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Old 10-14-2013, 04:10 PM
 
Location: Somerset, Kentucky
473 posts, read 615,715 times
Reputation: 112

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O.K. Another true story. Some in the forum have made me mad about a few things. I'm going to tell this story and then put my reaction at the end.

When my children were 16, 17, and 4 yrs old a rumor went around town that their Uncle had a son that he had never claimed. I tried to find out about it and actually discovered that the 19 yr. old boy belonged to my husband. What would be your reaction to this kind of thing? This boy was born a year before I met and married my husband--he wasn't conceived after we married.

We heard around town that this boy was looking for his real father, that he didn't want to stir up trouble, he just wanted to belong to who he was supposed to.


These rumors broke my daughter's and my heart. My husband wanted to deny him and didn't want us to pursue it but to ignore it. I didn't fight my husband, I just took charge which was rare in my abusive marriage.

We found out that Jackie worked at the local McDonald's. My daughter and I took a trip to McDonald's. One look at this boy was all I ever needed. I didn't have one child that looked more like my husband than this kid did. We never went through DNA testing. Our whole family ended up accepting Jackie except for my husband's mother. I had to fight some of my husbands family on behalf of Jackie, but by my acceptance and insistence and MY KIDS(TOO PROUD)---they finally came to terms with it. It has never hurt me that I accepted this boy, the fact that he was conceived was NOT his fault and he was one of my best friends until he married--then his wife became his best friend.
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Old 10-14-2013, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Frisco, TX
7,556 posts, read 11,890,246 times
Reputation: 4516
Great story - my real dad and his family never accepted me, so it's a situation close to my heart.

I believe God is looking at the heart presently, and because people change there may be those whose hearts have changed and are no longer 'that person' who did harm. Allow them to accept what is done and help them restore as they can.

Or (more times than not, it seems) the shame, sense of gain, or fear of rebuke is holding them in that same pattern of self-preservation - and that's the enemy of forgiveness - self.

What to do? Go to the Lord before you ever go to man, and ask Him to work in you a heart that is strong. I used to believe that we are to pray for grace to forgive in every situation, and I still do; but I also believe that as His body, He will use us for correction and to heal all those involved.
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Old 10-14-2013, 04:35 PM
 
Location: Somerset, Kentucky
473 posts, read 615,715 times
Reputation: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by little elmer View Post
Great story - my real dad and his family never accepted me, so it's a situation close to my heart.

I believe God is looking at the heart presently, and because people change there may be those whose hearts have changed and are no longer 'that person' who did harm. Allow them to accept what is done and help them restore as they can.

Or (more times than not, it seems) the shame, sense of gain, or fear of rebuke is holding them in that same pattern of self-preservation - and that's the enemy of forgiveness - self.

What to do? Go to the Lord before you ever go to man, and ask Him to work in you a heart that is strong. I used to believe that we are to pray for grace to forgive in every situation, and I still do; but I also believe that as His body, He will use us for correction and to heal all those involved.
It's a shame that they never accepted you. Jackie was one of my greatest blessings. I never held a thing against him. My husband and I had a few words over him not wanting to accept what he did--different story.
Yeshua Bless You
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Old 10-14-2013, 04:46 PM
Status: "Smacking fundies." (set 11 hours ago)
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
25,774 posts, read 13,399,507 times
Reputation: 11666
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheila Renae View Post
O.K. Another true story. Some in the forum have made me mad about a few things. I'm going to tell this story and then put my reaction at the end.

When my children were 16, 17, and 4 yrs old a rumor went around town that their Uncle had a son that he had never claimed. I tried to find out about it and actually discovered that the 19 yr. old boy belonged to my husband. What would be your reaction to this kind of thing? This boy was born a year before I met and married my husband--he wasn't conceived after we married.

We heard around town that this boy was looking for his real father, that he didn't want to stir up trouble, he just wanted to belong to who he was supposed to.


These rumors broke my daughter's and my heart. My husband wanted to deny him and didn't want us to pursue it but to ignore it. I didn't fight my husband, I just took charge which was rare in my abusive marriage.

We found out that Jackie worked at the local McDonald's. My daughter and I took a trip to McDonald's. One look at this boy was all I ever needed. I didn't have one child that looked more like my husband than this kid did. We never went through DNA testing. Our whole family ended up accepting Jackie except for my husband's mother. I had to fight some of my husbands family on behalf of Jackie, but by my acceptance and insistence and MY KIDS(TOO PROUD)---they finally came to terms with it. It has never hurt me that I accepted this boy, the fact that he was conceived was NOT his fault and he was one of my best friends until he married--then his wife became his best friend.
You have a kind and open heart. It has, and will continue to, serve you well.
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Old 10-14-2013, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,507,295 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheila Renae View Post
O.K. Another true story. Some in the forum have made me mad about a few things. I'm going to tell this story and then put my reaction at the end.

When my children were 16, 17, and 4 yrs old a rumor went around town that their Uncle had a son that he had never claimed. I tried to find out about it and actually discovered that the 19 yr. old boy belonged to my husband. What would be your reaction to this kind of thing? This boy was born a year before I met and married my husband--he wasn't conceived after we married.

We heard around town that this boy was looking for his real father, that he didn't want to stir up trouble, he just wanted to belong to who he was supposed to.


These rumors broke my daughter's and my heart. My husband wanted to deny him and didn't want us to pursue it but to ignore it. I didn't fight my husband, I just took charge which was rare in my abusive marriage.

We found out that Jackie worked at the local McDonald's. My daughter and I took a trip to McDonald's. One look at this boy was all I ever needed. I didn't have one child that looked more like my husband than this kid did. We never went through DNA testing. Our whole family ended up accepting Jackie except for my husband's mother. I had to fight some of my husbands family on behalf of Jackie, but by my acceptance and insistence and MY KIDS(TOO PROUD)---they finally came to terms with it. It has never hurt me that I accepted this boy, the fact that he was conceived was NOT his fault and he was one of my best friends until he married--then his wife became his best friend.
While I truly appreciate your story , and I'm happy your family came to accept and love Jackie, I don't see where the forgiveness comes in for you personally?

Of all people in the story JACKIE is the one who had a lot to forgive.

It's so awesome that you helped your family to welcome him in, but nobody did anything to you for you to need to forgive as far as I can tell.

Am I missing something?
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Old 10-14-2013, 05:25 PM
 
Location: Somerset, Kentucky
473 posts, read 615,715 times
Reputation: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
While I truly appreciate your story , and I'm happy your family came to accept and love Jackie, I don't see where the forgiveness comes in for you personally?

Of all people in the story JACKIE is the one who had a lot to forgive.

It's so awesome that you helped your family to welcome him in, but nobody did anything to you for you to need to forgive as far as I can tell.

Am I missing something?
No, and I'm glad that you see it that way. This is how I view things like this but you should have heard comments from my friend's and family about how they would not have accepted Jackie (like it was his fault) nor forgave their HUSBAND. My forgiveness was for my husband, his reactions and the way he didn't want to accept any responsibility for his actions--not for his past actions. Some of the people around me said they would have divorced over something that happened BEFORE meeting their husband--nuts.
Jackie's mother never told him until he was grown, she never asked for support, she never intruded upon anyone. I think it says a lot about her too.
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Old 10-14-2013, 05:53 PM
Status: "Smacking fundies." (set 11 hours ago)
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
25,774 posts, read 13,399,507 times
Reputation: 11666
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheila Renae View Post
No, and I'm glad that you see it that way. This is how I view things like this but you should have heard comments from my friend's and family about how they would not have accepted Jackie (like it was his fault) nor forgave their HUSBAND. My forgiveness was for my husband, his reactions and the way he didn't want to accept any responsibility for his actions--not for his past actions. Some of the people around me said they would have divorced over something that happened BEFORE meeting their husband--nuts.
Jackie's mother never told him until he was grown, she never asked for support, she never intruded upon anyone. I think it says a lot about her too.
We're human. We make mistakes. Hopefully, we also learn from them - making fewer as we walk deeper along our path(s).

Nothing weighs down our spirits like resentment and hanging on to past hurts. It keeps us rooted to the past and far from the present, where we belong.

Forgiveness is a balm that heals all - those doing the hurt, and those receiving.

A burden lifted lightens our soul's walk. It is a wonderful gift that we can give to others, as well as ourselves.

Good for you. And a thumb's up for Jackie's mom too - she faced hard choices and did the best she could.

Sounds like her son is a fine lad, so she should take a bow. Solo parenting is one of life's tougher gigs.
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Old 10-14-2013, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,507,295 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheila Renae View Post
No, and I'm glad that you see it that way. This is how I view things like this but you should have heard comments from my friend's and family about how they would not have accepted Jackie (like it was his fault) nor forgave their HUSBAND. My forgiveness was for my husband, his reactions and the way he didn't want to accept any responsibility for his actions--not for his past actions. Some of the people around me said they would have divorced over something that happened BEFORE meeting their husband--nuts.
Jackie's mother never told him until he was grown, she never asked for support, she never intruded upon anyone. I think it says a lot about her too.
Got it, thanks

Amazing that people would blame the child born into this situation, like he had any choice in the matter

Good for you for setting the example for all those short-sighted, unloving friends and family! They were all lucky to have you
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Old 10-15-2013, 10:48 AM
 
Location: Tucson, Arizona
987 posts, read 908,097 times
Reputation: 295
There's probably much not said or understood. The mother evidently thought it best for all concerned to raise her son without any complications from a father who wasn't ready for the responsibility. We are a product today of all our yesterdays. If we are merciful, forgiving, loving, should we really take credit for it? Should we judge the PERSON without having walked in his shoes, felt the stings of his/her life, without the chemical processes that uniquely guide the other's life? Certainly we can decide in our view if a particular action was something 'good' or 'evil' and if a resulting action should be taken under law to prevent another instance or to educate the perperator, but to set up ourselves as 'better' that the other person is to not understand that we have very little to do with the naure we were born with, the circumstances of our lives, and the reactions we have. I find myself judgmental many times on first view, and then shamefacedly realizing that I am no better but if I do anything 'good' it is by God's hand and as a result of His gifts.

God's grace shine upon us all
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Somerset, Kentucky
473 posts, read 615,715 times
Reputation: 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletWren View Post
There's probably much not said or understood. The mother evidently thought it best for all concerned to raise her son without any complications from a father who wasn't ready for the responsibility. We are a product today of all our yesterdays. If we are merciful, forgiving, loving, should we really take credit for it? Should we judge the PERSON without having walked in his shoes, felt the stings of his/her life, without the chemical processes that uniquely guide the other's life? Certainly we can decide in our view if a particular action was something 'good' or 'evil' and if a resulting action should be taken under law to prevent another instance or to educate the perperator, but to set up ourselves as 'better' that the other person is to not understand that we have very little to do with the naure we were born with, the circumstances of our lives, and the reactions we have. I find myself judgmental many times on first view, and then shamefacedly realizing that I am no better but if I do anything 'good' it is by God's hand and as a result of His gifts.

God's grace shine upon us all
She had actually slept with more than one person and wasn't sure who was the biological father, of the three choices only one family would accept him. But honestly he looks like my husbands twin, but I would have accepted him anyway and without testing unless HE had wanted it. One of the guys was another family member. I asked him if he wanted to be tested, his choice was no. I became a step-mom. I think that the mother was ashamed of what she had done and didn't want to go through tests in the beginning.
Yeshua Bless You
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