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Old 08-04-2010, 12:19 AM
 
Location: West Coast USA
1,577 posts, read 1,786,391 times
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  • How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
  • 300. 12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee, which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee, which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all.

    How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
  • “Whosoever will” can change the light bulb at any time they freely so choose to change it.

    How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. If God wants a light bulb changed, then He will change it. All our efforts are in vain until such time as His sovereign grace changes the elect light bulb.
  • None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
  • Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.

    How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

    How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

    How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

    How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • CHANGE???????

    How many Independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Only one because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.

    How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.

    How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
  • At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

    How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
  • No one knows.

    How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. They don't believe in the light.

    How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. They always use candles.

    How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Ten. One to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they liked the old one better.
  • Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old light bulb.

    How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
  • At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the hot dish and Watergate Salad.
  • There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back at their next meeting.
  • We read that we are to so fear and love God that we cannot by our own effort or understanding comprehend the replacement of an electromagnetic photon source. It is, rather by faith, NOT by our efforts (effected toward the failed worldly incandescence), that we truly see, and that our own works cannot fully justify us in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Of course, it is still dark.
  • None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

    How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Two. One to change the bulb and another to replace the new with the old after shaking it and finding it can be revived with a second blessing.
  • Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

    How many Messianics does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Five, most of whom preferrably have Jewish mothers. There will be a minimum of seven ideas for how the light bulb should be changed. They will not come to a decision about how to change it and will go home without changing the light bulb. One of the five will sneak back in and change it. The next Sabbath, all five will pretend not to notice that the light bulb was changed.
  • Are light bulbs mentioned in Torah?

    How many United Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Eleven. One to change the light bulb. And ten more to organize a covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb service.

    How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
  • What's a light bulb?

    How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Five. One man to change bulb & four wives to tell him how to do it.

    How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

    How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.
  • Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved --you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

    How many Post-modern/Emergent church does it take to change a light bulb?
  • It's up to you to figure it out. The old ways of changing light bulbs no longer apply. The society you now live in is not ‘your grandfather’s light bulb’, so adapt and find the best way to be relevant to today’s Gen-X and Gen-Y light bulb changers or find yourself the one being replaced..

    How many KJV-only believers does it take to change a light bulb?
  • 1611 of course. And we will insist that the light bulb arrives with an “AV” stamp of approval marked on it. We will not accept any light bulbs from Alexandria, neither those marked with an NASB, NIV, ESV, NKJV, TLB, NLT or RSV.

    How many Amillennial does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Although we don’t believe in a literal light bulb, we do believe in a future where The Light will reign and shine forever.

    How many Post-Millennial does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. We believe that the light bulb is getting better and better all the time.

    How many Pre-Tribbers does it take to change a light bulb?
  • One. But, in the twinkling of an eye, all lit light bulbs will be taken to heaven for seven years. There will however be 144,000 Jewish light bulbs here on earth bringing other light bulbs to a lit condition. The light bulbs in heaven return at the end of the seven years to stay lit for 1000 years.

    How many Legalists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • 100. One to change the light bulb and 99 to monitor that the person changing the light bulb is a man who has not sold out to the flesh. His hair is short and neatly trimmed, wears a white shirt with a coat and tie to church, does not watch TV, go to movies, dance, smoke or drink alcohol, does not listen to pop/rock/country/jazz music and is not dating a worldly woman.
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Old 08-04-2010, 02:43 AM
 
1,492 posts, read 2,228,413 times
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Lol
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:07 AM
 
Location: Florida
5,965 posts, read 5,584,006 times
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Funny and much truth in there!
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Old 08-04-2010, 07:37 AM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,830 posts, read 9,766,924 times
Reputation: 58199
I especially like the "pre-tribbers" light bulb dilemma.
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Old 08-04-2010, 08:35 AM
 
Location: West Coast USA
1,577 posts, read 1,786,391 times
Reputation: 3134
Glad ya liked 'em!!!
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:02 PM
 
Location: Salt Lake City
21,299 posts, read 20,965,943 times
Reputation: 10000
I always get a kick out of those lightbulb jokes. Thanks, Queen.


Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Five. One man to change bulb & four wives to tell him how to do it.
Cute, but since Mormon men don't have more than one wife, this version (from an LDS website) is better:

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? Well, that all depends.

If it is the Relief Society (the women's auxilliary) it takes four. One to fix refreshments. One to bring the tablecloth. One to design the Center Piece, And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Bishopric (the bishop, who is the presiding leader of a congregation, and his two counselors), forget it, they don't do light bulbs. They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders.

If it is the Elders (mostly men in their twenties through fifties) it takes four. Three that don't show up, and One to change the bulb.

If it is the High Priests (mostly men over age sixty), it takes four. Two to push the wheel chairs. One to handle the oxygen tank, And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Home Teachers (many groups of two men assigned to visit each family once a month), it only takes two, But you have to wait until the end of the month.

If it is the Aaronic Priesthood (teenage boys), it only takes one. He holds the light bulb in the socket And the whole world revolves around him.
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:37 PM
 
Location: West Coast USA
1,577 posts, read 1,786,391 times
Reputation: 3134
!
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:02 AM
 
Location: West Coast USA
1,577 posts, read 1,786,391 times
Reputation: 3134
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Q: How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs. They ban light bulb jokes.
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Old 05-14-2012, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Someplace Wonderful
5,170 posts, read 3,741,414 times
Reputation: 2546
Rotflmao :d
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Old 05-14-2012, 02:40 PM
 
Location: WV and Eastport, ME
10,362 posts, read 10,430,960 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
!
What a cute, fun thread!!
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