U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 1.5 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Jump to a detailed profile or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Business Search - 14 Million verified businesses
Search for:  near: 
 
 
Old 06-22-2009, 10:39 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,053 posts, read 5,154,820 times
Reputation: 3631

Advertisements

Our mom is now 88 and has the beginnings of Alzheimers but goes 3 days a week to a private wonderfully run day care and she comes home refreshed and stimulated.

She has 4 children, all of whom are married and have children of their own. All live close by. She cannot live alone anymore and must have help with showers, etc. She is very sweet but a little demanding when it comes to eating (type of food, time to eat, etc)

She now lives with one of my sisters whose husband has Parkinsons and she has 3 teens. The teens are feeling a little violated with Grandma there and feel they don't have their own space anymore.

Our mom only gets $726 a month in social security. We are trying to get veterans benefits but that takes a long time.

This is stressing all of us out and we love her. How can we honor her? She wants to live with my one sister (the one she is with). My sister also works very full time, six days a week and sometimes 2 jobs. My sister said her family is suffering b/c of our mom being there.

I found an ALF (112 residents) nearby. What to do?

Any ideas? I hate to just push her out. My husband and I had her live in a condo that we bought for her for 17 years. He feels we have done our part.

PS - All of her children work full time so there is no one home most of the day at most of the homes. That is a problem.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-22-2009, 10:55 PM
 
1,492 posts, read 4,629,275 times
Reputation: 1284
Let your mom choose where she wants to live.

Then make it happen. If she wants to stay in her own home- somebody has got to make the sacrifice. If she wants to live with the one daughter w/ family....then they must sacrifice.

My mom was placed on Hospice and didn't want to go to a nursing home. Out of five children where 2 lived in the same city (one in an apartment and was a nurse; and the other no children) and one 1 hour up the road w/ no children....then 1 more kid up the road 8 hours- no kids....

it was me, single mom of three children (2 of which were early college age 15 and 16).... I moved from Las Vegas all the way to NC to care for my mom in a 2 bedroom rinky dink trailer.

It was almost torture. I spent alot of time crying, my kids left college....it was awful. But I sat with her day in and day out and cried in the twin bed all four of my family was sharing as my mom's bed was set up in the living room.

Mother passed away, my 2 oldest previously in college went into the military....so I lost three loved ones in just a short time.

But all in all....life is so too short. What many feel as 'necessary' in life just isn't.

Make the sacrifice...somebody.

Oh, did I mention I was starting Nursing School in just a few short weeks....had already been accepted, buying books, etc. Left everything!

Just pray and let the Lord guide.

Good luck!
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2009, 11:22 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,053 posts, read 5,154,820 times
Reputation: 3631
Smile Our mother

She is at the point where she does not really tell you what she wants. She cannot live alone in the condo. We have rented it out now which is a blessing for my husband and me.

My other sister had her for a while - was not working out - too stressful. Now this sister has her. My mom really wants to stay there with her but my sister has a hard time explaining everything to her.

She can be very sweet and my sister loves the moments she sits with her and reads the Bible to her. (Calms her).

The only thing she really tells you about is the food.

You sound like you were a wonderful daughter to your mom.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2009, 11:30 PM
 
Location: Texas
12,333 posts, read 7,782,906 times
Reputation: 52069
This is why we are called "the sandwich generation." We are smack dab in the middle of our kids and our parents. We take care of all of them. And we are lucky that we can. Keep in mind that there is a lot of help out there if you know where to look and who to contact.

My mother is 84. She lived alone in the family home in a town in west Texas until last year when she actually asked us to move her to the Dallas metroplex. My sis and her hubby live in that area. I'm an hour southwest of them. We moved mother into a wonderful assisted living arrangement. It's like a resort. No lie. My sister can get to her in 10 minutes. This week we had to move her into the "memory care" section of the "resort." Alzheimer's.

Check with Social Security to see if your mother qualifies for SSI (supplemental security income) benefits. If you call make sure your mother is in the same room you are in. SSA will want to get her permission to talk to you. Use the SSA 800#. Also, check with Medicaid at the county/state level. They can help with nursing home payments and/or medical care. Also, get in touch with organizations for seniors. They will have some ideas for you. SSA can give you the names and numbers of organizations you can contact.

One more thing: check the internet for "A Place for Mom." It's free to you. It's a great organization/business. They will ask questions about what you are looking for and they will set up appointments for you to tour various places. The contacts are local and they have relationships with all the places you might be interested in. They are paid by the various businesses. You pay nothing. A Place for Mom is also well versed in the various benefits available to your mother. Check 'em out.

Follow your heart and your brain. It's a tough time for you. Believe me, I know.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-22-2009, 11:50 PM
 
10,118 posts, read 14,438,136 times
Reputation: 10257
I work on an inpatient Alzheimer's service. These are largely people who flunked out of nursing homes from their illnesses.
If someone cannot be safely left alone (falls, wandering, lighting stove) then I think it really is kinder and safer to have the person in a setting with 24-hour supervision. If it's nearby, family can visit as much as they want, and do the activities (bible reading,etc.) that all find nourishing and connecting (unlike dragging someone on or off a commode, arguing with a failing mind about an unsafe behavior, and so on).
People with neurological disease (and that's dementia of all kinds) are not likely to be able to make a rational decision about how to proceed. Likely, if the lady could answer, she'd choose not to have a neurological disease. I mean, dementia is way beyond "when Mom gets forgetful."
People can live for years and years with increasing dementia. It is not reasonable for someone who must work for a roof over their heads or who is taking care of children to quit their job and become a 24-hour companion for someone who is failing.
For those who would say, "But they took care of me when I was a child," note that the usual progression for a child is more functionality, not less. A lot of parents wouldn't do it if they knew their child would become progressively less functional for years and years.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-23-2009, 02:03 PM
 
799 posts, read 809,872 times
Reputation: 1341
Go to alz.org - you will find lots of people in your shoes and can give you great advice. There is a "caregivers forum" that is very helpful.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-23-2009, 02:45 PM
 
700 posts, read 2,078,722 times
Reputation: 349
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
Our mom is now 88 and has the beginnings of Alzheimers but goes 3 days a week to a private wonderfully run day care and she comes home refreshed and stimulated.

She has 4 children, all of whom are married and have children of their own. All live close by. She cannot live alone anymore and must have help with showers, etc. She is very sweet but a little demanding when it comes to eating (type of food, time to eat, etc)

She now lives with one of my sisters whose husband has Parkinsons and she has 3 teens. The teens are feeling a little violated with Grandma there and feel they don't have their own space anymore.

Our mom only gets $726 a month in social security. We are trying to get veterans benefits but that takes a long time.

This is stressing all of us out and we love her. How can we honor her? She wants to live with my one sister (the one she is with). My sister also works very full time, six days a week and sometimes 2 jobs. My sister said her family is suffering b/c of our mom being there.

I found an ALF (112 residents) nearby. What to do?

Any ideas? I hate to just push her out. My husband and I had her live in a condo that we bought for her for 17 years. He feels we have done our part.

PS - All of her children work full time so there is no one home most of the day at most of the homes. That is a problem.
There's a lot of Home Health Services out there that might be a good fit such as Home Instead, Comfort Keepers,Allied,Americare,AssistedCare Home Health,Care Alternatives,Eldercare,Healthmate Home Care,Liberty,Right At Home,Senior Care Alternatives,etc. Look in your yellow pages to see who is in your area. They will come in as often as you like or need for a pretty reasonable fee. She might also qualify for a grant for free. Check on it at your local senior center. Best of luck to you.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-23-2009, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Fresno, CA
314 posts, read 566,271 times
Reputation: 390
Hi, Bette-

I can totally empathize. I'm on a similar journey to yours along with my 86 year-old mom who has dementia.

Who is caring for your mom now while your sister is at work? Does your mom have her own room without another family member being displaced?

The choice to place or not to place is such a tough decision.

My mom became unable to live on her own about the time I retired five years ago. I've cared for her since. My brother spells me in the evening when needed. Though generally pleasant, Mom's judgement and some resistant behaviors have become quite challenging. We're almost at the point she has to be watched every moment. Oy, the tales I could tell.

Years ago, my mom said, "Please don't ever put me in a nursing home" We did have to place her a couple of years ago when she had a bladder infection and as seniors can do, she totally "wacked out" (for lack of a better term) and was no longer walking. She was doing so poorly behaviorally while in the medical hospital that the nearby Alzheimer's facility said she was functioning at too low a level for them to take her.

We did place her in a nice skilled nursing facility where she returned to her baseline behavior after a couple of weeks. She had a lovely lady caring for her most days and was generally doing well there. We thought it best to leave her there for awhile. She responded well to the activities, had a nice room, pleasant roommates and I visited her everyday from about 4:30 till bedtime about 9:00. We brought her home weekends though hospital regs didn't allow her to spend the night. She was fine while at the SNF but often refused to return after visits out.

Her main complaints were: "Nobody ever comes to see me."
Some complaints about food ( I brought some food in). Complaints about and resistance to staff other than her regular caretaker. And she especially missed her doggies even when I brought them to visit. She was anxious about when I was coming to visit and had staff call me several times each day so she could talk to me. I had a few calls from staff in the wee hours saying my mom was refusing to be changed and I had to haul across town to assist. Overall though she seemed to thrive and be cheerful.

After 7 months that all changed. With one hours notice ( to Mom and me) the SNF moved her from a "short-term care" room to a "long-term care" room. She lost her lovely room with telephone, TV, patio view with plants and kitties playing there. She also lost her very nice roommate and her lovely caretaker. She was moved to the middle bed of a small three person room in a different wing with two kvetching roommates who didn't want her there, almost no privacy, no amenities and not friendly staff. My mom ( who seldom cries) couldn't stop crying. The hospital administration reacted as if they were moving pieces on a chess board rather than a real live person. So after much thought, I brought her home, where, considering the expected cognitive decline she has done great. We still laugh alot and I think these little spoiled dogs have extended her life by about ten years!

Under the very best of circumstances, caregiving is a very tough job. You might be able to get in-home supportive services from her county to provide part-time assistance with her care and respite for family until she can no longer be home.

Definitely check out placement alternatives as soon as possible and get on a list if there is one so you're prepared when either the family situation or your mom's functioning necessitate placement.

Each family situation is different and the progression of the dementia is different as well. There is no one right choice and no dishonor in placing your mom if that seems the best choice given the circumstances. She will need reassurance and support as any change is difficult.

Every week, I go through an evaluation, weighing the pros and cons of whether I should continue to be Mom's caregiver primarily on my own. There is a great deal of sacrifice in one's own life but there are gifts that come with this challenging job that are difficult to articulate.

Growing old isn't for the faint of heart nor is caring for an aging loved one. I wish you and your family the best in whatever choice you make.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2009, 01:08 AM
 
Location: Alaska
379 posts, read 614,308 times
Reputation: 161
mollyblythe - what a compassionate caring realistic post. I've done both long term on-site care giving and long distance care giving interspersed with frequent extended visits for the past 16 years . First an aunt, then a dad , and now a mom...it feels like it is never ending. I feel bad because my mom is now in a nursing home .... she wants to go home, she wants me there so she can go home, and I am just so worn out I do not have enough left to do it full time. I never thought i'd reach that point, I just assumed I would always do what needed to be done.

Caregivers tend to continue giving beyond the time that they should....and only realize it afterwards. My Mom went to a nursing home after a fall, and I was unable to "rescue" her as I have in the past because of two surgeries myself. I was amazed at the relief I felt with her in the nursing home even though I do not like her being there.

My "placement" criteria was always "incontience or violence". My Mom has neither and her mind is good - but she is physically disabled due to arthritis and needs help to get up, down, bathroom and basically everything else.

You are right - neither homecare or placement are easy. My best to you and to Bette - your journey is surely a tough one.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2009, 02:34 PM
 
6,982 posts, read 16,643,618 times
Reputation: 6556
Ask yourself this. "If I am ever in a similar condition, do I want my children to bear such a burden in order to take care of me?"

Think about it. What would be the best solution for the entire family?
What would be best for the teenagers?

What will happen if the caretaker becomes so stressed out that she/he is no longer able to function?

No matter what you do, or don't do, there will be problems. There is no "good" way to handle the situation. It has to be what suits your family best. Which/Who comes first???
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $84,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2014, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25 - Top