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Old 03-17-2012, 08:32 AM
Location: New England
32,451 posts, read 21,255,987 times
Reputation: 2304


The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Peter goes on, "Yes I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. First: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. The first thing the next morning, Peter returns to the gate to find Forrest already there waiting for him. Peter smiles warmly and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one: How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."

"Hold it," Peter interrupts. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess you're right. It wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated gatekeeper, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song! 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...'"
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Old 03-18-2012, 12:18 AM
Location: Someplace Wonderful
5,178 posts, read 3,919,796 times
Reputation: 2555
It was a beautiful morning in Paradise, so Jesus and St Peter decide to take in a round of golf at the Pearly Gates Country Club. 18 holes of the most beautiful golf course one can imagine!

The first hole is a par 3, 210 yards straight, beautifully manicured fairway, sand traps gleaming white, thick woods on either side of the fairway. Peter tees up. approaches, concentrates, then swings. Whack! He hits a perfect shot, landing on the green and rolling to within 10 yards of the cup. Jesus, however, apparently bothered by the nail holes in his palms, shanks his drive into the woods on the right.

Peter says to himself "I've got this one easy" as he packs up his bag and starts to walk to the green.

Then, all of a sudden, out of the woods runs a squirrel. It has Jesus' ball in its mouth! An owl, sitting on a high branch of a tree on the edge of the fairway sees the squirrel, swoops down, catches the squirrel in its talons, and starts to fly to its nest. Far overhead, and eagle glides. It spots the owl, and quickly drops down, attacking the owl. The eagle batters the owl and the owl drops the squirrel, which lands on the green a couple of yards from the cup. Stunned, the squirrel's jaw relaxes, loosing Jesus' golf ball, which rolls into the cup. An ace for Jesus!

Peter sees all this. Shaking his head the whole time, he walks back to Jesus and says "Look.... are you gonna play golf? Or just screw around?"
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