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I keep finding more and more thing wrong. I didn't look into her eyes the last day. The way she was positioned on the couch, I'd have had to get on the floor to do so.
I just pet her and noticed she was wheezing and not purring. I just soaked up the time I had left petting her, taking her outside a little bit, but I never looked in her eyes!
:-(.
The night before I did from a distance. Her inside her cave. How odd. Why didn't I get to where I could look at her face/in her eyes?
And now all I see is her unconscious eyes. :-(. That went on too long - ugh. I had a hard time giving the order for the second shot.
I have one flash where she was curled up on the table. She kept turning away, though, so I didn't get to stare into her beautiful green eyes before the first shot.
She looked at me from her cave - not her normal head up ready to come to me when I said her name look.
It didn't say 'I'm ready to die' either. I don't think it said anything. She didn't feel good, but still kept her eyes on me.
I should have sat in front of her cave, too. IDK why I fumbled this so badly. I guess I was having a hard time coping with her condition and not sure what was right - she didn't want to ply or for me to mess with her.
I got mad at Nicki today for playing with Hobby's toy. It's been weeks since she touched it though.
I didn't see her decline. There are good and not so good days with FIP. I thought it was just a string of not so good days.
But it turns out I should have checked her temp and gotten to Vet sooner. They think her fever had been there for a while, just hadn't spiked until the night I found her lethargic.
They keep saying there is nothing I could have done to save her, but I'm not sure about that. :-(.
She was walking slowly. I didn't know to check for fever :-(. Not playing was not unusual. She hardly ever did, but I should have noticed how long she went w/o playing AT ALL.
Not even a quick spin of the toy with the ball.
I just kept watching her and waiting to see her perk up. I know too late, that many bad days in a row warranted a trip to Vet.
They SWEAR it would not have done any good. That FIP had come to claim her and that was that.
I hope I didn't fail her. I hope it's true nothing could have been done.
I didn't get her temp taken on day I made decision! What if it was down? But she was just lying there. And wheezing. Vet tech from hospital said that cat was dying and I did the right thing. I think they thought I should do it sooner. But Vets rotate there so I got mixed messages throught the week. I am actually sorry I put her through Hospital, but that is only with hindsight, knowing it didn't help. She was poked and prodded and syringe fed for 6 days and she got sick of it. Pulled her cath out.
IDK why she ate when they first put her in cage. With a fever over 106. But she wouldn't eat much after that. Not enough to do w/o syringe feeding. Just little nibbles, that gave us hope.
oh no. Another attack of what if. She followed me onto patio and got in my lap. kneaded. then went to her patio pillow.
So many sad moments. Trying to get behind the TV either to hide or to be in window. Stuff was in her way, so she turned around. I should have moved it for her.
She had such trouble walking, if it was important enough for her to walk, I should have helped her with what she wanted.
I really did so poorly that last night and day. Not getting down on her level and seeing what she needed to be more comfortable.
I just "lost" a post to you that took almost an hour to compose. I don't want to let your grief go unanswered (by me) for even a moment longer … so … briefly for now …
Unless someone has experienced FIP themselves, they just can't understand the chaotic emotional hell you are going through. I was lucky, Alfredo didn't/doesn't have FIP. He IS Slowly dying from other causes .. causes that are somehow more easily understood/expected, and it Does make a world of difference in my ability to cope.
I/we will continue to be here for you, but I Really think you need to also be on a site specific, FIP site, Unless someone has experienced FIP themselves, they just can't understand the chaotic emotional hell you are going through.
The AustFIPSupport Group was originally created for cat owners, breeders, veterinarians and researchers to share experiences, exchange information and find support when their feline companions have been diagnosed or are suspected of having Feline Infectious Peritonitis(FIP). The recognition that testing protocols differed between countries and having access to information within the Australian context was a key factor in the creation of this group. It is still the case that misinformation is often circulated about FIP and this continues to be unhelpful for those seeking answers.
Since this group was set up in 2005 there has been some progress in understanding this complex disease however effective treatments and diagnostic tools are still limited and there is much more research needed. Many of those who find this site do so through the Facebook FIP Cat Support group the originator of that facebook group has shown tireless commitment to this cause and has been kind enough to pass on the latest information in FIP research.
This group is not monitored on a regular basis and is no longer moderated so please post responsibly!
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Founded :May 14, 2005
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My sister explained to me, something that I hadn't considered (even though, she reminded me, that I had the same fear) that you are possibly "afraid" to talk to Hobby, that she will tell you that you didn't do things correctly, or that you let her down …. cats are more perceptive, and understand us, more than we understand them … You gave her the most loving, and difficult, gift a person can give to their companion, you did what SHE needed you to do, you gave her a [different] life, one without pain.
There were things that happened just as Saber was injected, that made me question whether I did the right thing, at the Right time. Having 3 1/2 years to replay those last moments, they now seem less like an indictment of how I handled that situation … and more like something "that happens" ... not Just to me/Saber.
BUT
I'm still just as sure today, as I was then, that Saber asked to be set free from his pain … and when I ask him did he want:
"Saber kitty night night?
"Saber kitty bye bye?
He sighed, smiled, and relaxed, knowing that I understood, and that I would find the strength to do what he needed me to do.
I hope I didn't make her feel like I didn't care or that she wasn't worth it. Because I did and she was. IDK why I wasn't there for her the last night :-(. It's horrible of me. Inexcusable.
There were things that happened just as Saber was injected, that made me question whether I did the right thing, at the Right time. Having 3 1/2 years to replay those last moments, they now seem less like an indictment of how I handled that situation … and more like something "that happens" ... not Just to me/Saber.
BUT
I'm still just as sure today, as I was then, that Saber asked to be set free from his pain … and when I ask him did he want:
"Saber kitty night night?
"Saber kitty bye bye?
He sighed, smiled, and relaxed, knowing that I understood, and that I would find the strength to do what he needed me to do.
I don't think I did it right. I told her I was letting her go to heaven so she would suffer no longer. I didn't ask her.
I told her this as she lay perpendicular to me. She was resting on a pillow, lethargic. Wheezing. I never got down on the floor to face her and talk to her/ask her anything.
I just failed SO BADLY after bringing home from hospital. IDK why.
When visiting in hospital, it was so obvious I needed to get on the floor. She was scared and confused in that room.
She got into my lap and kneaded and laid down. And then she wanted me to hold her. With her paws cluthing my shoulder.
IDK why I didn't know I needed to do this at home! It's driving me nuts.
They said if she didn't eat and tried to hide it was time to go.
So I clinically watched her try to go to BR to hide. And shut the door in her face. And then she tried the closet. Again, I closed the door in her face. And then walked out of the room in shock and grief that it was her time.
I went to deal with MY feelings instead of hers. I am a total ****.
She had laid down on a towel in the bathroom as her final choice if she couldn't have the others. She followed me out, though, and got on her bed in here. I should have sat with her in the bathroom.
Or at least when she followed me out here.
Now I'm not sure if she was ready to go or if she thought I was ready for her to.
She was burning up. I was afraid she'd have terrible seizure and die a horrid painful death if I did not act right-quick to the signs they told me to heed.
Since she followed me so quickly, I think now she settled in bathroom because she thought that is where I was going to be. But then had to follow me. And I still didn't give her my attention. ugh.
There were things that happened just as Saber was injected, that made me question whether I did the right thing, at the Right time. Having 3 1/2 years to replay those last moments, they now seem less like an indictment of how I handled that situation … and more like something "that happens" ... not Just to me/Saber.
BUT
I'm still just as sure today, as I was then, that Saber asked to be set free from his pain … and when I ask him did he want:
"Saber kitty night night?
"Saber kitty bye bye?
He sighed, smiled, and relaxed, knowing that I understood, and that I would find the strength to do what he needed me to do.
She stayed in my arms in the seat at the Vet's and I told her what we were doing and why. Seconds before the tech came in, she climbed up on the table herself. I felt like she was saying 'please. I'm ready'.
Now I wonder if she just thought she was getting fluids to feel better like we did the day before.
But her fever had been over 104 for over a week. Surely I did the right thing. The Vet tech vehemently said that I did. I hope she is right.
I didn't even check before PTS if her temp had maybe dropped. The wheezing was really scary at that point. And no more purring :-(
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