Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Dr Laura (on the radio) always says we have a responsibility to care for our parents. However, that doesn't mean they have to be brought into your home.
Care for her - but not in your house. She always tells people this is a bad idea to bring a parent into the marital home under these circumstances....
OP, I feel for you. Your family (husband, sister-in-law) don't know the right thing to do. I can safely say that the right thing to do is an assisted living facility. We all have an image of these places being bad. But when we actually researched them we found some very good options for my mom. If you want to get involved in a way that will be both productive and meet your needs, do some research on well rated facilities in sister-in-laws area. Make appts. for your husband/you/sister-in-law to tour them. You all might be surprised with what you find and get everyone comfortable with her going there.
If sister-in-law wants to take care of mom in her home then that is her business but it sounds like there is some expectation that you will help/pick up slack. I support you in that being a firm no. Setting limits and adopting the idea of self preservation in these circumstances is very smart. Keep doing that. But as a pressure relief valve having an out for your husband of an excellent facility would also be a smart move. Unfortunately it takes alot of time and energy to research and identify good places as well as learning how they work.
I will paraphrase my husband when I was at a loss of what to do for my mom with her recent stroke. I had hired in-home caregivers but it was clear that was not a long term solution. I then wondered aloud if she should come here. He said absolutely not. There was no way we could meet her needs. Which was true. And he said that I was spending my time on the wrong things. I should be searching for a facility. Which was also true. So that is what I did.
My brother's wife thanked me for stepping in as he was also at a loss of what to do. She said if I hadn't stepped up he would still be floundering and doing nothing. Maybe you can be the clear headed one in the family and get things going in the right direction.
Good luck! By no means do you have to do the leg work on the facility but it may be the share of the burden you feel most comfortable with. However if it will go unappreciated by the 'decision makers' then there is that to consider.
It’s not a double standard. I’m his wife. I have lived with him for over thirty years. Much longer than he has lived with his Mom whom he sees rarely since she lives 1,000 miles from us. Also, I co-own our house. And, I am his wife. Did I already mention that? Everyone knows that a spouse is closer kin than a parent.
You already knew the answer. No. Your MIL is not moving in. That is not an option and it’s not negotiable.
Moving grandma in is normally done out of financial necessity. That isn’t the case here. If your spouse feels he has the ethical obligation to ensure that his mother is looked after, by all means encourage it. It just won’t be in your house.
I'll share my experience. I was a full time caregiver for my late husband (dementia and TBI) when I developed Stage IV cancer, with a very poor prognosis (the cancer was diagnosed very late because I was neglecting my own health needs while caring for him). Hubby went into a facility while other family and friends cared for me. It was still a tremendous responsibility handling his medical needs, even though his day to day needs were being met.
I used to say that "my Stage IV cancer never even made the top five list of things that were my priority". Sadly, that was true. While, I recovered from the cancer, I developed numerous other severe health issues from neglecting my own health for so long. My husband passed away three years ago and I still have not regained the health and strength that I had before I became a caregiver. It is quite likely that I never will get back to my pre-caregiver level of health.
Please, please, please don't allow your husband to move his mother into your home. Even if you hire additional help and severely limit your involvement, IMHO, the neglect from your husband and added stress will be severely detrimental to your health. I know several families, personally, where the much younger, caregiver died before the elderly person that they were caring for died. PM, if I can help in any way.
I'll share my experience. I was a full time caregiver for my late husband (dementia and TBI) when I developed Stage IV cancer, with a very poor prognosis (the cancer was diagnosed very late because I was neglecting my own health needs while caring for him). Hubby went into a facility while other family and friends cared for me. It was still a tremendous responsibility handling his medical needs, even though his day to day needs were being met.
I used to say that "my Stage IV cancer never even made the top five list of things that were my priority". Sadly, that was true. While, I recovered from the cancer, I developed numerous other severe health issues from neglecting my own health for so long. My husband passed away three years ago and I still have not regained the health and strength that I had before I became a caregiver. It is quite likely that I never will get back to my pre-caregiver level of health.
Please, please, please don't allow your husband to move his mother into your home. Even if you hire additional help and severely limit your involvement, IMHO, the neglect from your husband and added stress will be severely detrimental to your health. I know several families, personally, where the much younger, caregiver died before the elderly person that they were caring for died. PM, if I can help in any way.
Thanks. I am still reading this thread, although I still want it deleted.
I think part of the problem is that we don’t really know what is going on. My MIL has her virtues, but she has always been, in my opinion, extremely poor at direct communication. In fact there seems to be a communication deficit in that entire side of the family. (My father-in-law had a falling out with his mother and did not speak to her for the last two to three decades of her life. Which is, well, what it is. But what I thought was weird is that my husband who was living at home at the time was completely unaware of this odd dynamic and and only found out a few years ago. Also my MIL seems to be constitutionally incapable of simply expressing a desire — any desire at all. She has no opinions on anything. She just wants what you want. But of course this is not true. So there is all manner of bizarre round-about discussion or non-discussion about every little thing.) We honestly do not know what exactly is wrong and are having a hard time getting someone to just tell us why my MIL wants to move out of her house. She is 92, but as far as I know still in good health. (Her mother lived to 100 and her aunt lived to 104). She had a relatively large friend circle (associated with her church) but, from what we heard, has been isolating herself more and more. She only wants to be with her daughter now. We don’t think this is healthy and are not sure why she is pulling away from everyone (except family).
My personal theory (which may be wrong) is that she is such an incredible neatnik that she can’t bear to be in a place where she can’t thoroughly clean everything every day. Of course, this doesn’t explain why she can’t go into an assisted living facility.
My husband’s theory is that we are dealing with the beginning of dementia or a cognitive slide. Of course no one will actually say this because no one ever really communicates in their family (OK, I exaggerate, almost never — everyone typically either says nothing or utters nice bland banalities like comments on how nice the weather is or how nice a neighbor was to help her get a vaccine or whatever. It’s like the epitome of mid-Western nice dysfunction and I find it wearying and difficult to deal with to the Nth degree. And part of the reason it is difficult is that it is politically difficult to draw boundaries w such people because they are so good at hiding anything negative - and only getting their way through bizarre roundabout manipulations).
First let me say that I am mainly being fearful/slightly paranoid at this point. There has been no serious discussion of having my MIL move in with us to date. Also, I just spoke with my husband and made him promise she wouldn’t come live with us. I would prefer that she not even be in our city, but could accept that if absolutely necessary. Not in our home though.
However, it is clear as of tonight. that my MIL is in trouble. She is 92 and has realized that she can’t live in her (rather large) home anymore. I knew this was coming and had just assumed she would be moving to an assisted living facility in her state. Wrong. Her plan is to move in with her youngest daughter who lives close by She in fact moved to be close to my MIL. Unfortunately, she does not get along at all with her son-in-law (to be fair, the SIL is kind of a jerk) so now the son-in-law has decided to divorce her daughter and in fact has already moved out. Unfortunately, he is the owner of the house that the daughter (my sister-in-law) and MIL were going to live in. This doesn’t seem like stable situation to say the least.
I don’t know what is going on exactly, but my husband got a call from his brother asking him to help “deal with” the situation.
So, I am honing my arguments, constructing my personal barricades ....
Arguments against having my MIL stay with us.
1. She is 92 and has already lived a nice, long life. I am 57 and have advanced lung cancer. I am currently in remission and thankfully have no symptoms (although I am managing two other relatively mild conditions). My husband, bring the optimistic person he is, he seems to have convinced himself that I am fine and I beat the cancer. To be honest, I like to think that too sometimes. But I know it’s unlikely I will live a long, healthy life at this point. I do not want to be spending the last years of my life being a caretaker for my MIL (or attempting to be her caretaker).
2. I do not have a caretaker personality ... at all. I have many virtues, but being nurturing is not one of them. I have never ever ever wanted children (and I’m fact didn’t have any) because I knew from the get-go that I am not a caregiver.
3. My MIL already has plenty of money as far as I can tell. She will also be selling her rather large house and having an estate sale, so there should be more of it. So, it’s not like she can’t afford assisted living. In fact, the arguments I heard (from my husband) about why assisted living wasn’t such a great idea was that “she would feel lonely there” and “she wouldn’t have any friends.”
4. I don’t like my MIL. I have never told my husband. I have always been nice and respectful. But the truth is, I really don’t like her.
So, I made him promise this was not going to happen. Fortunately, I know for a fact that he also really doesn’t want his Mom living with us. It’s just that he is also a really nice person, a very dutiful person, someone who feels easily guilty , someone, in other words, who might find himself agreeing to something he would rather not agree to since it is his “duty,” and couldn’t bear to think of his mother as friendless and alone in some institution. So, I am working on some psychological jujutsu ... just in case.
First possible tactic.
1. Say NO! NO, she is not coming here.
2. If somehow she happens to come here anyway (just for a little while ...), sit everyone down and draw up some boundaries, like what her exit strategy is and what her exit timetable is.
3. If she is still here, I will tell my husband that I will not be caring for her at all. I will write it down and have everyone sign it. It will not be my responsibility to take care of her, cook for her, take her to appointments, keep her company. If my husband is upset with this, I will tell him that he should retire early and stay home all day to take care of his Mom (we have the savings, so why not?)
4. Other ideas?
A very clear answer to me. Option one.
No no no. No way in hell. Absolutely not. If she moves in I’m leaving you.
I would say all of those things. You have no obligation to be turned into a caregiver for someone you don’t even like, especially given your own health issues. This is completely absurd to even consider, frankly. I would say make your wishes known now, loud and clear.
Print these responses out. Sit with your loving spouse , and review some suggestions.
The reality is: planning is one thing. Speculating is another.
The choice for the son to hire a care giver is a suggestion. Just like most suggest an adult living facility.
Yes! Maybe she can hire a caregiver in her own home ...or get an apartment near her daughter with assistance. I feel like they are just not thinking things through. I am also suspecting a bit too much prayer, faith and “niceness” not early enough honesty and planning. Last I heard she was saying that she *had* to sell her place as soon as possible because that is what the realtor wanted. She had to be reminded that the realtor works for her, not the other way around. I have no idea if all the options have even been discussed, although my hunch is no, because ... well ... everything I said up-thread about communication or lack thereof.
OP There are many of us out in the world with the same issues. I have told my husband for our entire marriage that i am not going to be a caretaker of anyone but him. So very important that he understands clearly your own boundaries. Assure him that the two of you will help find safe housing for his mom and ensure she is warm, fed and cared for where she lives.
His mom is 89 and right now in an independent senior housing apartment. Lovely with lots of socialization (that would drive me crazy). Maintenance is handled promptly. She even has access to a bus for shopping. Perfect.
OP There are many of us out in the world with the same issues. I have told my husband for our entire marriage that i am not going to be a caretaker of anyone but him. So very important that he understands clearly your own boundaries. Assure him that the two of you will help find safe housing for his mom and ensure she is warm, fed and cared for where she lives.
His mom is 89 and right now in an independent senior housing apartment. Lovely with lots of socialization (that would drive me crazy). Maintenance is handled promptly. She even has access to a bus for shopping. Perfect.
Thanks! I know what you mean about all the socializing. I would hate it too. I plan to live in my own house until I die of cancer and/or arrange physician-assisted suicide. No way I want to partake in all the planned activities.
Also ... I just spoke on the phone with my sister, who always gives great advice and is funny to boot. She told me that I should just keep my mouth shut about this, trust my husband (he already promised) and only trot out the ideas I got on this thread (and elsewhere) if and when he broaches the topic again.
She also said (and this made me literally laugh out loud): “Um ... doesn’t <my husband’s> family know you? Don’t they know that caregiving is not your ... um ... is not ... um ... in your wheelhouse? I mean, is it even ethical for you to take her in?!?!?”
So, there you have it. According to my sister, it would be “unethical” for me to take in my MIL due to my well-known deficits in care-taking ability. LOL.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
