No communication with my father, is it appropriate? (hell, churches, Jesus)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Waiting..what I said was if he felt the urge to forgive him..Imo the op was looking for something acceptable as an act of forgiveness, thats why I suggested a note
If all options are equal, as you maintain, then I should be able to state my advice without an arguement.
I did not misunderstand what you wrote. I was clear on what you stated.
You said " if he felt the urge to forgive him...
What you said was if the abused felt the urge to forgive him; send him a note..
I am saying that the abuser needs to feel some remorse for his actions, which sound like a pattern of behaviour since it happened repeatedly.
Repenting means to " turn away from" to stop with God's help, habitually abuse.
If the abuser does not even acknowledge abuse, then certainly he won't be turning away from abuse.
So stop with the condescending tone, we're going to agree to disagree on our life views.
I agree that forgiving an abuser, who does not ask for forgiveness, in the hope that he will repent might only be setting yourself up for a possible disappointment. But what if you write a note in which you forgive your abuser and do not care for the abuser's reaction?
If he repents great. If he acts abusive again you just ignore him or leave the room.
This way you might free yourself of the whole abusive and disappointment cycle.
Location: Somewhere along the path to where I'd like to be.
2,180 posts, read 5,419,927 times
Reputation: 829
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobmulk
I've never started a thread before but I thought I would throw this out there.
I am an adoptee. I was raised in a Rockwellian environment by Christian parents. As a young adult, I met my biological father (and my full-blooded brother). My mother had died so I never met her.
Anyway, I've known them now for twenty-nine years. A year and a half ago I finally and totally cut my father out of my life. For the entire time I associated with him he mercilessly abused me--emotionally and verbally. Christmas of '05 was the first Christmas I ever spent with him and he could not let the day go by without abusing me. I finally had enough. I haven't spoken to him in nearly two years.
I have no desire to speak with or see him. I'm through, completely. I have suffered tremendously because of him and am now in counseling and on medication.
My question...my father is not a Christian--shows total hatred toward anything affiliated with God, Christ, Christianity. Am I justified in cutting him out of my life?
This is just a curiosity on my part. I'm not going back--to many times I have only to be viciously abused again. I'm just interested in everyone's opinion.
Yes, I would say you are justified in cutting him out of your life. Absolutely.
You should forgive him, of course. But that doesn't obligate you to make him part of your life. If he's unrepentant, and does nothing but abuse you (whether verbally/mentally or otherwise), you aren't required to endure that. If he isn't seeking your forgiveness, then it is a matter between you and God. You need to make sure you don't harbor bitterness in your heart, because that will only harm yourself.
If he is seeking your forgiveness, you can write him a note telling him you forgive him. BUT....that still does not obligate you to make him part of your life. If he says he will never abuse you again, you are not required to place blind trust in him. You are still free to live your life without him in it. I recently had a 20-year friendship come to a sudden, permanent end - and though it's a long story, I had to realize that the relationship caused me more harm over those years than good. However, I forgave that person because I did not want to answer to God for the unforgiveness, and because if I saw that person in Heaven, I would not be able to treat them with bitterness. But at the same time, I told myself that if I ever saw the person again, they would not become part of my life again, and instead I decided I would treat them as a former acquaintance or fellow co-worker I had once known. I would treat them cordially, but our association with one another would not be the same as it had been at one time.
Move on, friend, and may God richly bless you in your walk with Him.
Last edited by Pathwalker; 10-21-2007 at 10:50 AM..
Yes, I would say you are justified in cutting him out of your life. Absolutely.
You should forgive him, of course. But that doesn't obligate you to make him part of your life. If he's unrepentant, and does nothing but abuse you (whether verbally/mentally or otherwise), you aren't required to endure that.
Move on, friend, and may God richly bless you in your walk with Him.
I'm with Rob here. I haven't seen my nor heard from my father in 10 years (oddly enough Christmas was the last time I saw him) and letting go of that relationship and forgiving him has brought much peace into my life. Like Blue said if you feel you need to tell him why then put it in a letter otherwise move on and be at peace with your decision.
I agree that forgiving an abuser, who does not ask for forgiveness, in the hope that he will repent might only be setting yourself up for a possible disappointment. But what if you write a note in which you forgive your abuser and do not care for the abuser's reaction?
If he repents great. If he acts abusive again you just ignore him or leave the room.
This way you might free yourself of the whole abusive and disappointment cycle.
2 things; can this person really handle rejection again?
You say they can handle it but can they? Take it on the chin but after awhile one gets a glass chin.
2. An abuser might seek revenge for making him feel bad. Causing trouble, starting stories, if ya make him feel bad and abuser might attack.
Writing something down; once it's outta your hands; it's gone. Make sure that if it gets passed around; it's okay with you that everybody and their brother reads it!!
I say write, validate the abuse, but don't send the note.
What if he says, " What abuse? What are you talking about? You are too sensitive, nutty ,_______fill in the blank.
What if he says, " What abuse? What are you talking about? You are too sensitive, nutty ,_______fill in the blank.
Simple, you declare the abuser persona non grata.
I've done that to most of my family who do not accept me the way I am.
But at least I tried.
After 20 years of trying enough is enough.
BTW I personally do not write letters, I tell it to them in person.
Originally Posted by waitingSimple, you declare the abuser persona non grata.
I've done that to most of my family who do not accept me the way I am.
But at least I tried.
After 20 years of trying enough is enough.
BTW I personally do not write letters, I tell it to them in person.
It takes a big person to admit to abuse.
I wonder if we can break the abuse down; into didn't know any better abuse,
non personal abuse, as in had a really bad day and then there's the don't know why I'm abusing abuse.
I hear about abuse everyday around here.
Just yesterday three little kids in diapers were out on a busy street, left alone, parents no where to be found, someone called the police, kids were reeking with dirt and poop. Hey, I wonder how long it will be to work thru their issues, when they're older.
Will the parents ever admit to their wrongs?
Questions, questions, nary an answer....
P.S. I'm a she, IrishMom
Location: Somewhere along the path to where I'd like to be.
2,180 posts, read 5,419,927 times
Reputation: 829
It really doesn't matter if an "abuser" admits to being such or not. The bottom line is that the relationship bobmulk has with his father isn't comfortable for him, and if he feels it isn't conducive to his personal mental/spiritual/physical well-being, he has the right to distance himself from his dad so that he can move on with his life.
I'm with Rob here. I haven't seen my nor heard from my father in 10 years (oddly enough Christmas was the last time I saw him) and letting go of that relationship and forgiving him has brought much peace into my life. Like Blue said if you feel you need to tell him why then put it in a letter otherwise move on and be at peace with your decision.
I'm with Irish and Rob here too. No one should put up with abuse. Forgive yes because not forgiving is only going to hurt yourself. The other person will not care or be affected in the least. No contact with the father? Yeah, protect yourself! I just cut both of my parents out of my life a few days ago and the weight and burden of the world has lifted off me. So seriously I believe you made a good decision and should move forward and enjoy your life.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But what if you write a note in which you forgive your abuser and do not care for the abuser's reaction?
BTW I personally do not write letters, I tell it to them in person.
