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Old 11-04-2008, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Conway, Arkansas
108 posts, read 343,542 times
Reputation: 102

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My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and have 3 children. In the last year, our relationship has gotten terrible, so much that I have wanted to leave. This last summer, he did some things that I won't state yet, and stopped when I told his mother what was going on. After we moved, I found a recorded DVD that showed him scrolling through the guide and choosing, entering a code to a pornographic film and then leaving it on. I have no idea how long it lasted b/c I immediately turned it off, but he denied it at first, placing blame on my brother and dad. He then admitted it was him, only one time. I don't know what to believe, I feel like he cheated, and I don't feel I can trust him anymore. I don't want to be sexual and he gets angry, yelling and basically throwing a fit like our 4 year old when he doesn't get his way.

According to the Bible, does God see it okay for me to divorce him? Or what am I supposed to do in your opinion? I am a Christian, and don't want to do anything against God, but at the same time, my feelings for him have changed completely and I don't want to be here with him.
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Old 11-04-2008, 08:43 PM
Status: "Because He first loved me..." (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Bronx, NY
1,319 posts, read 2,730,685 times
Reputation: 675
I guess I'll try and answer this question as well as I can from the Bible. First off, looking at porn IS considered adultery. The world will tell you that there is nothing wrong in what he is doing. However, Jesus says in Matthew 5:27-28; "You have heard that it was said to those of old, ""You shall not commit adultery"". But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already commmitted adultery with her in his heart." That says it all right there. When a man marries a woman, she is supposed to be the woman he loves and cares for and delights himself in for life, not another woman in any way shape or form. If a husband is partaking in this kind of activity, he is emotionally and mentally cheating on her and it needs to be dealt with through counseling or whatever means it takes to get him to see what he is doing is hurting the wife and the marriage. From everyone I have ever talked to, porn does not enhance a relationship, it kills it.

However, if he is cheating on you with another woman physically, it is an even worse situation and demands a great deal of repentance and work to overcome the damage that is done. Although God hates divorce, there is only one time where it would be permissible to leave the spouse and that is when they are engaging in this kind of activity and simply refuse to give it up. You shouldn't have to put up with this kind of behavior.

Your husband would probably be furious if he knew you were doing something like this yourself. Besides, if the spouse has to get their kicks from watching porn or getting it from somewhere else, then the spouse probably does not love the other very much. I wish you well and would encourage you to get counseling for yourself, even if he does not want to. It will help you to gain some measure of perspective and method for dealing with the situation. Blessings.
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Old 11-04-2008, 08:50 PM
 
Location: God's Country
21,430 posts, read 29,586,943 times
Reputation: 29947
I think you both need to go to a Christian counselor together.
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Old 11-04-2008, 08:54 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,237 posts, read 72,552,571 times
Reputation: 47459
whether god approved or not you are ready. 56% do. 42 million divorces since 1975, 75% filed by women. everytime i read the post of a suffering person, i feel bad. i no longer cheer at weddings.
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Old 11-04-2008, 09:01 PM
 
272 posts, read 431,158 times
Reputation: 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by urbanlemur View Post
However, Jesus says in Matthew 5:27-28; "You have heard that it was said to those of old, ""You shall not commit adultery"". But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already commmitted adultery with her in his heart."
How about Mark 10:12. It's not that positive.
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Old 11-04-2008, 10:54 PM
 
140 posts, read 403,130 times
Reputation: 58
You are obviously hurt by his choices, does he understand your perspective? You said other things were going on, and that's fine that you don't want to say, but have you talked about this issue in depth at all? The way you say he is acting leads me to believe that he really doesn't understand how much he has hurt you. If he doesn't think your feelings are valid or warranted, then I think you've got a problem, and at least need counseling. My prayers are with you.
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Old 11-04-2008, 11:17 PM
 
352 posts, read 476,919 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by BABsMom View Post
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and have 3 children. In the last year, our relationship has gotten terrible, so much that I have wanted to leave. This last summer, he did some things that I won't state yet, and stopped when I told his mother what was going on. After we moved, I found a recorded DVD that showed him scrolling through the guide and choosing, entering a code to a pornographic film and then leaving it on. I have no idea how long it lasted b/c I immediately turned it off, but he denied it at first, placing blame on my brother and dad. He then admitted it was him, only one time. I don't know what to believe, I feel like he cheated, and I don't feel I can trust him anymore. I don't want to be sexual and he gets angry, yelling and basically throwing a fit like our 4 year old when he doesn't get his way.

According to the Bible, does God see it okay for me to divorce him? Or what am I supposed to do in your opinion? I am a Christian, and don't want to do anything against God, but at the same time, my feelings for him have changed completely and I don't want to be here with him.
Let me start off by first telling you how sorry I am that you are having to endure difficult times. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is pray. Pray for answers and pray for strength. But remember that you must quiet yourself long enough to hear God and what it is that He desires for you, not what you desire for yourself. It's difficult, but its all the more reason to rely on Him. When you finally do feel ready, you need to just sit down and talk to him about it. Problems do not go away by simply ignoring them, they only get worse. Let him known how much he hurt you and try to figure out what led him to act in such a manner. If a at home conversation doesn't work, then do what some of the other people suggested and seek out a specialist. This is one of your trials, let God be God and allow Him to help you overcome this hurdle. I will hope for the best for you and your husband.
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:28 AM
 
4,047 posts, read 4,380,762 times
Reputation: 1321
Quote:
Originally Posted by BABsMom View Post
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and have 3 children. In the last year, our relationship has gotten terrible, so much that I have wanted to leave. This last summer, he did some things that I won't state yet, and stopped when I told his mother what was going on. After we moved, I found a recorded DVD that showed him scrolling through the guide and choosing, entering a code to a pornographic film and then leaving it on. I have no idea how long it lasted b/c I immediately turned it off, but he denied it at first, placing blame on my brother and dad. He then admitted it was him, only one time. I don't know what to believe, I feel like he cheated, and I don't feel I can trust him anymore. I don't want to be sexual and he gets angry, yelling and basically throwing a fit like our 4 year old when he doesn't get his way.

According to the Bible, does God see it okay for me to divorce him? Or what am I supposed to do in your opinion? I am a Christian, and don't want to do anything against God, but at the same time, my feelings for him have changed completely and I don't want to be here with him.
OMG Divorce him because he watched a porno?!?!? harsh

What's best for the kids?
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Old 11-05-2008, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,468 posts, read 21,235,453 times
Reputation: 17692
With my H (for adultery among other things) I found that forgiveness is easy compared to forgetness and trust..As others have said, biblicaly you may divorce him..There are other considerations though (speaking with experience here)..Are you educated enough in a good paying career to be the full support of your children if you have to? Is there a chance he would fight you for custody of the children? Do you have a home? If you divorce him, could you maintain a friendship with him for the sake of the children? Think very hard about this one..Do you still love him? If not, could you ever learn to love him forgive him, and trust him if you decide to stay in the marriage? Does he want to save the marriage? If so, is he willing to go for counseling? One little final thought about biblical divorce,..If you are a literalist, are you willing to not remarry or lust in your heart while your H still is alive? That is a very big deal if you take the bible literal, no way around it..although I have heard all the twisted excuses and interpretations from a few......

Last edited by Miss Blue; 11-05-2008 at 09:25 AM..
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Old 11-05-2008, 01:56 PM
 
3,627 posts, read 12,435,842 times
Reputation: 2682
Look - You have been married for 5 years and have 3 kids and probably don't have a sex life anymore [right now] and he still has urges because - men *seem to* have them for physical and tension release when women need to have relationship and love to have the same urges and a woman with 3 kids is going to be so tired of mamamamama that she does not want to be touched at night.

So, I hate to say it - been married 27 years, some of it sheer hell - but now we enjoy the grandkids together and I could not think of being apart - sometimes there is value in doing it when, you really are not into it - it usually works out ok when you do.

I think you need some help but him watching some porn does not mean he cheated on you. All the screaming up and down will only make him hide it more. I think you need to sit down and talk with him and - do you have time to make dates? - I know what we have gone through having my elderly sick parents in the house with us [and it is tough because we are too tired at night to party most times and it is hard to get frisky around the house when 80 somethings are in the room]

I don't know what is terrible with your relationship but as a Christian I would say unless he is hitting you, demeaning you, abusing the kids, or persisting to cheat on you that you should try to work it out.

Marriage is a committment and sometimes it stinks like rotten fish. You also have 3 kids to think about. Only you can answer how miserable it is, but all relationships get stinky at some point and there is a lot of growth in working though the pain. I recall there was a study that children raised in broken homes were more likely themselves to go through divorce ...... and I also know folks for whom the 2nd divorce gets easier than the first and so on.
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