Dear diary Part 4 (prayer, Isaiah, blood, God)

[TheWordIsOne]

It’s been six months since we left Eden; I wish we could put all this behind us. Adam still blames me for the whole mess. God had said that we must responsible for all of our action. I know I shouldn’t have listened to the Serpent. But Adam was right there with me. Why didn’t he do something? And it’s not like he didn’t eat the fruit too. At that time, I honestly didn’t think was such a big deal. But it was to Adam and God. Now, I have this overwhelming sense of guilt---how could I have done this to God after all He had done for us? Will we ever forgiven me, will be able to have the same king of relationship we used to have?
(Separation) But your iniquities have separated you from your God; And your sins have hidden His face from you, So that He will not hear.
3 For your hands are defiled with blood, And your fingers with iniquity; Your lips have spoken lies, Your tongue has muttered perversity.
4 No one calls for justice, Nor does any plead for truth. They trust in empty words and speak lies; They conceive evil and bring forth iniquity.
Isaiah 59:2-4 He has led me and made me walk In darkness and not in light.
Lam 3:2-3 He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light.
Surely He has turned His hand against me Time and time again throughout the day.
(Diary.) Whenever I try to talk To Him, I feel like there is a great big cloud between us.
Lam 3:44-46(A Wall) 44 You have covered Yourself with a cloud, That prayer should not pass through.
45 You have made us an offscouring and refuse In the midst of the peoples.
46 All our enemies Have opened their mouths against us.

(Diary.) One thing I hadn’t counted on was how to totally unnatural it would be to obey God once I ate that fruit. For example…until that day, when-ever I got hungry, I would eat; when I was full, Now I have this constant craving for food---once I start to eat, I couldn't stop eating even when I know I should stop. That’s not the only area where I get out for control; my tongue gets me in so much trouble, especially on days like yesterday----it was that time of the month, and I wasn’t feeling well. I found myself sapping at Adam about every little thing. Now I hate it when I act this way. I don’t like being moody and uptight. But sometime I feel like I just can’t help myself. That day I ate that fruit, the Serpent say like I know a secret I’m not supposed to know.
Elation and depression---at the same time. Liberation. Prison. Rising, Falling. Confident. Afraid. A shamed, I felt Dirty. Hiding--- each day that passes I feel I’m slipping away. I can’t let Him see me like this.