needing christian advice (Jesus, divorce, marriage, baptized)

[Torpedos]

if you stay then you will always be suspicous of him. every click of the mouse will be awkward. We all have a beast within us, some are full of pride, others lie, other etc..., his monkey was porn. I am sure you look good, probably better than those he looks at. It is just that our carnal nature is so overpowering that if we turn from Christ we start to sink in mud. Of course he is not gonna say he wants to be right with God, i would say the same thing. the question becomes will he be able to overcome that beast within? When you are not around and nobody is looking what will he do? I hope all turn good for your marriage.

[hljc]

What would Jesus do?...... Well go to John 8: 3-11....``And the scribes and the Pharisees brought to him a women taken in adultery, and when they had set her in the midst......They say to Jesus , Master this women was taken in adultery, in the very act.....Now Moses in the law commanded us , that such should be stoned , but what do you say?......Jesus said to them ``He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her``...... And they who heard it being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one , and Jesus was left alone , and the women standing in the midst..... Jesus said to her ``Woman where are those of your accusers?...has no man condemned you?.``.... She replied...``No man, Lord``..... Jesus said to her...``Neither do I condemn you go and sin no more``.............................. See Jesus requires Christians to love and resist the legalism of condemnation of sin in others ....as there is no love .... If you have issues in your marriage than ``plead the Blood of Jesus Christ judgment of your marriage and life and get Lord Jesus to make a plan for your life

[Jerwade]

Men in general are stimulated through visual perception; it’s a fact, not an excuse.
In addition, they respond to the soft touch of a woman, or that which triggers’ their thought process.

I would be more concerned with, "Is his appetite, age appropriate?"

Other questions come to mind:

1) Do you withhold intimacy?
2) Is he able to openly, discuss things with you?
3) Do you usually consign him to a certain position?

Declaimer: I am not justifying his actions or behavior, nor do I condone pornography.

[Jerwade]

Originally Posted by Bright Hope for Tomorrow

I can understand how angry and sad you are, but if you truly love him I don't think you should even consider leaving him over this! If he simply looked up his ex on facebook, maybe it was just out of curiousity to see what she's doing and what she looks like now (if it's been a while since he's seen her). I searched for ex-boyfriends on facebook just to see what they look like and it was nothing but innocent. I didn't friend them, though. If he did friend her and talked with her that would be more worrisome, but not necessarily tragic. I would keep an eye on the situation and let him know you don't want them to have any contact.

About the porn, I wouldn't leave him over that, either. Of course he didn't tell you because it's embarrassing and he knew you would be hurt and mad. Unfortunately, many men are interested in that. My husband went to a strip club with some friends about 15 years ago and it hurt, but if I had left him over that I would have missed out on so much love and joy in my life that I can't even imagine. I know your husband has been doing that for a long time, but I honestly doubt that it means he doesn't love you or find you attractive.

I think you should ask him to search his heart and pray about it and try his best to give up looking at porn because it hurts you and lust is a harmful thing. I'm not saying you're doing this, but I know situations where wives reacted harshly to something like that, but the bottom line was they were not happily married in the first place and they were looking for an excuse to leave and were kind of glad it happened so they would have a reason to leave without feeling guilty. I hope that's not the case. Also, maybe you should go to marriage counseling. I'm not an expert on the subject by any means, so I'll just leave it at that. God bless you and your marriage.

You may not be an expert, but your words are encouraging.

[NickyQuen]

Hi,

Now, I am a Christian male with 3 teenage daughters passing or completed University in the UK. I also know a lot about women as I spent my life at a school for girls before University. Strange but true. I also know that men think with their minds and lower, and in my experience do not understand the emotional needs and trust required by a mature and loving woman like you. And no I am not going to bible bash as I was just passing this web site after sorting out a few Christian problems others were having on my regular prayer website.

Firstly, you are not the problem either physically or intimately or emotionally. I get this drift from the way you have written, therefore relax and calm in your faith. Too many disasters have occurred when the heat is turned up. Also I discern that God thinks that you are all right, special and need to be informed, which is important. My wife had a similar experience with her ex many years ago when he disappeared off to Greece on business. She had a dream before he came back which was bad news for him because he really did Greece in style. He also confessed after much denial and she took him back. However it did not last and finally they split. He too was supposed to be an upright Christian man! The moral of all this is about deception and I seriously doubt you know the depths of your husband because I suspect he is very practised in his art. Not unrecoverable but definitely expert.

Now you can go two ways with this. One, he is what he is and won't change, but he still loves you and your children to bits and therefore is actually no threat to you; two, he belongs to the world and your best option is to pack your bags, take the children and disappear to Canada because he won't change, trust me. There are other options of course but I am not going there.

Whether your husband is a Christian or not, his actions indicate he is in the snare of the devil as the gospel likes to put it which is thoroughly dangerous. Many bible folk (old and new) have died for less despite warnings from God and still happens today believe me; and you received a warning from God to give to him which basically amounts to: “Either mend your ways or take the consequences”. There is the avenue of compassion and forgiveness on your side, but I need to focus on the lack of discipline against temptation of your husband which is actually at the root of all this. It is not that he sees nothing wrong in his actions, it is more a case of he likes to do it even though he knows it maybe not quite right, and has had years of hiding his behaviour.

Now you have a couple of paths. The worldly one involving counselling which may or may not be to your liking but depends whether both of your want to save your marriage, or you do it the gospel way and find yourself a baptised in the holy spirit fellowship or church, that deals in the power of God to heal and restore, but once again it depends whether both of you want to redeem your marriage, and potentially renew your walk with Jesus and renew your marriage vows.

Having said all that, my practical advice would be for both of you to go on vacation somewhere together without the siblings and start again, get to really know each other and have some intimate fun; and I do not mean that you should hold your husband to ransom but maybe offer him something he can’t refuse, so his focus of attention is more on you and not on his private hobbies. Marriage has always been a two-way street which inevitably needs a little flexibility on both sides. And maybe he can start living in truth with you and start to respect you not just as a loving wife but a confidant and helper in his hours of temptation and not a lying and deceitful excuse of a husband. Paris is great at this time of the year.

[augiedogie]

You have no grounds for divorce or separation, at least not based on the Bible. Disertion, refusing sex and adultery yes, but not looking at dirty pictures, unemployed, drinks too much, or doesn't go to church. Are you going to tell me that in 14 years of marriage, you had no lustful throughts about another man, no fantasies of another man, no rejection of your husbands advances, no rebellion against him at all??? Sorry, but you married a sinner, just like everyone else. If you want a perfect husband, start looking, but you'll never find one. Marriage for Christians is about love, forgiveness, respect, patience and kindness. Sounds like you could use some practice yourself in some of these virtues.

[hiker45]

Stop whining about your husband. Don't expect him to change. Either accept him as he is or leave him.

[Wretched.elect]

Paul gave us two commands concerning husbands and wives:

1.) Love your wife
2.) Honor your husband.

These are not feelings, but choices. Even if you do not feel you can 'love' your husband, you must honor him as such. While it may be hard to do, with Christ's help you can. You may hurt, and you should because of the breach of that trust you had in him, but he is still your husband, Christian or not, and you are commanded to honor him. It takes a great amount of faith to do that which we on our own cannot do.

As for divorce, I do not believe that Christians are to divorce. While many will point to the 'exception clause' of Christ's teaching in, consider to whom he was speaking, and read what he actually said in Mark. It was a statement as to the Law divorce for the Jews. If we go to his teaching in Mark 9:2-12, we see what Jesus really taught on divorce. In response to their question of the 'lawfulness' of divorce, Jesus responds with, 'It was for the hardness of you heart he wrote you this precept.' Hardness of heart was the reason for the divorce decree, not the actual indiscretion which isn't really mentioned. Jesus real response to the divorce question was, 'What God has join, let no man put assunder.' There is no exception for divorce according to his teaching, marriage is binding until death (see also Rom. 7:2-3; 1 Cor. 7:39). The exception was for the Jews under the Law, who for the hardness of their hearts could not live with their wives for whatever the reason was (the Greek word used is not 'adultery' but 'fornication'). Under the New Testament teaching, divorce is not allowed for any reason, even for adultery, and according to Jesus teaching, even thoughts of other women is adultery in the heart.

All that does not touch on the wrong that you have done to your husband by spying on him. You violated his trust even as he violated his. You obviously had doubts, and perhaps the Spirit prompted you to confront your husband, but I do not believe that he prompted you to completely abase yourself and spy on him. One violation of the marriage trust was bad enough, to add yours to it just made it worse.

Healing can come, but will require the both of you to fulfill the command, with the Spirit's help, to love and to honor. He cannot be healed, freed from his slavery to his sin of pornography without the Spirit's help, and you cannot be freed from your lack of trust in him with out the same help of the Spirit. Both of you have wronged the other and you both must forgive the other. Can you ever trust him again? Absolutely, and I believe that God want's that more than anything. Counseling will help, but only if it is godly counseling, for the counsel of the world is not the same as the counsel of God. Prayer is another powerful tool in getting your relationship with your husband back to where it was. James tells us the the effectual (fervent) prayer of the righteous avails much. Do not be slack in your prayer, and pray not only for your husband, but pray with your husband. If the marriage is not centered in Christ, then you cannot have the relationship you expect (and rightly expect!) from him. There is nothing more that God would desires to see than the marriage of a man and wife rightly reflecting the mystery of Christ and the Church. Because I believe this so fervently, I believe that God will honor the desire of your heart in prayer for a restore, reconciled relationship with your husband.

I will be praying along with you, and would love to see that the two of you are restored to a healthy, loving, God honoring marriage.

In Christ,

Matthew

[NickyQuen]

[quote=Wretched.elect;25315813]Paul gave us two commands concerning husbands and wives:

1.) Love your wife
2.) Honor your husband.

I personally endorse Wretched.elect's well thought out statements. When Jesus was asked about divorce by his Apostles, his answer was supported by the original intentions of Old Testament law: that a man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife, and they should be one. Paraphrase: "Why did Moses allow divorce then said the Apostles?". Jesus replied: "Because of the hardness of your hearts." In effect it was not in man to resolve the bad wife issue, which could simply occur in those times because his wife did not please him. Pretty shallow really.

Sometimes I love my wife, and sometimes I genuinely do not. Sometimes she rattles my cage almost to distraction, almost destructive in nature, mainly due to some of the bad things that happened to her as a child in a very dysfunctional family. Other times I find myself filled with compassion, caring and loving when she has a problem or better still, when things between us are not so fiery but calm. I have made that commitment to her and to God for better or for worse, and it can get really bad. But I simply focus my mind and heart on the Lord and ask for his guidance quietly. Other couples that I have met don't seem to have such problems, and I find myself, rightly or wrongly, wishing to change places, but I don't let the desire take over. It's like having dull rainy days and then warm sunny days. Not the perfect situation for me but I get on with it.

Now the situation with you dear lady is reversed, and you are feeling those dull and rainy days in your marriage. And if I am right in saying, the Lord gave you that dream to make you aware of the situation with your husband. If that dream was genuinely given to you by the Holy Spirit, then I would expect God to follow through with the necessary steps to get the relationship between yourself and your husband back on track. If I am correct then, God did NOT say or INDICATE in your dream that you should go all out and divorce your husband! If that had of happened, then I would have to say that, that was not God speaking to you and you either ate too much cheese or were being deceived somehow. There is the other side of the story here, which we haven't heard, and that is your husband's side; and whether he knows that his private marriage is up for scrutiny by various members of the Christian community? I have found my own wife gassing with her friends about things that should not have been aired. You can imagine my response when I found out! Just slightly annoyed but not over the top.

In a previous reply, I mentioned finding a Church, Fellowship or Believer who genuinely operated in the Power of the Holy Spirit, and who or which, focused on relationship healing in Jesus. This could be a wow factor in your life if both of you are up for it. And at the same time get refilled with the Holy Ghost. It would make all the difference in your life. Note also, Paul's advice to women who became believers but their husbands were not, and that if the husband was happy to stay with her then let them not separate. Sometimes a very helpful perspective to have in a marriage.

God likes a meek and gentle spirit in women, not subservient but respectful to their husbands. If you do a little research specifically about women in the Old Testament, you will find God's viewpoint on how a women should behave especially in marriage. It's quite fascinating. Paraphrase: "And Sarah called him Lord..." (Abraham her husband). And don't tell me, I know, there is probably four times more scriptures on how a husband should behave towards his wife.

The ultimate picture and reality is the love, devotion and respect between Jesus and his wife, the new Church, and that's why we are all going to a wedding. Put me close to the Champers boys!

Jesus will have one wife (His beloved Church). She will be utterly in love with him. It will be like the Song of Solomon says. And Jesus will be her champion. Is your husband whom you have chosen or God has given you, your champion dear lady? Does he breath the fire of his love around you? Do you go out into the vineyards in the early morning dew? Does he embrace you like the Belt of Orion, as his own and to be protected and kept safe. These are things that each one of us in marriage must aspire too. Never to be broken, always together, joined as one.

So how about it dear lady. Are you up for a challenge? A fight to win the desire and heart of your husband back? Is he also willing to do the same for you? You have one chance to get it right. God has started the ball rolling in your dream. Ask him to show you what to do next.

[mercy777]

Lived this one Friend more times than I can count and over the years this is what I have learned.

Every time someone hurt me it took my mind and heart off the only One who could change the situation. And the more I concentrated on another's sin, the more I mistrusted and the less I trusted Jesus.

So I would speak from experience- Keep our eyes on the One who saved us from our sins.

Every person will reap what they sow and there is no favortism, God declares it and it will happen.

I would stand back, stand up for God's righteousness, pray, and watch God work.

He is a Mighty God and works good for those who love Him.

God Bless,
Mercy