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I would be very cautious in this situation. Since this Youth Minister is in a type of position of authority his actions are in my opinion inappropriate.
If he is showing her this attention without being in a position of authority that would be a different story completely.
It is hard to say though without knowing them both and seeing how he interacts with others as well.
Cross-gender ministry is tough at any age and expressions of care and concern can easily be misinterpreted. In this case, I would guess that the youth pastor is somewhat inexperienced and wants to appear friendly and open to all -- and not 10+ years older than his youth group. Although you are a woman and aware of your own sensuality, he may not yet, have seen you in that light, while dealing with the overall dynamics of a group of kids
You would be doing him a huge favor if you did two things: (1) Tell him that you know he doesn't mean anything by it, but, that some of his actions have made you a little uncomfortable. My guess is that he will immediately apologize and stop. (2) Clarify in your own mind that you are not projecting any romantic feelings of your own ... or deriving a sense of desirability by constructing a situation in your mind where this 28-year old is romantically interested in you.
I'm not suggesting that you should ignore your instincts, but, you need to realize that if you are wrong, you could do significant damage to his career and family by starting rumors (eg; talking to friends about the 'possibility' that the youth pastor is 'coming on to you'), without at least first taking the above actions.
Great advice !!
Dearest OP..... please take heed to what is being said by many in this thread as there is some pretty good and Godly counsel that is being presented for you !!!
a) I agree with Mystic and other's, girls have a talent to perceive these things and even translating in this way, in the thinking, my 99% bet is he knows exactly how you feel and is at least indirectly leading it on, guy's have a talent in that way, evidence : nobody likes rejection and will do everything to avoid.
b) I agree with Vizio , the outside distraction cannot do anything but be connected with the subject of learning. For example if at some time a new girl comes along, or even another girl in the group and you notice him treating her special and not you, it is a form of favoring and special which could be felt in a type of rejection or betray. Betray is man's wrong, he cannot then represent all that was learned properly, he then represents rejection or betray and the subject and learning winds up less then the dynamic in the betray. In a serious outcome the betrayed would then feel compelled to reject everything associated with the deviance of betray , along with whatever philosophy, survival is just that strong , people are after truth from a truthful source.
c) Yes, I agree with Vizio, he seems to be representing something else in priority or at least being translated this way. I don't know, he should know better then leading on and don't want to assume or say anything else . Although if there was a strong boyfriend hypothetically, he would be all together different because guy's are not going to go for the leading on. So some solid knowledge can be pretty much relied upon and because of the mentioned implications in b) above, in opinion I think he's being irresponsible to his station going about this behav, without being vocally honest.
Last edited by alexcanter; 03-26-2014 at 12:22 PM..
03-26-2014, 11:31 AM
2K5Gx2km
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Your instincts are correct.
It bothers you and makes you uncomfortable.
This guy is wrong since he is in a position of authority (teacher/student).
I find it odd that he is the one (seemingly the only one) that chooses who gets to be in the ministry program. How can you trust his decision when he has the hots for you - do you deserve it or did he choose you because he is attracted to you. And yes brushing your hair back from your face and the long stares are clear signs that he is attracted to you. In and of itself this is not wrong - it is the context of such actions that are inappropriate. Heck even in the secular schools this behavior is not tolerated. I don't know about this guy but some guys use their position of authority to manipulate others especially with your ages 18 and 28. There are reason, not even biblical, just social, as to why these actions in this context are not appropriate.
You need to speak up and let him know that he should keep the proper boundaries despite his feelings. And if this fails report him. Or you need to be under a different leader as a student if you actually like him as well and wait till your studies are complete. Don't kid yourself because you hope the best and he is a 'Christian Leader' - time to grow-up and put those leadership skills to the test.
I was your age once... I found myself looking to gain attention from guys even if I didn't like them. I just wanted to feel attractive, so I teased a little. Sounds to me like you may be teasing him, even if you're not aware you're doing it. I'm only saying this because of the scenarios you gave. You find him looking at you, but are you aware that you just said you were looking at him? At the fair, you two were walking close to each other, why do you find yourself walking so closely with him? If you weren't attracted to him in any way then you are definitely sending the poor guy mixed signals. Nonetheless, he is 10 years older than you and is your leader. You are 18 though. I don't know why you're still in the youth group?! If you do have feelings for him you need to excuse yourself from the class, which you should anyway unless you haven't graduated High School yet. At our church, once you graduate you move out of the youth class and into a young adults class. If you were to come out from under his leadership then a relationship wouldn't look off color if you decided to go that route. Age is just a number, although I do think you're too young to be involved with a grown man. Love doesn't have an age limit (excluding pedophiles, yuck).
In conclusion, if you don't like him then don't send him mixed signals. Keep your distance and change your behavior if you're around him. If you do like him then step out from under his leadership and give it some time before engaging in a relationship. So far, he hasn't done anything that has crossed the line so I don't see why you should cause a scene about it. But if you're uncomfortable then you should mention it to him. If he doesn't stop then address it with your pastor. Like I said, you're 18, you are technically an adult. You should be able to handle this on your own without getting the higher authorities involved, that would ruin his leadership role since he hasn't done anything to cross the line. But once you address it to him you should report it if he doesn't stop.
Ok SO. I feel really weird asking this question. I can't ask anyone I know personally because, well, it would be too awkward.
My youth pastor is really nice, very kind and funny. He's in his late 20's. I a 18. I respect him and how hard he works, his passion. We have been getting close, discussing things in the Bible, and talking about ideas for the youth group, talking about life in general. (I am a girl btw) I am in MIT (ministers in training), which he picks young people that he thinks will one day be leaders to train them for ministry. But all of a sudden, he has been doing random things like tugging on my hair from behind when I am not looking, then pretending it wasn't him. I always see him looking at me when he think's I am not looking. Sometimes when I walk by he will stare at me while smiling. When he is talking or teaching us, sometimes he will say something funny and I laugh out loud or smile, and he looks into my eyes and smiles, he practically beams. Recently we were walking at the state fair as a youth group, and we were walking kind of next to each other. I turned towards him to make a statement and he subconsciously reached his hand out and tenderly brushed back my hair from my face. He did it in such a way that all my friends who were walking near us noticed and gave curious looks. He would never do anything bad, never cross that line. He never even so much as gave me a hug or touched me (other than my hair or my hand when praying for me) So I am not worried about that type of thing. I am just really confused and don't know what to do. Is it possible I am imagining this? Should I be careful? What should I do?
Never, but NEVER, BUT NEVER assume that just because he's a "pastor" he would never cross that line. The prisons are full of devious "men of the cloth" that young people trusted and believed would not do anything bad. Hundreds of thousands of young lives have left in shambles by men who they thought would not cross the sacred line. The Catholic sex scandal still going on should be a perfect example that what I'm saying is the truth.
If he is tenderly brushing your hair away from your face he is definitely on the prowl for you and I can guarantee you 1000% he is planning an opportunity to get you alone somewhere where he can then prey upon your vulnerability and trust to convince you that it is God's will you have a sexual tryst of some sort with him, even if it's just asking you to expose your body to him. Tell him flat out you don't feel comfortable with his attention and touching and that you'll talk to his superior if he continues. I can assure you he will immediately leave you alone for fear of being exposed, but he will then turn his attentions to another vulnerable youth.
Many men deliberately assume youth pastor positions as a means of gaining access to young people who they can carefully "groom" for possible sexual liaisons. The fact they are married and have children of their own is no guarantee they are safe to be with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by madera23
there is nothing wrong if he has a crush on you. He is just a man in sheeps clothing no matter what his title is.
Are you nuts????
That is just about the most sick rationalization I have ever read.
Update:
The thing is he is MARRIED with an adorable kid.
Before all this started happening I admired sincerely respected him as a person, I only had feelings of friendship and affection that any girl would have for their kind and fun youth pastor. Most definitely not in a romantic/sexual way.
He does not treat any other person in the youth group this way. I would have noticed.
I don't want to get him into deep trouble by talking to someone in authority, and my parents would FREAK and I would probably never attend youth again if they found out, even though I'm 18.
I am going to be moving into the next older group once I graduate high school, but he is involved in that too. He is over all the youth.
Another example: He just recently made it clear to all the kids that no one can pick their roommates for youth retreat, despite their moaning and complaining. Then yesterday he texted ME, and asked who I wanted to room with. I'm like the youth pastor's pet or something!
I think if he keeps on with the behavior or it gets more intense I will ask him to stop. It will be hard because he can be intimidating (he's pretty tall and buff and handsome). But since he hasn't done anything seriously "slimy" I don't want to ruin his reputation by going to people in authority. I will wait, just in case it is my imagination, or his actions are out of pure friendliness and innocent affection.
Update:
The thing is he is MARRIED with an adorable kid.
Before all this started happening I admired sincerely respected him as a person, I only had feelings of friendship and affection that any girl would have for their kind and fun youth pastor. Most definitely not in a romantic/sexual way.
He does not treat any other person in the youth group this way. I would have noticed.
I don't want to get him into deep trouble by talking to someone in authority, and my parents would FREAK and I would probably never attend youth again if they found out, even though I'm 18.
I am going to be moving into the next older group once I graduate high school, but he is involved in that too. He is over all the youth.
Another example: He just recently made it clear to all the kids that no one can pick their roommates for youth retreat, despite their moaning and complaining. Then yesterday he texted ME, and asked who I wanted to room with. I'm like the youth pastor's pet or something!
I think if he keeps on with the behavior or it gets more intense I will ask him to stop. It will be hard because he can be intimidating (he's pretty tall and buff and handsome). But since he hasn't done anything seriously "slimy" I don't want to ruin his reputation by going to people in authority. I will wait, just in case it is my imagination, or his actions are out of pure friendliness and innocent affection.
This update changes things for sure. Lol. If he is married he should NOT be singling you out with that sort of affection. Is it normal for him to text other young people? If not, then he should not be texting you. Just test it out, avoid him. Don't look up at him even if you "sense" him staring at you. Just pay attention to how he acts. While you're avoiding him look to see if he seeks you out. Just make sure it's "crush" related vs "friend" related before jumping to conclusions and ruining his reputation. Definitely talk to him if he doesn't stop. The fact that your friends notice is proof enough that he is "crushing" a little. What does he wife think? How does she act about the whole situation? Does she notice his behavior?
Update:
The thing is he is MARRIED with an adorable kid.
Before all this started happening I admired sincerely respected him as a person, I only had feelings of friendship and affection that any girl would have for their kind and fun youth pastor. Most definitely not in a romantic/sexual way.
He does not treat any other person in the youth group this way. I would have noticed.
I don't want to get him into deep trouble by talking to someone in authority, and my parents would FREAK and I would probably never attend youth again if they found out, even though I'm 18.
I am going to be moving into the next older group once I graduate high school, but he is involved in that too. He is over all the youth.
Another example: He just recently made it clear to all the kids that no one can pick their roommates for youth retreat, despite their moaning and complaining. Then yesterday he texted ME, and asked who I wanted to room with. I'm like the youth pastor's pet or something!
I think if he keeps on with the behavior or it gets more intense I will ask him to stop. It will be hard because he can be intimidating (he's pretty tall and buff and handsome). But since he hasn't done anything seriously "slimy" I don't want to ruin his reputation by going to people in authority. I will wait, just in case it is my imagination, or his actions are out of pure friendliness and innocent affection.
hmeagan22, what I am trying to make you aware of is that this guy is going to hurt a minor in his group. He is a predator. His actions belie this fact. You can walk away when you go to college or something but how will you feel when you hear that he assaulted some other young girl on one of these sleep-over camping trips and you could have prevented it. You can at least bring your concerns to his superior without formally accusing him of anything. All it will do is alert his superiors to watch him and if everything is on the up-and-up then no scandal will befall him.
But I will tell you exactly what he will do. When he realizes he is on their radar, he will quietly resign his post and look for another young group in a different area to "counsel". He is addicted to innocent young girls. His marriage is probably a wreck, but he keeps it under hush-hush for fear it will ruin his "pristine" reputation.
Don't allow a young girl in his group to be molested and possibly get pregnant which he will then sternly instruct her it's "God's will" she should have an abortion. I'm old enough to have read hundreds of these situations reported in the newspapers. Believe me, you will wrack yourself with guilt over not having done something if he should assault a girl.
Update:
The thing is he is MARRIED with an adorable kid.
You didn't think to mention that detail in your first post? Really? You put in all the details about things like him "tenderly" brushing your hair from your face and that he looks into your eyes ...... but not the fact that he's married..... and has a kid.
Question: "Help! I'm freaking out because I think my youth minister is coming on to me and he's married. What should I do?"
Answer: Next time this "tall, buff, handsome" being "tenderly" reaches out to brush a wisp of hair from your face.... ask him how his wife is.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 03-26-2014 at 03:08 PM..
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