Post your Church Funnies here (Mormon, hell, preach, prayer)

[Miss Blue]

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

[Zur]

The Evangelist held his first evangelistic sermon. At the end he made an altar call. One person came forward and prayed the sinners prayer. The evangelist was happy, at least one responded, so he asked the man, why did you come forward? Because of your blue eyes, was the answer.

[Mike930]

From church bulletins:


Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.

Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

[Miss Blue]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.

'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house.' Johnny explained . . .
'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

[Miss Blue]

I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy.
Molly, 8

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

[Katzpur]

This is a true one from the Mormon community...

A little child remembered just before he was supposed to leave for school one day that his teacher had told each of the kids to bring a t-shirt with them to school for a project. Since it was the last minute and the child's mother didn't know what the t-shirt was going to be used for, she grabbed the only one she could find. It already had something on the front, a well-known Mormon quote. When the child returned from school that afternoon, he told her that at school they were about the dangers of drug use, and proudly showed his mom his t-shirt. On the back, it said, "Be smart; don't start!" On the front, it said, "Families are forever."

[Azrael17]

A man knocks on some ones door.
The owner of the house comes to the door and opens it.
The man asks the owner of the house: "Have you found Jesus?"
The owner of the house replies: "Oh my god did you lose him again.
Speachless the man stands there. The owner of the house gets dress and comes outside, then he says let's get going we haven't a moment to lose we've got figure out where my son ran off too.

[Wardendresden]

When God created Man He assured him that good, loving and obedient wives could be found in all four corners of the earth.

Then God made the world round and laughed and laughed!!!

[Jerwade]

A new monk arrives at the Monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, and not from the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies of copies for centuries, but you make a valid point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar; and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is 'celebrate'," says the old monk.

[gonpostal]

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