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Here is the absolute truth about NC and the South . . . and you are hearing it from an NC native who moved to the midwest in 1992 . . . and ended up back here in 2002. All the things wh/ are making you uncomfortable - from allergies to "gossip" - are not your imagination. I suffered from severe allergies and chronic sinus infections until I moved away from here . . . and promptly got ill and have remained sick (to some degree!) since moving back. As for the culture, Southerners will say you are a Yankee and just don't GET IT (and have no couth) but having grown up immersed in the culture - I assure you - Southerners are as fickle, gossipy, judgmental and catty as you suspect they are. (with few exceptions)
I grew up learning to adapt and I was very good at it!!! I knew I couldn't walk out of my house w/o being dressed properly (much less w/o makeup!!!) I wore the "right" jewelry and carried expensive designer purses and made sure I drove an impressive auto (preferably, BMW or Benz). I didn't realize til I had lived for a while in Kansas City (suburbs) that I had been raised in a culture that "wears its wealth" and has deeply ingrained social structures and terms that an outsider would never know how to negotiate. There is a "code" here that has to do w/ who your daddy is, where your husband works, what club you belong to, where your children go/went to school - and OH! - the ever important - "where do you go to church?" (Catholics need not apply - period). Southerners will be polite to you but you will never be allowed "in" - you are not a Southerner!!!! (Of course, we will be glad to let you into our volunteer organizations as long as you can write out big checks to support our goals).
I loved KCMO - Despite my family all living here - I came back kicking and crying. I miss the straight forward, no-b.s. manners of midwesterners - plus my allergies nearly went away!!! Added bonus!!! I did not OWN a pair of jeans when I left NC . . . I "got over" my need to "wear my wealth" once I discovered midwesterners DID NOT CARE. Neither did they care where I attended (or didn't attend!) church; they bought their cars for practicality (salt is hard on cars!!!); and the emphasis was on education - not on what club I belonged to.
I could go on and on. My family is pre-Revolutionary War on BOTH sides = so I have relatives in this state that number in the thousands. Southerners have had generations of training to hide reality - you will never really know what goes on in someone's family - Southerners spin "tales" about their lives b/c no one wants to admit to their own families (much less their neighbors/coworkers) that they are not as successful (or their kids are not as smart) as Cousin Joe's or Aunt Lillie's family. Pretense is reality here. You are how you look. You ARE your car, your house, your clothing, your church.
If you are a midwesterner - and are catholic - it is my impression that St. Matthews in S. CLT has a lot of members from the midwest - so you might check that out . . . and if you can live in a newer neighborhood - I think you will find a lot of people from areas outside CLT.
You may never adjust to being here. You will do better if you don't even try to get to know Southerners very well b/c you are not FAMILY and you will never really be part of this "closed society" - so find other newcomers from different areas . . . buy sudafed and keep it on hand, LOL, and go to the beach whenever you can make the break (that will help your allergies for a few days!!!) I have had to accept - this is not KCMO and so no more smooth jazz radio station much less neat jazz clubs to go to on the weekends . . . CLT overall is not safe at nite (check out the crime rate). . . Southern women consider shopping (clothes, jewelry, makeup and home decor) to be one's highest pursuit in life. You are just not going to find many of the things you liked about the midwest. Learn to love James Taylor, take up golf and just keep smiling . . . you will eventually run into someone else who feels displaced . . . and make a new friend!
I agree and disagree with things in your post, anifani.
As far as the bizarre and unusual 'social codes' in the south (i.e. what not to say, what not to wear, etc.), that definitely exists among the wealthier 1/3 or so of the population. But at the same time, I know plenty of rich, prissy southern girls that will go deer hunting, drink beer, go crazy about SEC football, etc. And, there are plenty of rednecks out there that couldn't care less what anyone thinks, and aren't afraid to say it.
And I really don't think that southerners are more materialistic than other parts of the country. Think about it.. South Florida? Long Island? Southern California? DC? Boston? Charlotte may be up there with them, but it's completely unfair to say that the south is more materialistic than the aforementioned places. On a side note, both Charlotte and Atlanta are notorious for having a huge "Yuppie" population, many of which moved from the North/Midwest/West Coast.
You make some great points, anon. And you are right - I was coming from the perspective of that old code that delineates "new money" from "old money," LOL - and probably used too broad a brush stroke . . . Your comments are valid - lots of "prissy southern girls" carry their own 45's, stomp around in the woods , and drink beer (myself included), even if they have a closet full of designer clothing back home. And consumerism is not exclusive to Charlotte, even tho I am continually surprised that the most typical thing I ever hear anyone suggest to do for entertainment is go for lunch and shop at Southpark Mall. (Hey - maybe I am just out of touch - maybe that is universal and I am showing my ignorance about common and acceptable female bonding rites, LOL)
The south is not more materialistic than other areas - and you definitely are right about that, too . . . and perhaps people try as hard in other areas to impress w/ the illusion that they have more money than they really do (right car, right house, right clothes, etc). (That is what I object to here - such an emphasis put on the illusion). I caught that show - what's the name? "Housewives of Orange Co" -??? - have you ever seen it? preoccupation w/ money and the trappings of wealth (but the ladies do appear to be having a lot of fun!!!) I just didn't see this attitude while in the midwest even tho I lived in one of the wealthier counties in the US (Johnson Co, KS). I was surrounded by very kind people in a lovely neighborhood (not unlike S. CLT) and people were just not into displaying their wealth, whether w/ cars, jewelry, designer clothing, etc. The biggest thing people poured money into - their own educations and their kids' educations. I was very impressed with that. Not to say Southerners are uneducated or even disinterested in education . . . we are blessed in NC to have wonderful public universities w/ bargain tuition rates at that. (One reason to live in NC - take advantage of this opportunity for your kids).
Maybe my experience is not typical b/c my life has been so colored by my family and the expectations that have gone along w/ that (family expectations - not mine).
I guess my point should be - living in the midwest was a refreshing, breath of fresh air experience for me. People were very straight forward and no coded language or unexpressed expectations. Maybe a non-Southerner would not even NOTICE the difference - but it was so marked to me b/c I had lived my entire life w/in a very different system of rules and behaviors (wh/ had seemed hypocritcal and exclusive to me even while conforming).
I appreciate what you wrote, anon, and agree that what I wrote did not paint the whole picture. I am a writer by profession - and I assure you, if I knew how to truly paint the entire picture . . . I would be finishing up the Great Southern Novel, LOL. (Move over Pat Conroy!!!) It is a complex landscape . . . Thanks for your insight . . .
Anifani-I agree with so much of your post, you are right on. When I moved here, I could not believe how many people portayed themselves so superficially, and how so many make shopping their primary hobby! It is so funny to me how many plastic surgery places there are here, and how many boob jobs I see everywhere, you would never see that in Milwaukee to that degree. Luckily for me, I have made a lot of new friends, that are mostly Europeans, Latinos, and other Midwesterners, that helps keep me sane. I am going to give it two more years here, and if I am still single, then I will probably move to Chicago, where the guy to girl ratio is more favorable, LOL! I hear you about the jazz clubs too, I really miss the smooth jazz radio stations, and live jazz events that we used to have in Milwaukee.
I just wanted to say that some of us moved down here to support a husbands job change. I am a military brat so I am used to living all over and my mom is from New Orleans so I have relatives down south. So I know what everything was like. But I do miss Ohio. Sorry I do. But like I said I am very new to the area and on the job hunt. So I will let it grow on me before I pass to much judgement on it.
And I still miss PA....... Things will work out the way they are meant to, you'll see..... Hope all your kin came through the storm ok.
Here is the absolute truth about NC and the South . . . and you are hearing it from an NC native who moved to the midwest in 1992 . . . and ended up back here in 2002. All the things wh/ are making you uncomfortable - from allergies to "gossip" - are not your imagination. I suffered from severe allergies and chronic sinus infections until I moved away from here . . . and promptly got ill and have remained sick (to some degree!) since moving back. As for the culture, Southerners will say you are a Yankee and just don't GET IT (and have no couth) but having grown up immersed in the culture - I assure you - Southerners are as fickle, gossipy, judgmental and catty as you suspect they are. (with few exceptions)
I grew up learning to adapt and I was very good at it!!! I knew I couldn't walk out of my house w/o being dressed properly (much less w/o makeup!!!) I wore the "right" jewelry and carried expensive designer purses and made sure I drove an impressive auto (preferably, BMW or Benz). I didn't realize til I had lived for a while in Kansas City (suburbs) that I had been raised in a culture that "wears its wealth" and has deeply ingrained social structures and terms that an outsider would never know how to negotiate. There is a "code" here that has to do w/ who your daddy is, where your husband works, what club you belong to, where your children go/went to school - and OH! - the ever important - "where do you go to church?" (Catholics need not apply - period). Southerners will be polite to you but you will never be allowed "in" - you are not a Southerner!!!! (Of course, we will be glad to let you into our volunteer organizations as long as you can write out big checks to support our goals).
I loved KCMO - Despite my family all living here - I came back kicking and crying. I miss the straight forward, no-b.s. manners of midwesterners - plus my allergies nearly went away!!! Added bonus!!! I did not OWN a pair of jeans when I left NC . . . I "got over" my need to "wear my wealth" once I discovered midwesterners DID NOT CARE. Neither did they care where I attended (or didn't attend!) church; they bought their cars for practicality (salt is hard on cars!!!); and the emphasis was on education - not on what club I belonged to.
I could go on and on. My family is pre-Revolutionary War on BOTH sides = so I have relatives in this state that number in the thousands. Southerners have had generations of training to hide reality - you will never really know what goes on in someone's family - Southerners spin "tales" about their lives b/c no one wants to admit to their own families (much less their neighbors/coworkers) that they are not as successful (or their kids are not as smart) as Cousin Joe's or Aunt Lillie's family. Pretense is reality here. You are how you look. You ARE your car, your house, your clothing, your church.
If you are a midwesterner - and are catholic - it is my impression that St. Matthews in S. CLT has a lot of members from the midwest - so you might check that out . . . and if you can live in a newer neighborhood - I think you will find a lot of people from areas outside CLT.
You may never adjust to being here. You will do better if you don't even try to get to know Southerners very well b/c you are not FAMILY and you will never really be part of this "closed society" - so find other newcomers from different areas . . . buy sudafed and keep it on hand, LOL, and go to the beach whenever you can make the break (that will help your allergies for a few days!!!) I have had to accept - this is not KCMO and so no more smooth jazz radio station much less neat jazz clubs to go to on the weekends . . . CLT overall is not safe at nite (check out the crime rate). . . Southern women consider shopping (clothes, jewelry, makeup and home decor) to be one's highest pursuit in life. You are just not going to find many of the things you liked about the midwest. Learn to love James Taylor, take up golf and just keep smiling . . . you will eventually run into someone else who feels displaced . . . and make a new friend!
Good luck.
Amen Sister!! In Raleigh it's called "inside the beltline" a superior assumption of how one THINKS they should behave,dress,live etc. It's all very phony. All places do not like outsiders and NC is no exception.
I know it's much later, but I just had to give a big AMEN to anifani even if it is years later. So it was still an accurate reflection in 2011.
I lived in Charlotte, NC for many years and it's very hypocritical there. They go to church, but I don't see many true Christians there as they're very pretentious and gossipy. They were big judgers (what church do you go to, etc.) and don't let many into their circle unless there is private gain on their part. Just be careful and pay attention.
I do believe in adapting to where you move to or at least try to do as Romans do, but it didn't seem to matter there - if you're an outsider or a "Yankee" then you're already on the blacklist so seek out trusted people (outsiders) that you can trust to do work in your house, etc. If you get an outrageous estimate for work... uh yeah if it sounds ridiculous, then it probably is! Get a second opinion from a "trusted" source.
Not "everyone" is like that there, but unfortunately most I met were from my experience. I hope other transplants fair much better than I did.
Charlotte is a beautiful city and one of the cleanest I've ever seen, but the cowardly "spit in your food when you're not lookin" mentality was too much for me. Some say they do it so you will leave... well for me it was "GLADLY!" I'll take my money with me too.
OH and one more thing - almost every single Southerner/business contractor (real estate agent, HVAC contractors, landscaper, shop owners, etc.) always said they had relatives that were from up North and I think their chosen state is Michigan. It's a total lie. They think we'll warm up to them if they have roots up there... little do they know that once we find out you lose all credibility as where I'm from we don't deal with phony people or people that tell lies. I wish they knew that if you were just a good person that would be good enough for us. So sad.
Wow! I find it hard to believe that some think NC or "The South" corners the market on superficial materialism and feelings of having to compete with the neighbors down the street. I'm originally from Louisiana, but have lived in Michigan for the past 13 years. I can assure you here in Michigan you will find those who gossip, judge you by what church you attend, car you drive (better drive a new "domestic"), mall where you shop, neighborhood or what side of town you live in, if you carry designer purses. The reality is we need to ignore all of that and certainly not get caught up in the game. Our security, faith, and view of self needs to be grounded in Christ. I'm sorry y'all have had such bad experiences in the south.
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Things will work out the way they are meant to, you'll see.....
Hope all your kin came through the storm ok.
So true
