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I am so so sorry Va-Cat. I can only imagine how difficult all this is for you. I hope and pray that you are not having to go through this for much longer.
I would strongly consider some support for yourself. A therapist would be really helpful I think. I think it will help you cope with the situation better. Your spouse isn't himself now and it must be a terrible shock to be treated this way. I also would recommend you speak with his physician about what you are experiencing and see what services they can refer you to. A social worker might help you figure out how to get more in home help, among other things.
Excellent suggestions. If you are having, or had, a real bad day just calling the Alzheimer's 24/7 help line can be very helpful (at least it was to me). They have trained volunteers as well as supervisors who are social workers or psychologists. Discuss your concerns with his physician, perhaps Hubby's medications can be adjusted.
I am so sorry. Please try to get some respite care. I found that even a few hours away from my husband (dementia/TBI) could be quite rejuvenating. Heck, I even had a caregiver come a few times so I could nap and catch up on my sleep. Check to see if adult day care is opening up in your area, while your husband may not qualify due to his behavior issues they may have other suggestions for you or the names of trained caregivers who can provide respite.
In my state, each county has one, or more, dementia specialists working with the health department. They were invaluable help to me.
Remember to keep your health up. Warm, internet hugs.
I hate Dementia. If I was ever diagnosed with it I would be sure to have a backup plan that didn't include my family watching my slow degeneration. With my husband I'm nothing more than a target for his anger and accusations and stability. Do I still love him? No, sadly I don't. He is my responsibility but even his touch repels me. I have to bath him, I feed him, I make sure he takes his meds but I do it as an obligation rather than love. I know I sound cruel but if you heard the filth coming out of his mouth you would understand my wishing for it to be over. No, I won't do as anything to hasten it but I do pray for it to be over. It's been a very hard day.
Well no one can give you the right or wrong advice, unless they have gone through what you are.
That said, assuming you could afford to get a little help, especially with doing things like bathing him, it can take some of the constant weight off your shoulders.
I suspect he never would have wanted you to go through everything you are experiencing now, and he also would have wanted to have some dignity during this situation.
So while your loyalty to him is commendable, doing so much has turned your love and positive feelings into just memories.
Try to get some help, even if it is just for a couple of hours per day, and it might help to ease your stress.
It is a heartbreaking situation for you to deal with alone. Look into local services for caregiving which could give you a break here and there and support your mental health. I have known several people who have gone through the same situation. You need to relate your angry and frustration with someone that can support you.
Increasing number of dementia patients is the down side to lower cardiovascular disease and cancer deaths. In the past, people died of these diseases before dementia would take hold.
Not all change is a step forward.
To someone who has never dealt with a parent that's experiencing dementia, they'll read your comments and think what you've said is harsh and uncaring. But for those of us who have, they'll understand, 100%. When I was fairly young, I went to a number of funerals for older relatives. To the best of my recollection, none of them had dementia, and people pretty much said that these relatives died of "natural causes", and so be it.
Looking back at my family history, now that I, myself, am "getting up there", I've looked back at these deceased relatives, and see that they made it into their late 70s, maybe their early 80s, at best. So it makes me think that indeed, all of these "wonder drugs" that can make us live longer, aren't really doing us any favors.
Given what I've witnessed, personally, in the last 10-12 years, I'd hate to be in the position where my mind might be in decent shape, but it's trapped in a failing body....
OP, you have my empathy. What a shock to see your loving life partner change and fade! It's so unfair.
And face it, no matter how much we understand about the disease it's against our normal nature to allow someone to be abusive to us.
I have little success with guiding my husband's attitude or behavior but fortunately there are several people in his life who do and they have been invaluable to me. I use them as channels to communicate what I think we need for continued home care and he seems to be more open to what they say.
That's another thing - him being suspicious of my motives after nearly fifty-four years of marriage. Such an insult to my integrity. I know he's afraid but it doesn't help much.
But at this point it's not all about me and I have to find some other place to deal with my feelings, reasonable or not. And they really are kind of unreasonable because I know he is no longer that man who loves me. His brain is ill and he can't access that part of it any more for whatever reason.
It doesn't stop it from stinging but I don't want to let it get in my way of what the plan was which was for me to help him as long as I am able. I think we all need to try what may help and also make plans for at what point we are no longer willing or able to take care of them at home.
His neurologist has prescribed a drug for him that took some time to find the right dosage and to adjust to it. But it has made a huge difference in those angry outbursts. If you haven't explored that I urge you to do so for your own sake.
Since you are a computer user you may also want to hook up with these folks. A wonderful amount of information, resources and kind encouragement (plus venting) in their forum.
You have my sympathy. Perhaps its time for a nursing home ?
I watched my FIL slip away so I know what it's like. Be strong.
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