Grandson who was Primary Caregiver for my Grandmothers (child, parent, spouse)

[IGoZoom]

First of all, I want to say to all the Caregivers on this forum how much I respect and admire you for all that you do! I know first-hand how difficult (emotionally and physically), frustrating, exhausting, thankless and life-changing the decision to be a Caregiver can be.

I'm a bit of an oddity among Caregivers. I'm a single 40-year-old man and I was the Primary Caregiver for both of my grandmothers. Both of my parents are 'only' children (and both are selfish and spoiled, especially my father) and, honestly, neither of them was capable of caregiving. I have a sister who is three years older than me and she shared some of the responsibility for my paternal grandmother (Nanny Sara). But she wasn't willing or able to help with my maternal grandmother (Nanny Gen, short for Geneva).

My parents were very young when they married and my mom was only 17 when she had my sister and had just turned 20 three weeks before I was born. I grew up next door to my dad's parents and less than a mile away from my mom's mother (her father died before I was born, so I only knew one grandfather, Poppa). Our three grandparents were actually more like parents to me and my sister and we loved them as if they were our parents. Being the only two grandchildren, we had more love than any other kids I've ever met!

My Poppa died in 1998 and, after 53 years of marriage, I didn't expect Nanny Sara to last very long without him. I underestimated her because she made it another 14 years, until early 2012. She had horrible rheumatoid arthritis even before I was born but she managed to adapt the the crippling disease and remained independent. In 2008, she was hospitalized with pneumonia and they discovered that she had severe COPD. She needed breathing treatments and had numerous weekly doctor visits from that point onward. My sister took care of the day-to-day things like grocery shopping, paying bills and preparing food. My work allowed me to be more flexible, so I took her to every appointment and dealt with any medical and health insurance issues. On Thanksgiving 2011, I went to pick her up to bring her to my mom's house (her ex-daughter-in-law) for dinner and I found her lying in the bathroom floor. She was barely conscious and there was blood all over her and the bathroom. She had started vomiting blood earlier that morning and finally passed out in the floor. She had just regained consciousness when I arrived.

I immediately called 911 and took her to the E/R. The following day we learned that she had a grapefruit-sized mass in her stomach and part of her stomach lining was already gone. After a biopsy, we got the news that it was cancer and it was very advanced. She had 10-12 weeks to live. My sister decided to quit her job and I went part-time and we moved in with her a few days later. We both lived with her until she died in February 2012. She was 86.

My grandmothers were best friends and when Nanny Sara died, Nanny Gen started to decline noticeably. She was five years older than Nanny Sara, but had been amazingly healthy and active until she was almost 92. Starting at age 92, it was a downhill slide. She had frequent UTIs that required hospitalization (and she was never left alone in the hospital for a single minute, day or night). Between June 2012 and February 2015, she was hospitalized 14 different times (for 4-11 days each time).

In 2013, I began noticing various different and strange behaviors that I tried to ignore. In retrospect, it was clearly the onset of dementia but I didn't want to see it at the time. My mom couldn't handle being at the hospital for more than an hour or two and, despite living next door (literally 200 yards away), she would go days without visiting. But they spoke on the phone several times each day, which was better than nothing. Her physical health also grew continuously worse and she couldn't do any of the things (sewing, gardening, canning, cooking) that she loved any longer. She grew more and more depressed and that was very difficult for me to watch. (BTW, I moved her in with me, next door to my mom and step-dad back in 2010, so I was her live-in caregiver.....in my house).

I also became very depressed and experienced severe caregiver burnout but I had to find a way to keep going. My health suffered (I gained 36 pounds in the last year of her life) and I even became "pre-diabetic" (5.9-6.4 A1C is pre-diabetic, 6.5+ is diabetic). I'm very happy to say that I reversed that and am now at 5.3 A1C. Back on topic, watching her from one day to the next was literally like watching her die in very slow motion. It was almost unbearable.

My 40th birthday was a milestone for Nanny Gen and not in a good way. She fell while getting up from the kitchen table, hit her head on the edge of the table then hit the back of her head when she landed on the hardwood floor. She seemed okay for about 20 minutes, then she lost the ability to speak and started fighting me and behaving violently! I called 911 and we spent the next 52 hours locked in physical combat in the hospital. At least one nurse stayed with me at all times and the nurse and I both were covered in bruises. They finally found a combination of drugs to sedate her, for her own safety and so she could rest after more than two days without sleep! They did an MRI and it didn't show any signs of a concussion or bleeding, but it was obvious that she suffered a traumatic brain injury in that fall.

I took her home after eight days in the hospital. I hoped for a miracle of some sorts (or that she would peacefully slip away in her sleep) but neither happened. For the next three months, life was HELL at least 23 hours of each day (she might nod off for a solid hour once in a while). A family friend came over every other night and stayed 12-14 hours so I could rest and do things I needed to do. She was a lifesaver and I will love her forever for what she did. I wish that all of you could have a friend as wonderful as her.

One of the hardest things about Nanny's head injury was that her violent physical outbursts were often accompanied by verbal abuse. She was a devout Pentecostal who had never uttered the word '****' (much less anything worse) but she started calling us all sorts of names and accusing us of doing dishonest or abusive things to her. I learned to cope with it, but it was VERY difficult. Mercifully, exactly three months after her fall and head injury, she died on May 10, 2015. It was Mother's Day, which I felt was appropriate since she was the matriarch of our family. She was 95! I cried very little after she died because I had been mourning her for the three long months as I cared for this stranger who no longer knew me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I don't think I could survive doing it again. But I am glad that I did it, if that makes sense?

I never wanted any praise or recognition from anyone for taking care of my grandmothers. I did it because my heart told me it was the right thing to do. I can live the rest of my life knowing that I did my best and my conscience is clear.

As difficult as my experience was, I can't imagine being a caregiver for my partner/spouse, child or sibling. On some level, knowing my parents shortcomings, I always knew that I would play a role in caring for my grandmothers in their final days. But I truly admire and respect those of you who are taking care of your loved ones!

As for those who should be helping with the tremendous task of caregiving but aren't, I'll quote my favorite saying of Nanny Sara- "They'll pay for it someday....and I hope I get to see it!" =)

[fluffythewondercat]

That's quite a story.

But I'll echo what others have said recently, "Don't judge other families. You don't know all that goes on."

My eighty-something MIL, who lived 2.5 hours from us, secretly planned with my SIL to move out of state. We weren't told until the arrangements were finalized, then it was sprung on us as a fait accompli. I don't know why they did it that way. If they wanted to make us feel like crap, they succeeded.

My husband was devastated.

I tried to warn my MIL, who was talking about how nice it would be to have her family all around her. I told her that's what my mom thought too, only no one ever stops by to visit her.

The reality of the move is that my SIL works long hours at her business and my MIL only sees her for an hour or two a day. The rest of the time she is alone. Recently home health care aides were hired to come in from 8 am to 1 pm to do anything my MIL needs done but they are not social. Often my MIL sits by herself in the living room while the aide reads the newspaper in the kitchen.

Combine that with living in the dreary Pacific Northwest and no wonder she's depressed and has given up all hope.

[germaine2626]

OP, thank you for sharing your story. I am sure that your grandmothers really appreciated your help.

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

The reality of the move is that my SIL works long hours at her business and my MIL only sees her for an hour or two a day. The rest of the time she is alone.
Recently home health care aides were hired to come in from 8 am to 1 pm to do anything my MIL needs done but they are not social. Often my MIL sits by herself in the living room while the aide reads the newspaper in the kitchen.

Combine that with living in the dreary Pacific Northwest and no wonder she's depressed and has given up all hope.

fluffythewondercat, I hope that your SIL realizes that she should fire those aides and hire ones that will interact with your MIL.


This summer a friend of mine hired a home health care aide to "do anything" with her mother (as she & everyone else in the family worked fulltime). But they also discussed the type of activities at the interviews. My friend occasionally stopped in to check and what Mom reported was accurate. The aide spend hours playing card games with Mom, or "helped" (the aide did all of the work under Mom's direction) her cook her favorite meals, drove Mom to the library or to the store, or listened to Mom telling stories from her childhood or married life or stories about her grandchildren. Of course, the aide did things like wash dishes, make the bed, and general housekeeping but those were just a small part of the time.


My friend said that when she hired the person she was told that her key responsibilities would be social and if she was not willing to do that they would not be hired. My friend interviewed a number of people, mainly young women in the 20s but none of those seemed right. They ended up hiring a retired teacher in her 60s and it was a perfect fit for her mother in her late 80s. Perhaps because she was a teacher or because she was older the aide was patient and a good listener. Sadly my friend's mother passed away in September but my friend was happy that her mother was so happy her last few months.