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Both POAs secured. We've chased all of the accounts, and none of them are active, so he has a grand total of $14,900 to his name.
Dementia diagnosis secured; we found out that the VA doctor had begun evaluating his symptoms 2 years ago, so seeing the deterioration was clear. While it would be nice to have him undergo all the neuropsych testing that Germaine described, the doctor doesn't think he has the stamina to endure it, so that's out.
FIL will move to the memory care unit today. Since that's a "shared suite," I'm sure that'll go over like a lead balloon. The good news is that he's been making new friends -- and his new friends tell him that with a simple phone call he can "jailbreak" his ex-significant other from the ALF memory care facility she's in. Riiiiiight. Thank goodness he doesn't know where she is!
This is not a happy ending for any of us. It utterly infuriates me that he, my parents, and others in their generation who I know personally DID NOT PLAN for how their end-of-life time would play out. Nobody wants to end up in a facility, but very few of us will enjoy dropping dead out of the blue and getting to avoid that whole scenario. In my case, my parents just assumed that their kids would step in and help, regardless of what that entailed or what burden that put on us. Even when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, they only ever planned the funeral part of it. That was a blessing, of course, as it was one less thing my brother and I were saddled with, but still. There was no money to hire help, and Medicare didn't cover it. Hospice was supposed to be the help at the end, but that ended up being a joke.
We have to sit down with FIL and get his funeral planned and paid for before the money runs out in 3 months. He won't want anything fancy/elaborate, but I'll be darned if we're paying for any of it, not when we should be putting that money away for our own.
People, if you don't plan for the inevitable, you're not going to have enough money to have a decent quality of life at the end when you need it the most, when you're sick and tired and miserable and it feels like the whole world is against you. Caregivers, put your mask on first -- especially when it comes to your long-term care situation.
Your FIL and husband are both lucky to have you. I'm thankful you at least had a place to go to ask questions that helped you learn as you go.
As for hospice, there are different types. The one my dad (AML Leukemia) had sent someone every day to check on how I was doing managing his care, he had medicare with a medigap. My FIL a few weeks later (brain cancer) was 24/7 care. I'm pretty sure he had private health insurance as he was still working as a principal when he got sick. My MIL passed over a year ago from breast cancer. She was admitted to a hospice for 3 months as she was bed bound. She had medicare.
With a funeral, if he gets to where he qualifies for medicaid, they offer usually somewhere around $1,000 to be used towards cremation or whatever. I learned this years ago when a missing guy I was a family advocate for turned up deceased. His grandmother applied for the state benefits, then we did a fund raiser where people donated directly to the funeral home to keep it honest. The funeral director said when it was paid in full, keep it in ind if need be, you could also do something like that instead of flowers.
OP, I feel you on this one. I watched my dad and his brother struggle for years dealing with their older brother and his wife, who had no savings and no plan for how to take care of themselves when they became physically and mentally incapacitated. The countless hours trying to find a facility that would take them, coordinating VA benefits, managing their care, and making sure they had what they needed. The thousands of miles driving to their city (neither was local). And finally, arranging for and paying most of the expenses of their funerals. They also had to do the same thing with their parents, who were particularly unprepared for facing the results of strokes and other health crises that led to dementia and incapacitation for a couple years each.
On a slightly tangential note, I see the same lack of preparedness amongst the motorcycle community. Participants in a high risk hobby, riding expensive bikes, but no health insurance in some cases, no disability insurance in many cases, and not enough savings to even cover deductibles & out of pocket expenses. Thus, lots of charity rides & events to pay for expenses.
I agree that people did see their parents and grandparents die in their 50s-70s.
I had no grandparents by age 18 as they had all died by age 73. My children had their grandparents (plus one great-grandparent) live well into their 90s and one over 101.
My parents had family friends who just thought they would “drop dead” like their own parents, but instead spent over 12 years between the two of them in skilled nursing facilities, all by private pay. Times have really changed.
I agree that people did see their parents and grandparents die in their 50s-70s.
I had no grandparents by age 18 as they had all died by age 73. My children had their grandparents (plus one great-grandparent) live well into their 90s and one over 101.
My parents had family friends who just thought they would “drop dead” like their own parents, but instead spent over 12 years between the two of them in skilled nursing facilities, all by private pay. Times have really changed.
My son's great grandmother (his fathers father's mother) lived to 6 days shy of her 108th birthday. My son spent as much time with her as he could. He knew he was very fortunate to have her for so long.
He had one other great grandmother (his fathers mothers mother) died when he was about 6 so he really didn't know her that long but we do have pictures. Great grandmothers mother died when he was about 7, so he did have a great great grandmother for a few years. She was 100.
His fathers father died young (60's) from heart issues like the men in that line. Grandma is still living in her 80's. Her mother died at 84. She could be like her grandmother and live to 100. She's pretty healthy and mobile.
Hubby just stopped by the ALF to pick FIL up for his appointment at the VA this afternoon. The staff pulls him aside and says they need to talk to him about FIL's behavior. Apparently, he's got a real rebellious streak going; not only is he uncooperative and borderline belligerent to the staff, he is dropping trou and peeing on the floor in his room -- ON PURPOSE!
It's a good thing I decided to stay home today. I would've totally lost my ish and GONE OFF on him. If he gets himself booted for bad behavior, I'm buying him a sleeping bag and a tent and moving him into the local homeless camp.
Un-freakin-believable.
He probably has dementia. Going off on him isn't going to do any good. I doubt if they will kick him out, but what they will do is change his level of care designation and charge you for the extra work.
The anger I feel is toward the denial of one's circumstances and, consequently, the refusal to take personal responsibility for how your end days play out. At some point, you have to consider the burden you're putting on others and make some kind of effort to mitigate that to the degree you can.
One thing's for certain -- these last few years have sure opened up my and my husband's eyes on these kinds of issues, and we're making sure our kids are as protected against this reality as they can be. We're not wealthy by any stretch, but that doesn't mean we just throw in the towel and let someone else figure it out.
I agree. After dealing with my dad, I decided that I will not do the same to my children.
Me, too! I am already having conversations with them about how to avoid what happened with my parents. And what I do and don't want, so they don't have to guess. And that we will get ourselves to assisted living when things start to go south, I promise! None of this "we want to age in place", meaning we want you to enable us to continue to live in a situation that is completely unsafe for us.
Your FIL and husband are both lucky to have you. I'm thankful you at least had a place to go to ask questions that helped you learn as you go.
As for hospice, there are different types. The one my dad (AML Leukemia) had sent someone every day to check on how I was doing managing his care, he had medicare with a medigap. My FIL a few weeks later (brain cancer) was 24/7 care. I'm pretty sure he had private health insurance as he was still working as a principal when he got sick. My MIL passed over a year ago from breast cancer. She was admitted to a hospice for 3 months as she was bed bound. She had medicare.
With a funeral, if he gets to where he qualifies for medicaid, they offer usually somewhere around $1,000 to be used towards cremation or whatever. I learned this years ago when a missing guy I was a family advocate for turned up deceased. His grandmother applied for the state benefits, then we did a fund raiser where people donated directly to the funeral home to keep it honest. The funeral director said when it was paid in full, keep it in ind if need be, you could also do something like that instead of flowers.
They might as well spend the money that he has left on getting him a pre-paid funeral (which Medicaid allows). If they don't, the ALF is just going to get it anyway.
ERH, I'm just catching up on your thread and I'm so sorry. Just a couple comments:
This sounds like a real nightmare. At least you're in the same state, which makes it a lot easier. I give you so much credit, sounds like you are handling the majority of this burden ... as it happens many time between married couples.
As a veteran, he's entitled to burial benefits at a VA cemetery. MANY people don't know that. It doesn't sound like you're aware of it, so check it out and try to get it arranged now. And did you check out the VA Aid & Attendance benefit?
I agree with those who said his dementia is most likely responsible for the crazy behavior like peeing on the floor.
He has $14,000 more than my Mom had at the time of her death. She had like $300 in her savings account and it was going to cost $275 to file probate, so I just didn't do it. I inherited her car and condo. Luckily under FL's homestead laws, those are protected assets. I spent probably $10K on her funeral, but I was her only child and I was so grief-stricken, I didn't care. She was going to have the funeral of her dreams. We Irish are big on funerals, lol.
Just commenting on someone else's post about their grandparents -- I had no grandparents, they all died before I was born.
And finally, I wish people would not comment on things they don't know about. "ALFs cost minimum $8K/month." "Medicaid won't pay for ALFs". Etc. They need to check on the rules and facilities in their own state. When I did my will in PA, my estate attorney gave me mis-info about my Mom's situation if she had to go on Medicaid, telling me they'd definitely come after her estate when she died. I challenged him as that wasn't my understanding of the FL law. He wrote to the lawyer who had done Mom's will and found out that FL has this unique homestead law and that I was right.
My parents had family friends who just thought they would “drop dead” like their own parents, but instead spent over 12 years between the two of them in skilled nursing facilities, all by private pay. Times have really changed.
One last rant on this, then I'll put it to rest. He calls almost every day asking for us to get him out of "jail." I know it's the dementia -- his not understanding that he can't go home, but when he complains about how bad it is, how he hates the food (he loved it in the beginning!), etc., I just want to shake him and ask how he thought his life was going to end up, since he didn't plan for anything. We're just trying to stick with the party line: "the doctor doesn't believe it's safe for you to live at home anymore."
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