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Old 09-22-2009, 10:29 AM
Location: Where I live.
9,191 posts, read 18,179,910 times
Reputation: 4736


For whatever it's worth, you also need to take care of yourself, which is what you appear to be doing. Yes, it's very, very hard, and there are many of us facing that with spouses and elderly parents. Dementia/alzheimer's is very possibly the most cruel of all, as it is a slow death with loved ones having to watch.

I watched two very dear aunts wear themselves down to nothing taking care of husbands with dementia/stroke--and I mean that literally. One developed heart disease and went slowly downhill. I saw the strongest woman I have ever known break down into tears over the stress. She died a few years ago at 85 years of age. Thank God she was herself mentally to the end. I miss her terribly.

The other one finally had a stroke after years of intense caregiving--no longer knows her own daughter any longer, so she's technically gone, even though her body is still here.

These women rejected outside help, and refused to even consider a nursing home, even though that would have helped both of them immensely. Each one paid a very heavy price, and I miss both.

But they made their choices, so they had to live with the consequences. I wish they had chosen otherwise (both would probably still be here), but they did what they thought they had to do, and I respected their decisions, even though I didn't like them.

My heart goes out to you. We're facing the same issues.....and I don't know what we'll do.

Take care of yourself, OK? Hopefully you will adjust and learn to live with the decision you have made.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:44 AM
Location: Atlanta, GA.
107 posts, read 294,551 times
Reputation: 90
Is it possible to find a home that would take both of you? Maybe not so much of nursing homes we think of, but one that will cater to his needs, your independence allowing the personal space for privacy and your ability to come & go, fix meals, etc, etc.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:57 AM
Location: Bella Vista, Ark
67,253 posts, read 76,941,827 times
Reputation: 36434

I know this is one of life's hardest decisions. I see it daily with some of my bridge friends. Many have spouses that they either can no longer take care or or barely.

We went through it with my mother in law many years ago. The sad thing there, she was still mentally pretty alert, but physically she could no long take care of herself. She couldn't even manage in assistant living. We watched her go down hill from then on. Of course she was in her 90s at the time. To add insult to injury we moved and made the decision not to move her. She passed away about 3 months later.

I would suggest you talk to the social worker at the nursing home.

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Old 09-23-2009, 10:53 AM
105 posts, read 199,215 times
Reputation: 30
Originally Posted by DonnaARt View Post
My husband has dementia, is in a wheelchair as he cannot walk well, and has other health problems. I have been his main caregiver for 4years. My health is failing to the point that I can no longer take care of him. I put him in an excellent nursing home and must say I am extremely pleased at the care he is receiving. I actually am surprised at level of service and care he is receiving. But I cannot get over the guilt in putting him there. He keeps calling to come home and my guilt gets worse and worse. Are there any support groups that can help me deal with this. My depression is worsening and I would appreciate any help or advise.
Thank you very much!
Donna - you have my sympathy and I do understand what you are going through. However, don't beat yourself up. It sounds like he is in a good location and being well taken care of. You didn't say where you're located but if you're in ABQ then Friends in Time is a great group - I got to know them over the past 15 to 20 years. Lyn & Tracy are excellent people and truely care about the folks they visit as part of their jobs. I met them because one of my best friends was fighting MS for 20 years and had to unfortunately be placed in a facility that was medicaid/medicare. As the others suggested, talk with the social services director at the facility - they can help direct you in the right direction.

My best to you - Otis
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Old 09-23-2009, 11:12 AM
Location: Happy wherever I am - Florida now
3,359 posts, read 10,449,485 times
Reputation: 3792
So sorry to hear of your plight. Perhaps having some things from home or some familiar music would help him to be less anxious.

This is one of the more difficult aspects of life and one in which we have little choice in order for him to receive the necessary care without killing yourself in the process. Short of being able to afford round the clock help at home with him, which is less feasible with such a long term prognosis, you had not much of an alternative. Don't beat yourself up, assure him this is his new home, and he will see you every day. Do take some time for yourself to unwind from what you have already had to bear.
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Old 09-23-2009, 11:13 AM
Location: southern california
53,973 posts, read 70,774,424 times
Reputation: 45784
maem you are a good loving person you have done the right thing.
not like mine who tried to put me in a home at 28 for the same reason.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:18 PM
Location: Metromess
11,798 posts, read 20,944,886 times
Reputation: 5026
DonnaARt: You certainly shouldn't feel guilty for doing the right thing, and by any objective measure, you have. The alternative is totally impracticable; it would only hurt you and him too. It's a horrible situation and I feel the greatest empathy for you.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:30 PM
4,628 posts, read 8,867,320 times
Reputation: 4222
We, each of us, is powerless when faced with this cold-hearted thief. The only choice you had was to put your DH with people who are skilled in dealing with this disease. As everyone has said, you did not only the right thing, but the loving thing.

Please seek support and know that you are not alone. With the best of thoughts ~

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Old 09-24-2009, 06:56 PM
167 posts, read 516,271 times
Reputation: 131
Donna, My partners Mother has Dementia and I know its very very hard on her as she has power of attorney and has to make the final decisions. A nursing home will be coming up soon for Connie.

Try not to feel guilty, there really is nothing to feel guilty about. The very fact that you do feel so bad shows just how much you care and are a loving partner. Do ask the Nursing home and any local social workers if there are any support groups in your area, or just start googling "Dementia Support for families" and see what comes up. There should be a contact that could steer you to your closest group, or even an online support network. These things do help as others who have walked this path, can guide you and answer your questions and help you feel you are not alone. And you are NOT alone!

Here in City-data, many people have come to offer you thier care and support....Try to enjoy your life, a day at a time. Life goes so fast, so smell the flowers and enjoy the sunset all while knowing you are a good person who has done everything they can do... Of course, he wants to come home, its natural. And I am sure that is hard for you. But you are going to be OK. Take good care and let us know how you are doing and if and what you found out there. I am sure it will be helpful for someone else, perhaps even us very soon.

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Old 06-01-2012, 08:42 PM
1 posts, read 4,881 times
Reputation: 13
not sure why the cursing occurs esp in folks who never cuss..but my husband never used foul language and has the LBD ...also remember it in helping nursing home patients and they would curse a lot..kind of surprising huh..
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