Transplant's angry families (Raleigh, Washington, Catawba: fit in, new home, neighborhoods)

[NCyank]

Well that's it. We need a support group for folks who have moved and have since been abandoned by their families and friends. I always thought we were alone in that we had to 'find' new family and friends wherever we have moved because ours had abandoned us. My kids have had surrogate grandparents and playmates instead of cousins but we've always done the best we could to be at home where we were. It saddens me to know others have had similar experiences and it saddens me to know what our loved ones have missed out on.

[Jackie2008]

I had to write since this sounded so familiar to me years ago. I currently live in Northeast PA, near Scranton. I am looking to move to the Carolinas, preferably SC, but, who knows. Anyway, I was laid off from my job on January 5. It was in my chosen field but I was miserable there. I think it was God's way of saying, "time to move on." It gave me the open door I needed to see that I have to do what was best for me, not someone else. Things were never booming in this area and will get worse now for sure. But, if you told me that I'd be living here in my mid-30's when I was younger, I would have said you were crazy. Well, life happened. Both of my parents are deceased and I'm only child. My parents didn't have a happy marriage and my mother clung to me. She developed lung cancer in 1995 and in 1996, I sent my resume to a place in NJ. I had a really good feeling about the job but my mother said, "don't leave me." She always said she'd move with me. Of course, I let guilt get me and stayed. However, I was glad I stayed because a few months later she died. My dad died in 2002 but would totally understand and told people in my family that I had to do what was best for me. I landed my last job right after he died and had a great couple of years, so I put moving on hold. I have a cousin, an only child too, who grew up in the Philly area. She was accepted to Oxford in England. She went and is living there, married with 5 kids. Her mother told me that although she misses her terribly, she couldn't hold her back. They come over here quite a bit to visit (more vacation time).

I'm living in the house I grew up and will cry like a baby when I sell. I do have fear of the unknown but I have had so many friends tell me that I'll be here the rest of my life if I don't do something soon. It is a beautiful area and I do have family and friends, but, it is about survival which I have to keep reminding myself. What is it going to look like here in 20 years? Scary thought Bottom line: you have to do what is right for yourself. I feel so much better reading all of these posts, even though I'm not really dealing with that now. BTW, to an earlier post, yes I believe there is something in the water in PA That is why we are leaving or have already left. Thanks for listening to my long rant.

[southbound_295]

I've avoided posting on this up to now.

My father is about to turn 90, & may have trained some of your family members on the fine art of putting the screws to family members. When he attacked me when I said I was moving, I'd had enough & told him that he had no right to pass judgement when at a minimum he should tell me good luck. (I should have said it 20 years before.)

What did surprise me was how angry most of my (long-time) friends got.

Oh well...

[Maria Overcash]

I moved to Charlotte from upstate NY 16 years ago and I know what you are going through. My mother and several friends said the same thing to me. What I found out after I was here for several years is that people didn't want me to leave. Not sure why they just couldn't come out and say that. I love it here and wouldn't move back to NY for anything.

[chicagocubs]

This thread is unbelievable. I am astonished that so many others have experienced the same thing that I have! I find myself explaining my family to others (usually folks from the south) with the preface: northern families are different. This thread really underscores that!

Just to add a sad note...in May, it will be one year since my brother died. He lived in the Detroit area for many, many years. I had never been to see him (but, wasn't invited either) nor did he come here...although I invited him often. He was divorced from his first wife and his kids lived in the Chicago area. Did not see them since he was divorced, and, honestly, never contacted them either. (not that they or their mother contacted me) When Eddie died, my son and I went to the funeral in Arbor Hills (MI). My youngest niece had to introduce herself to me!! I had not seen her since she was about 2!! (she is in her mid thirties now) Obviously, she did not know my son, either. My son and I had met up with my oldest niece a few years back. None of them had ever met my youngest son.

So, here we have a life that was cut short by a massive stroke and countless years of anger never resolved. The majority of the people at that funeral did not even know Eddie had a sister. I caught a few off guard because we looked so much alike, it was rather eerie, especially since they did not know that I existed. I am now trying to get to know my nieces better and establish a relationship with them. (Facebook helps!) But, there are a lot of lost years that will never be regained. I don't know that we will ever become "close".

Word of advice: Yes, your family is hurting you. Yes, it is a BAD situation. But, please don't let 30 years go by without doing your part at trying to mend the situation. Don't wait for someone to die before trying to build/retain a relationship. Take a lesson from our southern friends. Family is everything. nothing can/should change that.

[ohioaninsc]

I guess I was lucky, but my family has always known I am very independent...I went to college, at Ohio State which was about 2 & half hrs away from the Eastern Cleveland burbs where I grew up, but, I didn't come home at all my first quarter until Thanksgiving...then b/c of my part time job, I didn't leave campus for winter break until the day b4 Christmas...I was like that all through college...then I stayed in Columbus, OH for a few years, and I only went home once or twice outside of Christmas and Thanksgiving...I basically told my parent, who were divorced by then, that if they wanted me to come up outside of those 2 holidays, they had to recipricate and come down to Columbus (125 miles away) for a weekend...after not having that done, I stopped going up....they finally relented and came down, and saw why I liked Columbus much better than the dead rustbelt city of Cleveland...then a few years ago, I got my job offer to move down here, and got myself altogether out of the depressing state of OH...again I told them, what the deal was...that b/c of my limited vacation time, especially compared to theirs, I would only go up for Christmas...otherwise, if they want me to visit, they first have to come visit me...last year, they came down here twice, so, I made the effort to go up there twice outside of Christmas...this year we'll see, though I will make a special consideration for my brother's wedding in July, but they have to pay for my hotel and for my travel expenses. And, my brother is actually going to come down w/ some friends a couple of weeks before hand for his batchelor party which I had told him as his best man, if he wants me to throw him a batchelor party, he will have to come down here b/c I don't want to waste a lot of my vacation time this year especially since I have a ski trip next week to UT, and have a trip to Hawaii planned in Aug.

[NCyank]

Originally Posted by chicagocubs

This thread is unbelievable. I am astonished that so many others have experienced the same thing that I have! I find myself explaining my family to others (usually folks from the south) with the preface: northern families are different. This thread really underscores that!

I was wondering if this was a north-south type of thing because most of the posters who have been abandoned seem to be from the north (with PA starring in the thread...LOL).

Sorry about your brother. In my case my family is still very much in contact and we all get along. We talk on the phone and e-mail, send each other Christmas gifts, we just don't see each other IRL.

[BrianH1970]

Originally Posted by NCyank

I was wondering if this was a north-south type of thing because most of the posters who have been abandoned seem to be from the north (with PA starring in the thread...LOL).

That's probably more to do with who's migrated to where. If you had southerners migrating north, you'll probably see a lot of similar posts in that instance.

[mcuzino]

My wife and I moved from Philadelphia PA. We were told from family that the south will hate us. They are all racist and will not accept Northerners. Well not only were they ssoooooo wrong once they visited us and saw what this place has to offer they just bought a place in Sun City.

Some people are just scared of change or jealous when someones tries to better themselves.

Good for you, like we say you have to look out for yourself and thats all that matters. I would never have been able to afford the house I have here up north.

[BrianH1970]

Originally Posted by mcuzino

My wife and I moved from Philadelphia PA. We were told from family that the south will hate us. They are all racist and will not accept Northerners. Well not only were they ssoooooo wrong once they visited us and saw what this place has to offer they just bought a place in Sun City.

Some people are just scared of change or jealous when someones tries to better themselves.

Good for you, like we say you have to look out for yourself and thats all that matters. I would never have been able to afford the house I have here up north.
If you want some good info on the area I love this site.

DIG Charlotte

Pretty good with the not-so-subtle spamming of the digcharlotte website.