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When it is too much - put her in a home and don't feel bad about it. Remember, if she get's hurt, you may be held responsible...
This all may sound cold...but it is the truth. Especially when it comes to family and money...they become a wolf pack....Saying that you did it because "You liked doing those type of things for people"...And they're entitled just because they are related.
I agree completely with everything you said.
I need to clarify where we are with the above above clipped sections. I do have power of attorney and am listed on all of her accounts. I probably could come up with the cash to "put her in a home" but I would then drain my own savings to continue her care. Her income is not enough. The value of her house will not pay for her care. I fear I'll then have nothing to live on in my own old age, except Social Security. Hence, the feeling if "why stick around?"
Rethinking what I said before, I'm sure the moment she passes away, the relatives will flock to strip her home of anything of value. They did it when a grandparent died. One was bold enough to show up at the funeral with a U-Haul attached to his car. The funeral director unhooked it for him so he could drive in the funeral procession to the cemetery.
Yes, they will think I did all of this because I like doing this type of thing. They couldn't be more wrong, but I have to be fake as hell and act happy. If I don't, my mother is on the phone immediately, telling our family and friends and everyone she knows in that tiny town what a bad person I am and that I am mean to her. They eat it up. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Now I am all fake smiles and sweetness. They have no idea how angry I am.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I do appreciate someone spelling it out like that!
I need to clarify where we are with the above above clipped sections. I do have power of attorney and am listed on all of her accounts. I probably could come up with the cash to "put her in a home" but I would then drain my own savings to continue her care. Her income is not enough. The value of her house will not pay for her care. I fear I'll then have nothing to live on in my own old age, except Social Security. Hence, the feeling if "why stick around?"
Rethinking what I said before, I'm sure the moment she passes away, the relatives will flock to strip her home of anything of value. They did it when a grandparent died. One was bold enough to show up at the funeral with a U-Haul attached to his car. The funeral director unhooked it for him so he could drive in the funeral procession to the cemetery.
Yes, they will think I did all of this because I like doing this type of thing. They couldn't be more wrong, but I have to be fake as hell and act happy. If I don't, my mother is on the phone immediately, telling our family and friends and everyone she knows in that tiny town what a bad person I am and that I am mean to her. They eat it up. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Now I am all fake smiles and sweetness. They have no idea how angry I am.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I do appreciate someone spelling it out like that!
Holy God!! I can't even BEGIN to tell you what I do with a person like that! Humankind never ceases to amaze me.
Can I ask you a question? Was your Mom like this (i.e. reporting your "being mean" to her) prior to her illness? I ask because I was the one who turned on the moon and lit the stars when my Mom was "my Mom", but when Alzheimer's kicked in I was the bad one who was making her sick, posioning her food and water, was some evil stranger, etc. (and yes - the emotional toll THAT takes is WAY worse than the physical toll of lifting her and having to be up day and night in case she bolted out the door). I've alway found that cruel words hurt more than any physical wound.
I admire you. I couldn't keep up the fake smiles and sweetness. Thankfully my neighbors and family KNEW what my Mom was once like. They also knew that there was NO ONE on earth I would hurt less than my Mom, so her accusations were just met with sad nods from them. I don't know if you do this, but I wrote a great deal during it. Not a journal per se. But in emails to really good friends documenting what I was going through. It allowed me to vent. And it made ME feel better to get it out. I also burst into tears with really good friends and neighbors who knew me very well and knew I was a total hard a$$ who NEVER cried. You have GOT to get it out. That sort of stress will eat you up from the inside.
I don't know if this will make sense to you at all, but in exactly one week by Mom will be gone for one year. THIS past year is the hardest year (without her), that I've put in in all my life. I would have her back tomorrow if I could - with all the hardships. I was and am SO lost without her. But for her, I am SO happy she is now at peace and back to her normal wonderful self in heaven and back to the loving Mom who thought I hung the stars. I can feel her presence very strongly sending me healing and she's back to trying to guide me again. God, but I had missed that hand on my shoulder.
Peace out to you, my friend. And if you want to vent - me and all the others on this board are there for you. We've walked this path. And we'll walk it with you too.
I agree completely with everything you said.
I need to clarify where we are with the above above clipped sections. I do have power of attorney and am listed on all of her accounts. I probably could come up with the cash to "put her in a home" but I would then drain my own savings to continue her care. Her income is not enough. The value of her house will not pay for her care. I fear I'll then have nothing to live on in my own old age, except Social Security. Hence, the feeling if "why stick around?"
Rethinking what I said before, I'm sure the moment she passes away, the relatives will flock to strip her home of anything of value. They did it when a grandparent died. One was bold enough to show up at the funeral with a U-Haul attached to his car. The funeral director unhooked it for him so he could drive in the funeral procession to the cemetery.
Yes, they will think I did all of this because I like doing this type of thing. They couldn't be more wrong, but I have to be fake as hell and act happy. If I don't, my mother is on the phone immediately, telling our family and friends and everyone she knows in that tiny town what a bad person I am and that I am mean to her. They eat it up. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Now I am all fake smiles and sweetness. They have no idea how angry I am.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I do appreciate someone spelling it out like that!
Please do NOT use your own money and put your own future at risk. You are I believe making many assumptions that may or may not be true. My Mom has $1400 month in income and including her house had about $100,000 in assets, yet we found a wonderful assisted living that is going to allow her to stay once she runs out of money and goes to Medicaid (although she will have to share an apartment after that). We hired a geriatric case manager to do the legwork for us and find places that would accept her with her finances in our area, then went and looked only at those places. With the economy the way it is, there are many ALF's with many empty apartments, and you may be surprised that you can find a place which will accept her.
Thank you for the kind words and suggestions, cokatie and ocnjgirl. Much to ponder!
To answer your question, cokatie, my mom's personality has always been like this. The "spoiled only child" stuff most certainly did not apply in my case. I can look back now and see that Mom was the spoiled one. Dad and I were there to please her, and if we didn't, she manipulated situations (i.e., take to her bed and stay there for days, or get admitted to the hospital) to such a degree that it was just easier to go along and keep the peace. With my dad's passing, more is expected of me. She has remained unchanged and is not in the least senile. Just a bit selfish.
My mom's monthly income is $1100 a month. Social Security plus a very small pension. I would need to pay the difference from my own retirement funds, and I am ready and able to do that. However, any discussion of her moving to a smaller place, or a place where help would be nearby is met with tears and tantrums. I just don't bring it up any more.
I hear that every damn week, it'll start when she isn't getting her own way, then its" I want to see my money in the bank", now I don't want that much money in the house, so after awhile I just pulled up at the bank & said ok you want to see your money, my mum is standing there & I say to teller give us all but $100 and we'll be re-depositing it in about a ½ hr. the teller just looked at me , so we go into one of those private rooms and I count out all the damn money, "ok, see mum its all here" "now we can't take it home, what if the house catches on fire, then nothing" she finally see's the damn light! My mum is from the old school and used to paying cash for everything.
Every time she needs money we HAVE to go her banks ATM! No she won't use her debit card for any transactions except withdrawals at her damn ATM.
We were just out away from home, I just drove 80mi, we picked up some food to go & I say the ladies room is right back there, she isn't moving... I say what's wrong? she says some gal looked at her funny, I just say "the hell with her go to the ladies room" she still stands there, I say "look I don't want to carry the take out food in the bathroom, finally...comes back & now is all upset because she never seen a ladies room like that with a lock on the outside side door, I have to say there are only locks on the stalls, God only knows where she went.....
we stopped by a grocery store I needed some things and I said there's a bank ATM there. Right away its "NO, I don't trust any other banks!" I mean we're out and about the day is good we are 3 towns away from her bank & she says she needs money! You can't even mention that stores will give you the cash back you want because she thinks the clerk is stealing something! Ahhhhhhhhhhh she doesn't understand everything is computers, the gal counts out the damn money, how is the clerk stealing so as this picture explains after that episode I said to myself FI I'm going home
God I probably look like that bird now, that did it for me, It just came out of my mouth " I'll take you where you want to go but no more going with me to places, I'm tired of all the BS" not one damn enjoyable day with her anymore, she's clinging to me and torturing me That sounds horrible of me doesn't it but you guys here know exactly how I feel.
Selling her place would be a nightmare of its own. It's too big and absolutely packed with things collected over the years. It's value has declined terribly in the recession, plus upgrades to bring it up to current building codes would be expensive and all out of my pocket. I did check on this a few years ago.
As I said, the house is full of all the junk a Depression-era person saves.
Ebay is your friend, especially things collected over the years
When she's gone, the burden of getting rid of all that will fall completely on me. Hopefully, some family will crawl out of the woodwork to carry off some of the stuff.
As for the slavery comment, I get it. Yes, it is a form of slavery, I suppose, but you know what? She doesn't really care. She is clinging to me for all it's worth.
And we're not going to be worth much anymore are we
So, to go back to the original post, I don't really feel like killing myself, but I do fantasize about "being gone". I probably should seek professional psychiatric help. Keeping regular doctors' appointments is difficult when there are always "Mom emergencies" to contend with. I'd hate for this to end up just being another appointment I'd have to cancel at the last minute and pay for missing. I pay out hundreds a year for those last-minute cancellations! (But that's another rant, isn't it?) I ignore a lot of warning signs in my own health because it really would be OK if I just dropped one day. I take my pills because I worry about who would take care of my dog if I died.
I don't either but I think it at least 3-4 days a week but it's just the thought of some damn relief, driving home I was so upset I thought "where are you deer when I need you"
go to your regular doctor or her doctor, the Dr knows damn well how they get, tell him you just can't cope, the Dr should at least rx Xanax, oh hell weed would be wonderful for me right now but I just had to grow up and be responsible, why did I think I needed to grow up that much! it wasn't supposed to be this way..
ER my 2nd home
I don't consider myself a Catholic, for many reasons, but I wish that help was there for my mother. It's just not.
I'm catholic also, what do you call it non practicing? that's why the guilt feelings, oh hell she don't want anyone in the house anyway and its my house
Go light a candle, light the whole damn row, you have to know I'm kidding
I feel guilty, angry, frustrated, pissed off, sad...everything is different now. Bam. My new life of staying home, and celibacy is not working for me. There are "choices", I could leave...where is the big guilt trip?
I don't feel like killing myself, but I feel like my life is over.
Well D I thought I replied to you awhile ago, God forbid if I'm left alone for a few hours to go online.
I feel the same way, I haven't been able to really go anywhere or watch the few programs I watch, I've recorded the whole season of some, I was once the good daughter and now she can't believe I'm her daughter, she don't know its really reversed.
Everything has changed, I'm forgetting things I need to do, my mind is spinning, I'm not eating or sleeping right.
Well D I thought I replied to you awhile ago, God forbid if I'm left alone for a few hours to go online.
I feel the same way, I haven't been able to really go anywhere or watch the few programs I watch, I've recorded the whole season of some, I was once the good daughter and now she can't believe I'm her daughter, she don't know its really reversed.
Everything has changed, I'm forgetting things I need to do, my mind is spinning, I'm not eating or sleeping right.
At least we can vent here
The forgetting things, not eating right and not sleeping right will all eventually self-correct. As I've said before, I did what you're doing now Rural Lady for 3 years. So my heart, prayers and thoughts are with you and all the others currently walking the path I've already completed.
It's a year this past week since my Mom died. So many mixed emotions still. Being a caregiver for any length of time not only takes it out of you physically, mentally and spiritually - but it changes who you were as a person forever. Some of the changes have been good for me:
- I've learned patience - something I was on SERIOUS short supply of in my old life. I whole-heartedly loved my Mom; she was the only one - through this horrible illness - that could have taught me the gift of patience. To learn to walk and talk slower, to answer the same question 100 times daily, to bite my tongue and not correct her that it was actually 2012 and not 1948.
- I've learned how to cry. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused as a teenager in my home. It's why I got the heck out at the age of 18. Because of that abuse I learned never to show weakness - not only to a bully; but to anyone. I had bottled up emotions for decades, and during this time looking after my Mom, in the wee hours of the morning, that lifetime's worth of unshed tears just simply flowed.
- I've learned how to care about someone more than I cared about myself. After years of living on my own around the world, there is no other way to put it: I was a selfish bit*h. Truly. It was all about me. Obviously that had to change almost overnight - and it was hard. I'm a better person today because of these past three years.
- I've learned that strangers can be kinder to you than your own "best" friends or your own family. We all know and have discussed the empty offers of help that those closest to us have expressed to us. For me, it was discovering the lovely check-out woman at Pathmark who seemed to adopt the role of my Guardian Angel. She worked the midnight to 8 am shift and it was only between 1 and 2 a.m. that my Mom would seem to sleep soundly. Thus, that became the time I would run out for the groceries or a pack of smokes - or just to be out and doing something. This woman was so good and kind to me. A complete stranger. Since then I've been actively paying it forward with strangers who I run into. I've even learned (a NYC born and bred girl) to smile back at others who smile at me!
- I've learned to economize. Since I always had a good, well-paying job, I never really gave a thought to what I was buying. Boy, did that all change after 2 years outta work and all my savings gone what with running three homes (my parents' home, my unlived in apartment with a hefty mortgage, mine and my Mother's home in Ireland). Along with that there were all the medical bills and the prescription costs. Lord, but did I have a crash course on how to budget, manage money and find savings at every turn!
I honestly could keep going for a long while yet on all the GOOD things that came of me looking after my Mom during her illness. I want you all to know that I am not some Pollyanna - but that good actually came to me as a result of my caregiving role. My shrink has already told me (and I've seen signs of it) that the memory issues improve as the depression lessens (my depression from the day-in-day-out grind of being a caregiver and then in dealing with the heart wrenching loss of my Mommy and not being someone's baby). It is getting better.
With regards to the sleep, it took me a full year to return to a somewhat normal sleep pattern. I think it's hard for the brain and body to shift out of a "all systems ALERT" mode for any length of time back into a normal routine. But the bliss of normal sleep (with no medication/aids) has slowly returned to me.
My eating pattern is still shot, but I am hoping that starting next week, my "new normal routine" will return me to a normal schedule.
My time on this board will be lessened - but for a good reason finally: After just about 4 years, I am finally returning to work next week! I am SO delighted with myself. With 3 years of caregiving and 1 year of grieving behind me, I am finally seeing - in all its blinding glory - the light at the end of this terrible long tunnel. I always KNEW it was there and that's what kept me going during some of my darkest hours. And now I'm living proof for those of you walking where I was - it IS there, folks.
I've landed the first job I applied for - using no contacts. It was really like serendipity - but I truly know it was my beloved Mommy guiding me and continuing her prayers for me in Heaven that helped me land this job. And to get the job offer on the one year anniversary of her death after being in the interview process for 3 weeks ... WOW! Please God it will all go well and a life of "normality" will once again be mine. And that is my wish for all you folks in the midst of your role as caregivers: Not for all of you to win the lottery (which you ALL well deserve) - But for a return someday to your Normal Life. To be the new, improved people that I hope all of you will become through this trial you are now enduring.
Peace out to each and every one of you. Please know that all of you WILL remain in my thoughts and prayers as I hope I will in yours.
best of luck to you CoKatie, you been through a lot and I empathize with you. your story sounds so much like mines and I thank you for your private messages that you sent me after the death of my mom that I mention in a few post on here. its your turn now my friend so from this day on enjoy the rest of your life, be happy and be blessed. and for your faithfulness something special is coming your way God have a blessing in store for you.
I need to clarify where we are with the above above clipped sections. I do have power of attorney and am listed on all of her accounts. I probably could come up with the cash to "put her in a home" but I would then drain my own savings to continue her care. Her income is not enough. The value of her house will not pay for her care. I fear I'll then have nothing to live on in my own old age, except Social Security. Hence, the feeling if "why stick around?"
Rethinking what I said before, I'm sure the moment she passes away, the relatives will flock to strip her home of anything of value. They did it when a grandparent died. One was bold enough to show up at the funeral with a U-Haul attached to his car. The funeral director unhooked it for him so he could drive in the funeral procession to the cemetery.
Yes, they will think I did all of this because I like doing this type of thing. They couldn't be more wrong, but I have to be fake as hell and act happy. If I don't, my mother is on the phone immediately, telling our family and friends and everyone she knows in that tiny town what a bad person I am and that I am mean to her. They eat it up. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Now I am all fake smiles and sweetness. They have no idea how angry I am.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I do appreciate someone spelling it out like that!
It's been a while since you posted, but I just wanted to tell you that Medicaid will pay for a bed in a nursing home. It's a pain to apply for it, but the nursing home can help you, or your local Department of Aging office can help.
Your mom sounds like an unbalanced tyrant. You're good to take care of her, but you shouldn't have to be abused.
Thanks, Marlow. I have checked into it and I know Medicaid is there as an option. I also understand the "spending down" required by the state. At this point, she will never voluntarily go to a nursing home. Or even assisted living. So I wait for her to fall down and break something. Terrible to say, but that's the impasse we have reached.
I also admit that inertia and just sort of coping one day at a time have prevented me from taking any action. I keep thinking of the massive cleanout of her house that will be needed, and I'll be the only one to do it, and it's just paralyzing. The house is packed with 90-plus years of accumulated stuff.
I feel like I just drift from one day to the next and the next, focusing on getting her to her appointments and doing all the things she needs so I can go to bed.
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, so we go into one of those private rooms and I count out all the damn money, "ok, see mum its all here" "now we can't take it home, what if the house catches on fire, then nothing" she finally see's the damn light! My mum is from the old school and used to paying cash for everything.
so as this picture explains after that episode I said to myself FI I'm going home
That sounds horrible of me doesn't it but you guys here know exactly how I feel.
I ignore a lot of warning signs in my own health because it really would be OK if I just dropped one day. I take my pills because I worry about who would take care of my dog if I died. 
