, doing yard work, cleaning, etc., do what one poster here did, Just stop. She needs to understand that she is not self sufficient, and that she cannot live safely by herself.
But please do get POA for her, so you can pay her bills and get her taxes paid.
I’m so afraid of the guilt. Guilt infliction has been a well honed skill on his/their side.
Try to think of it as 'sadness about the realities' instead of guilt. You are guilty of nothing. Aging always has and always will involve loss for all involved and there is nothing any of us can do about this inevitability.
If they fall or become incapacitated and they have to spend their last days in the hospital, would you feel guilt then?
It is time for you to become the parent. And I know this is hard. But, you cannot keep propping them up in the life they wish they could still live.
I think seeing a therapist or counselor to find out how to think about this, and what to do with the guilt feelings, would help you. But, yeah, you have to insist they make changes. At this stage in their lives, they need to be in a protected environment.
Do you have POA?
Have they paid their state and local taxes?
Are they driving?
Do they have grab bars in their bathrooms, and night lights for nighttime visits to the bathroom?
Are they living on one floor?
Your parents likely think of themselves as independent, but in reality they need you to help them, and they are falling and needing hospitalization. They probably are not eating properly either.
If you the only child, it is up to you. At least you don't have to wrangle with siblings about what to do.
Yes, I think this will be a tough love sort of situation as well.
This generation (the Greatest) is from a time when extended family stayed close by and someone was always available to help or just visit. He’s not aware of the demands of current careers - the long hours and tech supported 24/7 availability. Now I’m veering off into grousing so I’ll stop here.
But if there's only 1 adult child, how can "someone always be available to help?" It doesn't sound like there's a sister, brother, cousin, or anyone else to provide this close-by in-home assistance that is envisioned.
I recall a post a couple of weeks ago where a guy described how they were able to keep their parent at home because of sharing the duties among a large extended family who all lived fairly close by and rotated "duty" time. That's a totally different ball game when it can be split up. Like you, I am the "only one" and it is a problem on many levels.
Quote:
Originally Posted by joni78
I’m so afraid of the guilt. Guilt infliction has been a well honed skill on his/their side.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal
Accept there will be guilt.
We have all felt it - regardless of our previous relationship with our parent. I had a difficult relationship with my mom, who heavily favored my sister and devalued me. I felt guilt. My sister, her favorite child, felt even more guilt.
We all feel guilty because we can't fix this situation. We can't stop them from dying.
This. And also, you will probably feel guilty even if he is at home, because you aren't there enough. It's never enough. My father is living "the dream" of being "independent at home" and yet is lonely and I know he wishes I would see him more. It pains me when I have to turn down an invitation from him because of something else I have to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint
Try to think of it as 'sadness about the realities' instead of guilt. You are guilty of nothing. Aging always has and always will involve loss for all involved and there is nothing any of us can do about this inevitability.
I love this.
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