Transplant's angry families

[anifani821]

Well, as for Southerners and these patterns . . . here is my take on it and I feel I am about as Southern (or at least - NC Southern) as anyone can get, with a huge extended family, both sides having come here in the early to mid 1700s.

A recent Pew study shows that Texas and NC natives do not leave the state (or they eventually return home) more often than any other residents of the USA. Natives who stay in Texas - about 76% and those who stay in NC - about 71 %. I am the perfect example of a native who left - but came home. In fact, amongst oldtimers in this state, you will hear it said that "North Carolinians always come back home." Well, that appears to be fairly accurate.

So you have to start with that fact - that NC natives stay here (or end up returning at some point). Why? When I tell you I have a huge extended family, that is no exaggeration. For over 250 years, my family has basically stayed in the Iredell County region, and if not there, they landed only a few counties east or west. One cousin who is in Raleigh is planning to retire back here in Meck - and her son and his wife already moved here. So we tend to stick very close by to the Iredell Co line, LOL.

The history of my family is that anyone who left always returned, with few exceptions. One of my grandfather's brothers left for Spokane, established a thriving nursery business, and never returned except to visit a few times. To my knowledge, only a few family members ever visited him in Washington. Of course, that was quite a trip in 1920-50 so it is not surprising that visits were rare. And then there was a ggreat uncle who left for Missouri on one side of the family . . . and a gggreat uncle on the other side who did the same thing. But again, this was at the turn of the 20th Century.

The thought always was - why leave? We had wonderful land here, great colleges, plenty of jobs. So why would one want to leave?

My whole family acted like I had deserted them for Outer Mongolia when I left to Kansas, and I do not exaggerate. Lots of crying and bidding farewell as if I were on a junket to dangerous territory. But it quickly became obvious that it was easy enuff to hop on a plane and get back to NC, as well as to KS. Luckily, plane tickets were often cheap. Driving took 14-16 hours depending on weather and stops, but my family also likes to drive and check out things along the way, so I had visitors regularly.

What I found in Kansas was a whole neighborhood of abandoned families! And I am not kidding! Most of my neighbors were from the NE . . . a few from midwest cities but no Southerners and few from the west (other than Colorado). There was not one family who had regular visitors from "back home" and people really resented it.

So gradually, we created what I called "intentional family." We celebrated special events together as well as acting as each other's support system when there was an illness, surgery, etc. We celebrated those milestone events in life as if we were each other's siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents. And we planned special events/meals/gatherings around the holidays.

I think that is what everyone needs to do when they relocate and their families "back home" seem to disappear! Create "intentional families" and be there for each other.

The way I was raised . . . it doesn't matter if you LIKE everyone in your family. You are still family. So unless they are toxic, you just "get along" and you are there to help each other out when someone is sick or needs a ride to the doc's office or car dealership . . . you just step in and do the "right thing" - even if you don't particularly enjoy the other person, LOL. So to me, neighborhoods are the same way - you don't have to be best friends but you can still be supportive and caring to one another.

That is why NC residents stay here - or always come back. It is b/c of that support system. My cousins know that - if needed - I will take care of their momma and I know they will take care of my kids, and vice versa. Even if we get on each other's nerves, we are there for one another. And that extends into our neighborhoods and churches.

When I moved to Kansas, everyone in my family said: "Well, honey, you enjoy your new life until you move back." It was just assumed that someday, I would move back, just like any of my cousins eventually had done, LOL!!! Of course, some of my family left and never moved back (they are still in PA and NJ) but we visit back and forth, and some of their grandkids are slowly moving back to NC - how 'bout that?

I guess there is a mentality that I was raised with - that you don't leave the land too far behind - and even if you go to California, home is back in NC, and your family is waiting for you there. I never got the feeling anyone resented that I left - rather, they felt bad about my going and having to leave my proximity to the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Catawba River, Hee Hee. And they all loved visiting (except one - and may I add - I have purposely refrained f/ visiting that person since I moved back here b/c - sorry - I am keeping score on that one).

Family should be your support system - your cheerleaders and your safe harbor. Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way. So my solution is to create "intentional family" - family of intention. You were born into an "accidental family" LOL!!! Surround yourself with others who also have been more or less abandoned by their family members "back wherever" and have a few rules: you don't have to be best friends! Just be kind - and BE THERE.

[chicagocubs]

Ani, this is a great post. Just the example that I was trying to say. Up north, the mantra many times is..."if you don't fit into the pre-determined box, well, the heXX with you. You're not one of us anymore!" Now, I know that is kind of harsh and there may be varying degrees of that depending upon the family, but, basically, that is it.

I always said that the (real, yet unbeknownst to me at the time) reason that I moved south was to learn what a real family was like. And, to establish one.

[serovich]

Just an update. We moved here in March and we really like it. The family in Pennsylvania has been very distant to say the least. Not much communication. Every excuse in the book on why they can't visit. We are heading up there this weekend and dreading it. I can feel the stress already. The mom inlaw already warned us that she doesn't want hear how great NC is and where Pa is lacking. We have to make the trip for other reasons than socializing with family. I really am dreading this. Maybe they'll suprise us, but I just don't know.It does feel good though to be away from all of the negativity that our family oozes. Did I just say they ooze negativity? Wow. See ya Sunday night.

[anifani821]

Originally Posted by serovich

Just an update. We moved here in March and we really like it. The family in Pennsylvania has been very distant to say the least. Not much communication. Every excuse in the book on why they can't visit. We are heading up there this weekend and dreading it. I can feel the stress already. The mom inlaw already warned us that she doesn't want hear how great NC is and where Pa is lacking. We have to make the trip for other reasons than socializing with family. I really am dreading this. Maybe they'll suprise us, but I just don't know.It does feel good though to be away from all of the negativity that our family oozes. Did I just say they ooze negativity? Wow. See ya Sunday night.

Sending lots of positive thoughts, Serovich. I am so glad to hear you have been happy w/ your new home and that you feel the move was the right thing to do. Give your family plenty of space on this issue; they are still probably pretty raw about it. Just try to keep it in perspective - after all - you will get to LEAVE again in a few days.

It shouldn't be hard for anyone from PA to understand moving to NC - so many of us have ancestors who came here from PA! I have always found parts of PA to be a lot like areas in NC.

I hope it will be less stressful than you are anticipating. Let us know how it goes. We'll be waiting for you back here when you get home!!! SAFE TRAVELS!!!!

[BrianH1970]

Originally Posted by serovich

Just an update. We moved here in March and we really like it. The family in Pennsylvania has been very distant to say the least. Not much communication. Every excuse in the book on why they can't visit. We are heading up there this weekend and dreading it. I can feel the stress already. The mom inlaw already warned us that she doesn't want hear how great NC is and where Pa is lacking. We have to make the trip for other reasons than socializing with family. I really am dreading this. Maybe they'll suprise us, but I just don't know.It does feel good though to be away from all of the negativity that our family oozes. Did I just say they ooze negativity? Wow. See ya Sunday night.

I remember this thread!!!!

I really feel for you because I've been there. It's not easy at first but eventually you'll get that will to put your foot down. Some of us have and it's pretty liberating. It just sucks at first because it's a weird bend on emotions that you're not used to. Eventually you'll take too much pride in your decision, your home, your town and your state to let them put a damper on anything.

[mullman]

serovich,

Glad to hear things are working out in the area - welcome!
Good luck on your trip back home, stay positive.