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These are the EXACT discussions I have had with my "yankee" hubby! Being from St Louis, and then spending his entire career in Kansas City (except internship/residency wh/ was in NYC) hubby comes across as "abrupt" in situations such as you mentioned. It is just the way life has always been for him in a big, crowded, impersonal metro.
He has "softened" his natural inclinations to do just what you said - get ticked off w/ the delay and rush out. Now, he sees things as moving more slowly and not as so much a personal affront or lack of professionalism on the other person's part. He deals with things like you explained and finds folks are very receptive and understanding.
When he gets what a Southerner would see as "huffy" I remind him where he is and he takes a deep breath and changes his demeanor. It isn't like he is a disagreeable person! He is a real gentleman, but the culture IS different here. He has learned to shift gears, one might say.
Maybe I just need to find me a nice Southern gal to keep me inline...if I do...or when I do get out of line...lol..
You just haven't found the right folks to hang out with, NyMet. (I am a Yankees fan, btw, but I won't hold it against you, hee hee).
If you were with me and I felt like you were doing something socially unacceptable (for ex: being too "in yer face") I would just tell ya, and would expect you to do the same for me should I be with you when you were "back home" and I didn't understand something about the local culture you grew up with.
Here is an example of where things get completely off track with newcomers vs. locals.
My parents live in a neighborhood with probably 1/2 newcomers. There is one couple from Long Island who have lived in the neighborhood about 2 years. They have 2 small dogs and walk them 2 x a day. They let their dogs poop in everyone's yard along the way and do not clean up behind them! So my parents are very upset about it. And they are elderly and they can't get out there and bend over and scoop poop daily, nor should they have to (they don't have a dog).
But no one approaches the folks from LI cause they are very abrupt with the neighbors when anyone has tried to talk to them, so no one wants to start a neighborhood issue over their bad habits.
I am going to try to be there when I see them walking their dogs and allowing them to poop in my parent's yard, cause I will simply go out there, confront them and tell them straight on that this is unacceptable and that I am going to start collecting the poop and putting in on their driveway if it doesn't cease.
And that is exactly what I will do.
Passive aggressive behavior would be to collect the poop and put it on their driveway without confronting the folks.
My parents would never confront these folks b/c basically, Southerners do not get confrontational over issues that have to do with "socially acceptable behavior." In other words, in their mind, anyone who would do something that thoughtless is a person who is beyond reasoning with - as no one with any manners or breeding would ever do such a tacky, thoughtless, nasty thing as let their dogs poop in someone else's yard daily.
So there is a difference in sensibilities b/n cultures. I personally suspect if I confront the LI folks and tell them that this is unacceptable and they need to cut it out . . . they will cut it out, lol.
Does that make any sense at all? There is just a difference in the way folks approach each other here . . . and sometimes things get very mixed up in the translation of all that.
Actually makes 100 percent sense....maybe I just needed to be schooled....
Maybe I just need to find me a nice Southern gal to keep me inline...if I do...or when I do get out of line...lol..
There ya go!
But I have a feeling you are too hard on yourself . . . I suspect you just haven't been around the right people who appreciate your enthusiasm for your work and for life, in general.
These are the EXACT discussions I have had with my "yankee" hubby! Being from St Louis, and then spending his entire career in Kansas City (except internship/residency wh/ was in NYC) hubby comes across as "abrupt" in situations such as you mentioned. It is just the way life has always been for him in a big, crowded, impersonal metro.
He has "softened" his natural inclinations to do just what you said - get ticked off w/ the delay and rush out. Now, he sees things as moving more slowly and not as so much a personal affront or lack of professionalism on the other person's part. He deals with things like you explained and finds folks are very receptive and understanding.
When he gets what a Southerner would see as "huffy" I remind him where he is and he takes a deep breath and changes his demeanor. It isn't like he is a disagreeable person! He is a real gentleman, but the culture IS different here. He has learned to shift gears, one might say.
LOL - I lapse all the time!! But I'm trying... your husband gives me hope.
Sometimes my wife gives me that look and I don't find out what I did until we get in the parking lot.
I do disagree with the premise that basic politeness and having respect for one's neighbors is a monopoly of a certain region or culture and where they are from will dictate this. Same for the lack of these qualities. I once lived next to a very Southern woman whose life was out of control who would let her dog out the front door that would then head straight to my yard and drop off a big steaming pile. I cleaned it up a couple of times, but once I had my fill of this, I went over, told her what was going on and that was the end of it.
The point is that making assumptions on why it was happening (just divorced and couldn't handle it, or similarly, from somewhere else, different race, just plain stupid etc) and getting angry over it would not have have changed what happened or would have fixed things. Clearly she didn't know, was very apologetic, and fixed it. It's natural to want to get upset and angry in these situations, but It comes from the very unreasonable expectation of people not having the behavior that we want them to have.
This is grea stuff! I am sorry for all if I was coming off like a Jack ass...was not my intention...
Totally understand. And you DID hit on some very good observations. How we process what we see when we are interacting with others is definitely affected by where we grew up, what the culture was like, what was acceptable behavior, what we just "assume" certain things mean . . .
My hubby has said many times that he feels a lot of behavior he sees here is passive aggressive, for ex., and I have to agree with him. On the other hand, I think he sometimes thinks folks are being PA when actually, they are "holding back" b/c they think it is "rude" to be straight forward - and would consider it bad manners and confrontational to call attention to the other person's behavior.
Originally Posted by lumbollo It was a joke Son. (to use a quote from a very famous Southerner).
that wouldn't be Foghorn Leghorn, would it ?
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