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Old 11-03-2013, 08:25 AM
 
2 posts, read 3,851 times
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I will try to be brief, my husband has been struggling at our church after he had a one time affair with another women at church. We have stayed there for several months because we have been there for many years. We have waited for the other women to leave out of curtisy that we are still together and trying to work on our marriage. I have forgiven him but that doesn't mean that doubt enters my mind and am aware of every look and turn he does to see if I catch him seeing her. He has expressed that he wants to leave many times for the sake of our marriage but I feel that God hasn't given us the open door to leave. I have told him to wait untill the end of his discipline but he says whats the point of going if he's not comfortable there. I love the church and the Pastors that have been there in the hardest time of my life. The advice from the Pastors is to continue going to church and let God deal with him. I don't feel comfortable going to separate churches I think I'll feel more of a gap between our marriage if we worship in separate places. I would like to receive a mature advice on this matter I am not one of those persons that leave churh for little reasons but this is a different matter.
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Old 11-03-2013, 08:47 AM
 
9,872 posts, read 6,742,053 times
Reputation: 2487
Quote:
Originally Posted by liliBeth26 View Post
I will try to be brief, my husband has been struggling at our church after he had a one time affair with another women at church. We have stayed there for several months because we have been there for many years. We have waited for the other women to leave out of curtisy that we are still together and trying to work on our marriage. I have forgiven him but that doesn't mean that doubt enters my mind and am aware of every look and turn he does to see if I catch him seeing her. He has expressed that he wants to leave many times for the sake of our marriage but I feel that God hasn't given us the open door to leave. I have told him to wait untill the end of his discipline but he says whats the point of going if he's not comfortable there. I love the church and the Pastors that have been there in the hardest time of my life. The advice from the Pastors is to continue going to church and let God deal with him. I don't feel comfortable going to separate churches I think I'll feel more of a gap between our marriage if we worship in separate places. I would like to receive a mature advice on this matter I am not one of those persons that leave churh for little reasons but this is a different matter.
This is a no brainer. If the "other Woman" (OW) is still attending the same church where the two of you go there is no point in continuing to go there. Affairs tend to heal when there is "absolute no contact" with the OW.

Seeing the OW on a regular basis (even at a distance) makes healing very difficult and your H will continue to pine for her (even if he does not let you know).

When Christian people have affairs in church they are generally in love. And this love is only cured with distance and no contact. Furthermore, I suspect your preacher is not well versed in the dynamics of affairs.
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Old 11-03-2013, 09:33 AM
Status: "6' - 220" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
25,856 posts, read 13,436,135 times
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I agree with Julian. Find a new church as a couple. It will symbolize a new beginning for both of you and you can leave the unhappy, weekly reminders behind.
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Old 11-03-2013, 09:39 AM
 
Location: NJ
17,579 posts, read 39,794,977 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liliBeth26 View Post
We have waited for the other women to leave out of curtisy that we are still together and trying to work on our marriage.
Maybe she is waiting for you to leave out of courtesy.
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Old 11-03-2013, 09:39 AM
 
400 posts, read 452,735 times
Reputation: 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by liliBeth26 View Post
I will try to be brief, my husband has been struggling at our church after he had a one time affair with another women at church. We have stayed there for several months because we have been there for many years. We have waited for the other women to leave out of curtisy that we are still together and trying to work on our marriage. I have forgiven him but that doesn't mean that doubt enters my mind and am aware of every look and turn he does to see if I catch him seeing her. He has expressed that he wants to leave many times for the sake of our marriage but I feel that God hasn't given us the open door to leave. I have told him to wait untill the end of his discipline but he says whats the point of going if he's not comfortable there. I love the church and the Pastors that have been there in the hardest time of my life. The advice from the Pastors is to continue going to church and let God deal with him. I don't feel comfortable going to separate churches I think I'll feel more of a gap between our marriage if we worship in separate places. I would like to receive a mature advice on this matter I am not one of those persons that leave churh for little reasons but this is a different matter.
I'm afraid I have more questions than advice at this point.

Is the pastor aware of everything you've mentioned? Does the pastor think this will simply blow over and heal over time? I'm trying to see the pastor's perspective.

I had a situation years ago. My then five year old daughter was attending a church summer program. I was in ministry at a neighboring church. One day a nine year old boy exposed himself and attempted to penetrate my daughter and another girl my daughter's age.

I'll never forget the meeting between the church pastor, the boy's parents, and my wife and I. When the boy's father said, "Boys will be boys," my wife, the most patient, soft spoken person I know, came unglued. As the conversation continued it became clear this family was highly dysfunctional.

For the sake of the church community at large we agreed not to call the authorities.

My daughter insisted (demanded) she not complete the remainder of the summer program. She was bothered for years by what had happened. I'll always remember the pastor's words, "It takes time to heal."

I can't help but wonder, under the circumstances, if you and your husband can heal. Seeing the other woman each week, worrying if your husband is looking at her, and your husband feeling uncomfortable, should not be the focus of your worship and fellowship time.

I'm not going to advise you to leave or stay. You guys and God will have to work that out.
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Old 11-03-2013, 09:56 AM
 
2 posts, read 3,851 times
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I had told the Pastor that either she would leave or we would leave, he said that she told him that she would be leaving but hasn't. 7 months have passed by and she's still there. Pastor believes that everything should be forgiven and forgotten but the one day she decided to greet my husband with a handshake infront ofother members she went to tell the Pastor that my husband squeezed her hand. My husband denied and said that in the first place she was the one that approached him. My husband doesn't want to see or be reminded of the past and neither do I but that made it seem that my husband was in the wrong. Pastor questioned him and after he spoke to me saying to be careful of my husband and that i shouldn't worry about her but of him.
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Old 11-03-2013, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Arizona
20 posts, read 72,851 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by liliBeth26 View Post
I had told the Pastor that either she would leave or we would leave, he said that she told him that she would be leaving but hasn't. 7 months have passed by and she's still there. Pastor believes that everything should be forgiven and forgotten but the one day she decided to greet my husband with a handshake infront ofother members she went to tell the Pastor that my husband squeezed her hand. My husband denied and said that in the first place she was the one that approached him. My husband doesn't want to see or be reminded of the past and neither do I but that made it seem that my husband was in the wrong. Pastor questioned him and after he spoke to me saying to be careful of my husband and that i shouldn't worry about her but of him.

If the pastor is warning you of your husband as well, maybe there's something you're not being told. You two can continue to go to this church and stand strong together as one unit, or you can choose to leave and find a new church and give yourselves a new fresh start. Either way, I hope you've asked yourself, why this affair happened? Like someone else has said, there may be love involved. Being Christian doesn't mean being blind to what's going on and always turning the other cheek. (not saying that's what's happening) but it's about knowing and doing the right thing as well as having forgiveness in your heart. Hope your husband appreciates your forgiveness, now it's his job make you two stronger.
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Old 11-03-2013, 10:51 AM
 
20,421 posts, read 9,840,546 times
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Let your heart guide you; not the perspectives of others.
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Old 11-03-2013, 01:18 PM
 
9,872 posts, read 6,742,053 times
Reputation: 2487
Quote:
Originally Posted by Msmizzl View Post
If the pastor is warning you of your husband as well, maybe there's something you're not being told. You two can continue to go to this church and stand strong together as one unit, or you can choose to leave and find a new church and give yourselves a new fresh start. Either way, I hope you've asked yourself, why this affair happened? Like someone else has said, there may be love involved. Being Christian doesn't mean being blind to what's going on and always turning the other cheek. (not saying that's what's happening) but it's about knowing and doing the right thing as well as having forgiveness in your heart. Hope your husband appreciates your forgiveness, now it's his job make you two stronger.
The pastor needs parishioners so his point of view has a conflict of interest.

The universal recommendation when trying to mend following infidelity is to have zero contact with the affair partner. Seeing the OW once a week at church is not good at all.

Lastly these affairs have a very heightened emotional component and as a general rule the affair partners actually fall in love, more so when the affair is within a Christian Church. The only way to cure this kind of love is with no contact.

I know of a minister that had an affair and he rationalized the affair was OK because he was in love-------------- and after all God is love. The only way to end this correctly is by moving to another church.
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Old 11-03-2013, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Denver, CO
9,293 posts, read 5,500,064 times
Reputation: 4052
Quote:
Originally Posted by liliBeth26 View Post
I will try to be brief, my husband has been struggling at our church after he had a one time affair with another women at church. We have stayed there for several months because we have been there for many years. We have waited for the other women to leave out of curtisy that we are still together and trying to work on our marriage. I have forgiven him but that doesn't mean that doubt enters my mind and am aware of every look and turn he does to see if I catch him seeing her. He has expressed that he wants to leave many times for the sake of our marriage but I feel that God hasn't given us the open door to leave. I have told him to wait untill the end of his discipline but he says whats the point of going if he's not comfortable there. I love the church and the Pastors that have been there in the hardest time of my life. The advice from the Pastors is to continue going to church and let God deal with him. I don't feel comfortable going to separate churches I think I'll feel more of a gap between our marriage if we worship in separate places. I would like to receive a mature advice on this matter I am not one of those persons that leave churh for little reasons but this is a different matter.
If your husband had been an alcoholic and had been "dried" out, would you insist that he go with you to the neighborhood bar every week because you like it and had gone there much of your life?

Perhaps you should be thinking about him rather than thinking about you? And if the God you worship is stuck in the four walls of the church you attend, then what is in your heart? When your life in Christ is about giving to others, consideration for others, becoming last instead of being first, you will find that you can be comfortable in a lot of different settings.

Change is difficult, but what you have described about remaining there certainly sounds dangerous to me.
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