My cousin is marrying the wrong woman. I am ******!

[Desertrose34]

You want to stay in his life, let him make decisions on his own. People change. They have known each other for 8 years? I am not the same woman I was 8 years ago and my hubby is not the same person he was 8 years ago.

We have both matured and are a perfect fit for each other now. We wouldn't of been 8 years ago. We both had alot of growing up to do and it is now at this point in our lives that we can truly love and appreciate each other.

No we didn't know each other then.

Anyhow, your cousin and this gal are probably on the same plane now and weren't before.

It sounds like she is able to appreciate a man who is decent to her and your cousin fits the bill.

Forgive her for being young and dumb.

[PA2UK]

Originally Posted by Driedupfish

Okay, maybe I was being too hard on her. I got to admit my opinion on this was influenced by my own personal experience. I had a female friend whom had a pretty crappy boyfriend, and would constantly complains this to her guy friends. Let me first say that I am not going into the whole "nice guy finish last", I know how the game is played, I know that some girls just don't find a shy guy attractive. I understand that, when I am nice to a girl and express my feelings, I don't expect her to reciprocate the same feeling, you can't force someone to like you. I am not one of those that lament about how the "nice guy" can't get girls, I don't chase after those kinds of girls anyway. However, my situation is different. This girl I knew finally broke up with her boyfriend after advice from us friends, we got closer together and I am pretty sure she dropped the hint. At first I did not want a relationship with her, but then thought, maybe now she needs a guy to support her after that abusive relationship. So we out for about 3 months, then bam, she dumped me and went back to her ex. I am not surprise that I lost to a player who knows how to play his game, I am just pissed at how dumb I was and how she played with my feelings. The worst part is, during the relationship, she begged me to lend her $200, then I found out it was for her loser boyfriend.
After that, I became pretty cynical.

It's not a game and you didn't "lose" - abusive relationships are NEVER a game. She went back to him because she obviously has severe insecurities, low self esteem and no self respect. She got the money out of you for her boyfriend because HE has managed to hold that much control over her, not necessarily because she's a horrible person. She probably feels she doesn't deserve better than him and you were too good for her. That is what an abusive relationship does to someone. You should feel sorry for her and hope that she one day has the courage to leave him for good. It was not dumb of you to hope that she had reached this point when she was with you.

I think you still have a LOT to learn about people and relationships. If you would just put your angry, knee-jerk reaction aside and consider what an abusive relationship can do to a person, you might not need to waste so much energy on being so cynical.

[Driedupfish]

I appreciate all the comments. It's funny how the female members pretty much advice me to accept her because she might have change, but the male members give much different response, like saying how she sees him as only a meal ticket.

[sms0511]

Originally Posted by Driedupfish

I appreciate all the comments. It's funny how the female members pretty much advice me to accept her because she might have change, but the male members give much different response, like saying how she sees him as only a meal ticket.

Ok, as a woman, I can see BOTH responses. I can see that this fiancee of your cousin "could" be using him as a meal ticket (provider for her and her kid). I could also see her "changing" her ways of "choosing her mate", though I could see this as a "safe" way for her to choose a mate (ie, your cousin is the "nice" guy, vs. the guy w/ the bad boy streak that can make her toes curl, if you catch my drift), rather than her "finally coming to full realization" that your cousin is the one for her.

So my advice to you, and you may not like this, is to actually spend time w/ both him AND her -- so that you can really see for yourself if their behaviors (well, it's more HER behaviors that you ought to watch, to see if she really loves him) indicate that they would be a true match for each other.

[AnthonyB]

Originally Posted by PA2UK

Or maybe she's just grown up and come to her senses and only now can truly appreciate him for the wonderful man he is. People grow up and change a LOT when they get out of college, especially if they have kids - are you going to forever punish her for the person she USED to be, not the person she is NOW?

I agree.

We're all dumb as sh*t 9 times out of 10 when we are young. Times change, tastes change.

It's not just women either. Plenty of guys I know also loved hotties until it came time to settle down and the party girls didn't look that tempting then.

Could she be looking at him as a meal ticket? Could be. Then again, the OP doesn't mention her blowing through his cash, just said she never used to be interested in him.

[AnthonyB]

Originally Posted by Driedupfish

I appreciate all the comments. It's funny how the female members pretty much advice me to accept her because she might have change, but the male members give much different response, like saying how she sees him as only a meal ticket.

I'll side with the women here. Maybe because I am an older married guy. I've learned that my wife is better at understanding women so I'll always bow to her insight.

[Anneee]

I don't understand why you dislike her. Once upon a time, she didn't love him, but now she does ---seems reasonable. And it's not unusual for women to give birth, especially young women over a period of eight years. Maybe it was the responsibilities of motherhood that changed her into someone who could appreciate your cousin. In any case, if he's happy, you should be happy for him.

[Waynec613]

Originally Posted by Anneee

I don't understand why you dislike her. Once upon a time, she didn't love him, but now she does ---seems reasonable. And it's not unusual for women to give birth, especially young women over a period of eight years. Maybe it was the responsibilities of motherhood that changed her into someone who could appreciate your cousin. In any case, if he's happy, you should be happy for him.

I think the general point to most of the nay-sayer's posts was and is that if it took 8 years and 2 times "giving birth" to someone else's kids, her change of heart is not only convenient, it's border-line insulting.

But as stated, I don't know the players involved in this days of our lives drama, so I'm taking it with a large grain of salt.

That said, if this were a man with 2 kids, the woman had been pining after him at the start, been rejected for entire time, and the guy did a 180 after 8 years of rejection, I doubt the same thread would be taking place.

[sms0511]

Originally Posted by Waynec613

I think the general point to most of the nay-sayer's posts was and is that if it took 8 years and 2 times "giving birth" to someone else's kids, her change of heart is not only convenient, it's border-line insulting.

But as stated, I don't know the players involved in this days of our lives drama, so I'm taking it with a large grain of salt.

That said, if this were a man with 2 kids, the woman had been pining after him at the start, been rejected for entire time, and the guy did a 180 after 8 years of rejection, I doubt the same thread would be taking place.

I could see that viewpoint as well -- that is, after 8 years and giving birth twice, and (I'm assuming) that her life is not going as well as she planned "originally", she could decide to go for "second" best, that is, in this situation, the OP's cousin. Totally possible.

The key to reveal the truth in this situation would be for the OP to spend some quality time w/ both the cousin AND the cousin's fiancee. You can tell ALOT about how a woman loves her fiance/ husband by the way she treats him/ behaves around him.

[linicx]

If you want to beat this dead horse further, take it to the Relationships Forum. Closed.